My VISION

I started my vision board this weekend and I am excited about it. I've done a few digital ones but this weekend I sat and cut up my magazines. Not surprisingly, the recurrent them was love. Not just romantic love but self love and love for humanity. I'm a giver. I only had fitness magazines and a few Ebony magazines so I'm still in need of more pictures. I'm excited to see what the final product will be and I can't wait to hang it in my room. I feel inspired by it in the midst of the chaos that I feel.



I was kinda hard on myself this weekend. I came to the not so startling revelation that in the last 4 months my heart hasn't changed. I get mad, unhappy, dissatisfied, sad, and lonely but those feelings are not the dominant ones; I still feel a great deal of love. In fact, I am still discovering new reasons why I love him. My feelings remain virtually unchanged and that drives me crazy. I don't feel like that is serving me well but I've been helpless to do anything about it. I've prayed long and hard and yet no change and I don't know what to think about that. There are still far too many moments where I just want things to be the way they used to be. Moments where I'm moved to tears by everything I feel. As much as I'd love to not care I don't want to not care. I'm trying not to stress it though, what will be- will be!

Calm

Today has been full of deep thought, journaling, prayer, meditation and even a few tears. I can't say that my mind isn't still spinning but I feel a bit more calm. In this moment, my heart is settled.

Psalms 23
The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul:
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name' sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: For thou art with me;
Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies;
Thou annointest my head with oil; My cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever.

Bored

My window is open and I am listening to the sound of the rain. I think I am finally learning to enjoy it a little bit, or maybe this storm isn't as as wild as the last few we've had. In any case, I am thrilled there is no thunder. As much as I look forward to the weekends as soon as they arrive I find myself bored and lonely. My baby sis who is usually hanging around during the week works closing shifts on the weekends so I generally find myself all alone. I had plans to go hiking with some friends this morning but oversleeping and rain (again) prevented that. Besides, I hate the idea of having to drive to LA to hang out all the time. I woulda woke up at the crack of down, drove an hour, hiked till I was exhausted and then drove home in the pouring rain. In retrospect, I'm glad I overslept. Even if I had made it, I woulda been home by noon and still had plenty of hours left in my day to be bored.

My apartment is far too quiet and I have too much time to think. After the constant email interaction with Superman and the office chatter with my co-workers during the week Saturday and Sunday can be a big let down. Today I rearranged my storage closet and got rid of a few more boxes that have been in my dining room. I abhor clutter so I felt some peace getting some stuff moved around. I've watched a movie or two, slept and surfed the net. I've begun a little work on my vision board and am looking forward to completing it. Tomorrow I need to hit the grocery store and get my food ready for the week. Other than that I have nothing exciting planned. I might pick up a few movies but since I am notorious for never returning them, that might not be a great idea.

I just really want one carefree day. One where I don't feel any stress, worry or sadness; where I am not overcome with way too much on my mind. Anxiety is going to be the death of me. I keep trying to get out more often but I honestly haven't had any great prospects. I have tons of associates but no one I really want to go out of my way to spend time with and yet I don't want to be home bored either.

Random Ramblings and Updates

Cute as A Bunny Challenge
So I only lost 1.1 lbs last week and I'm trying not to be sad about it. I know my endurance is increasing and overall I feel better but I wanna see the scale dropping. As far as I can tell I might be up a pound or 2 this week and I am really not pleased about that. My official weigh in day is Sunday so we'll see how that goes. I know I haven't had breakfast every day this week and I haven't been quite as active but I've stuck pretty close to my diet.



Weekend
My weekend was a bit emotional but pretty chill. I attended a baby shower for my nephew-in-law against my better judgment after my sis reassured me that it was ok and that she really wanted me there. I battled rain, car issues and traffic to get there. She and my nephew were genuinely happy to see me and I was just as happy to see them. As I began to help decorate and setup my sis told me that my ex was on his way and he was not at all thrilled that I was there; some of the rest of the family wasn't either. I'm sure he was probably bringing his girl and I can understand his displeasure to an extent but a part of me thought it was silly. In any case, I neglected to stay and left before he arrived. I never got to see my nieces or mommy-in-law and I was quite sad about that. My sis almost cried when I told her I was leaving and she just kept saying "this isn't fair, it's not supposed to be like this." Lesson learned. My large dysfunctional family consists of plenty of current wives/girls/mother of children and the all of the ex's as well. I grew up and never once saw my mom fight with any of my dad's wives. Family is family to me. I'll just make time for my sis-in-law and her kids when the entire family isn't involved.

After the baby shower I went to my cousin's art show. Just about the entire family showed up which was really nice. I love being around my family. I spent plenty of time with my baby cousin Sloan curled up on my chest. We hung out at the cafe for about 3 hours or so and then I went for dinner and drinks with my uncle, cousin and brother. Watching the men in my family scope out women was quite hilarious and I had a great time. Despite all I had to do Saturday, Sunday was quiet and I felt kinda lonely.

Stuff...
As always my mind is working overtime. I have so much to think about and figure out and I don't know where to start. My mind is constantly going. I think I am sleeping. I know I fall asleep and I wake up off and on but I think I sleep but then I wake up so unrested. I fight with my alarm EVERY single morning. I'm sad off and on and of course I feel bad for being so hard on Superman. I replay over and over in my head all the great times, stress over the bad ones (esp. my part in them) and just generally think and care about his well being and what's going on his life. There are just so many things that are not ideal and I keep trying hard to fix them but nothing seems to be working. I'm trying hard to be patient and just let go but I'm not doing good job at it. I hate not being in control. I just wanna be happier far more often than I'm sad. I am blessed to be loved though and I hope to never lose sight of that again.

I have a confession to make…

I can be a bit of an insecure jerk! Okay, maybe a lot more than a bit on my bad days. I need to apologize to blogland for giving the impression that Superman is a jerk; cause he isn't. We have been having a difficult few months and I have let my insecurities get the best of me. I like to think that I have made it to adulthood unscathed but the reality is that every now and again I pick up a bit of baggage that I though I had long ago gotten rid of it and I have taken it out on him unfairly. I can be an ass! Monday and Tuesday were two such days. I recognize it, really and truly this time, and I promise to do better. I have to do better! The situation we are experiencing is not ideal nor is what I want but I could be dealing with it a 100% better than I have. It's like I see myself handling things wrong yet I'm helpless to stop it. I just keep stumbling and doing all of the wrong things and the more I try and correct the more I seem to fcuk up. I don't know what's going on with me but I need to get it together QUICKLY!!! Improving myself will be a top my to-do-list as well as my prayer list.

Quote

Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be!!!

Speechless…

Don't have too much to say at the moment. I'll try and update the Cute As a Bunny Challenge tomorrow. I'm second guessing myself. Wondering if I misjudged him...Wondering if I shoulda ever trusted him with my heart...

Fallin Out by Calvin Richardson

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