I’m not crazy…

I'm just a little unwell.



I never used to have any mood swings when Aunt Flo was around. (Shhhh, don't say P-M-S cause we'll scare Superman). I used to cramp like crazy and lie on the bathroom floor curled in a ball and beg for a hysterectomy, but my mood remained the same. I'd get exhausted, sleep even more than usual but I'd remain relatively sane. As I got older and started birth control I started having the occasional emotional roller coaster. Nothing really major and not every month but they'd pop up every now and again. I've learned to deal with them and I generally keep my thoughts to myself but they DRIVE ME CRAZY.

I don't get angry or treat people like shit just because I can, but I do become an emotional basket case. The slightest thing can bring me to tears and I sit around trying to hold back tears. Sometimes it lasts just a day and sometimes a few days and then one day I'll wake up miraculously feeling like my normal self. In the days where my hormones are off kilter, I can convince myself of some of the most outrageous things. I am my own worst enemy and I drive myself crazy reading between the lines and expecting and anticipating the worse. I've long since learned to keep my crazy thoughts to myself and to never ever again have the "Do you love me?" conversation especially when I hear it 10 times a day. I know its my hormones and so I eat my comfort foods, soak in the tub and just lay low but I make myself sick. I hate the way I feel.

It's like being mentally tortured. I am emotionally at my worst and yet I can't seem to do anything about it. I know better and I tell myself it's just mood swings but the hours that I am feeling looney are very hard. My gBFF has been worried about me all week cause I have kept to myself and it finally dawned on me that Aunt Flo is due (I sure wish she'd get here already) and that's why my world is upside down. Even though I know why it occurs...it makes me sad that I can't handle it any better.

In my next life, I hope I'll be a man.

Attitude Adjustment

I was all set to write about this extended pity party I've been throwing myself but quite frankly, I am tired of it. I am tired of talking about it AND feeling down about it. Life is rough right now but that just means I need to put my big girl panties on and handle it. Aunt Flo is due in town any day and that has made me more emotional than normal but today I feel more like me. I'm not ready to cry for no reason.

Everywhere I turn, I keep hitting road blocks. I'm pretty sure that is God telling me to sit my impulsive ass down for a minute so he can tell me and show me what's next, but my instant gratification needing self is too busy harping over what isn't right in my life today. I can't sit back and wait- I have to be doing something. I have to be actively working to improve my circumstances and right now there just aren't many opportunities for that. That's a hard pill for me to swallow.

I'm just gonna keep trying to change my attitude and reaction to things, that is still the one thing I have control over. I may not like where I am or what's going on around me but I can stop letting it affect me so totally. I have to put my game face on and smile no matter what cause sooner or later that will be my natural reaction. Things aren't perfect but I am blessed. I'd rather have quiet time and be at a standstill now then to make some rash and impulsive decisions that will leave me even more unhappy later. As always there is a lesson to be learned and I need to sit my butt still for just a moment so that I can receive it. It is not easy at all but what is the alternative? I'm stuck anyhow- might as well make the best of it.

I wanted to get away this weekend and then quickly realized that this is a holiday weekend so that idea is a no go. I had dreams of hitting the Getty museum bright and early and leisurely strolling around and then driving up the coast for an hour or two and taking a nap at the beach but that will have to wait. I'll probably catch a movie and stay in bed most of the weekend instead. Maybe i'll paint my toes and flat iron my hair. Who knows. The one thing I will do for sure is work on my attitude and pray for a better spirit because as of late I am making myself sick with this crappy mood I've been in.

Memories of Michael

I still haven't quite found the words I want to say and my writing skills do not allow me to capture the impact that Michael Jackson had on my life.

Michael's music was the soundtrack to my life.



My uncle Robert was the cool uncle. He was the youngest and the one I grew up closest to. The house on the corner separated our homes and me and my siblings would crawl through a hole in the fence and go play with my cousin Christopher. My uncle had a huge record collection and he played Michael Jackson and Prince for us all the time. A little bit before we became neighbors, Uncle Robert took my sister Keley and I to see the 1984 Victory Tour. I wasn't quite 6 at the time and I remember every detail of the concert vividly. I remember being excited, overwhelmed and amazed at everything I was seeing. At 6, my mind was easily blown away by the greatness of MJ and seeing it live and in person just took the theatrics and dance skill over the top in my young mind. It is probably one of my earliest memories.



As a little girl I spent quite a few weekends with my father. I clearly remember Keley and I sitting with daddy watching Thriller and the making of Thriller video. I remember how they talked about how the contacts he wore to make his eyes yellow hurt his eyes. I remember being scared of that video, but most importantly I remember it as one of the only clear memories I have of spending quality time with my father.

In 2000, my cousin Trevor was murdered. Our entire family was hit so very hard. He was the first person in our family to die in many years and the first experience of death so close to home for many of my cousins and I. We also had to be strong as we watched my aunt mourn the death of her ownly child. After a week of crying and planning his funeral, my cousin was laid to rest. At his repast my aunt decided that we should stop the crying and instead celebrate my cousin's life. Just like we normally did when we were together, we pulled out the Michael Jackson. I have pictures of us all in black, my aunt still wearing her black hat and we dancing. In a few pictures our arms are up and we are clearly doing the Thriller dance moves. The best part of it all was that in that moment, my aunt was smiling.

I still have dreams of sharing a tender moment with the love of my life slow dancing to The Lady in my Life.

I can clearly recall the debut of MJ's videos on Sunday nights. I remember being amazed by the moves in Smooth Criminal and the hotness that was Remember the Time. His music forced you to get up and dance and sing along; you couldn't just sit still through a MJ song. As I sat and watched video after and video and the millions of news stories, I couldn't help but mourn the fact that he was gone yet feel happy that his troubled soul is free.

I am still stunned, shocked and saddened by the passing of Michael Jackson at the young age of 50. My heart goes out to his parents, family and his children. I am forever grateful that he left such an amazing legacy. His life has ended but his music, videos and philanthropy live on.

Rest Peacefully Michael.

Say it Ain’t So!!

Love

He has the ability to make me smile from deep within my heart. My heart and tummy do little flip flops when I think of the the sweet things he does and says. I doubt he knows just how much his words and actions mean to me, so just in case: Thank you for the sweet words. You have no idea how they brighten my world. You have no idea how much your actions convey your love. Listening to your words is great but I am learning to look at your actions as well and its a lesson I am loving every bit of learning.


Te amo baby!