CityofCyn

Today, is a difficult one for me.  My mind is running in a million different directions today and I can't seem to focus or wrap my head around any one thing.  Anxiety is setting in and I'm hoping not to have a panic attack.  It's been months since that has happened. I am extremely frustrated with myself because I feel like I am standing still.  I have so much I want to accomplish anad yet I feel like I am doing absolutely nothing to get started.  I don't know if its fear, procrastination, or the fact that I truly don't know what I want that is holding me back. Maybe its mid-life crisis but for some reason I feel like I should be so much further along than I am, and at the same time I don't know how to get there.  How do you start on a path if you have no clue what your final destination is?  I am feeling extremely lost right now. I've accomplished some great things, things that make me extremely proud but part of me is extremely unfulfilled.  I feel like I have a host of talents that go unnoticed and unused the vast majority of the time.  Sure I get paid pretty decently, but I sit at a desk doing pretty much nothing all day. I really need to get out of this funk and get moving.  30 is on the horizon and I certainly don't want to be another year older without anything different happening in my life.  I need to really start planning and making things happen.  I just don't know where to start.

I was all set to sit and write and complain a bit but as I was browsing some of my daily blogs I saw that yet another angel earned his wings last week.  Everything I was set to say is now quite trivial.  Please take a moment to pray for this family and drop by with some kind words.  Boys in the Hood...err, Suburbs!

Ebony magazine is doing an 8-cover special defining Black Cool. Cheesy topic but I love the covers. Gotta collect a few of these.

I am thoroughly giddy today.  I am so over the top happy I am not sure I can put into words.













2007 and the beginning of 2008 was a complete and total disaster. I was forced to makeover my life and make some of the hardest choices ever but I was also forced to look at me.  I had to recognize and confront my own issues and I am so much better for it.  I am so in love with me.  The Lord just keeps on blessing me and though He always gives me what I ask for- I still find myself so amazed sometimes.

I had an amazing weekend.  I had a fabulously quiet and relaxing 4th, and then went indoor sky diving and had sushi for the first time ever and loved it. I was in the company of the man I love and couldn't have asked for anything more.

I am so in love...with me...and with him!

Ronnie Devoe was my man back in the day, and he is looking quite tasty all grown and sexy.




































































I remember being distraught when NE broke up, and then they brought in sexual chocolate Mr. Johnny Gill.








Honorable mention goes to Romeo for looking slightly tasty in these pics (Yes, I feel a tad Chesterish):

Whew!  I have been on some of the most tremendous highs and lows in the last 24 hours.

In hopes of not having to ride a pregnancy emotional rollercoaster, I just started a new form of birth control and I have been a complete emotional wreck. I need an intervention. STAT!

I'm a cry baby. I'm an emotional person on a normal day. I shed tears when I'm happy, overwhelmed, frustrated and mad. I cry through Extreme Home Makeover on the regular. So this extra dose of Estrogen is SO not working for me.

Why am I at work blinking back tears cause my Superman told me he was going to lunch and we'd chat in a minute?? Who does that? Even on my worst emotional day I am never that weepy or that needy. This damn Nuvo Ring needs to have a number to a suicide hotline on the package because everything is sending me reaching for the Kleenex.

I hope to God my body adjusts QUICKLY. I'm sick of my damn self at this point.

• Why are grown people still involved in the childlike of drama of rumors, instigation, and staying in other people's business?  I mean, when do they grow out of it.
• Why in the year 2008 are people still lying about who the father of their child(ren) are?  Why this trend ever started is still beyond me.
• Why am I glued to the TV every time Maury shows paternity tests?

• I will never understand attacking the other woman cause some dude screwed you over.
• R. Kelly!  Not guilty.  I think this has to be one of the new millennium signs of the last days.  Instead of plagues of locusts, we have R. Kelly being innocent, the Lakers losing, and T.Pain and/or Akon on the radio all day every day.
• Praise God for a man who sends me scripture to inspire me.
• Thank God and Hallelujah for a man who not only talks the talk but walks the walk. **Waving my church fan**
• Boo for shady family members.  The saying goes, no one can hurt your like your own.
• I can't for the life of me, understand a 33 year old man with no game.  I mean ZERO. ZILTCH.NADA.
• I can' t believe I was on the late freight with the Boondocks.  I love this show.  I can watch it all day every day.

GOALS ARE WRITTEN IN CONCRETE, THEIR TIME LINE IS WRITTEN IN SAND

God always knows my needs. For some time I have been tryng to figure out exactly what I want to be when I grow up. In November I will celebrate a major milestone birthday and part of me is totally overjoyed by all that I have accomplished and yet a part of me is unfulfilled.

I was talking to my Superman today about how much I love my job but how I'm tired of coming to work and doing nothing for 8 hours every day. It is amazing working in a Christian environment but I am not using any of my talents. Like my Superman, I want to be passionate about what I do.

I've wondered for awhile what my calling in life was and I've prayed for it to be revealed. I'll admit that I paid very little to the sermon on Sunday but I did get a little bit of it and as I think back on it- I think I got just what I needed to hear. The gist of it was, ask the Lord what your calling is so that you can take your rightful place and do what the Lord would have you to do.

I work hard in my church. I've been an Elder for 7 years and in that time I've grown tremendously. It's always been my goal to help people and I've had the opportunity to reach out and counsel others. No matter how hard and tedious the work got, something kept me right there. I now know that my destiny is tied to Christ. That no matter what I do, it has to be not only in a manner that will glorify Christ but it has to be an environment where I can openly do so. My current job has shown me what its like to work in a Christian environment and I can't imagine working without Christ as the focal point ever again. I have to be able to be an openly Christian woman who can speak about God and pray for those I work with.

I spent a ton of time on the phone with my sister tonight, talking about our goals, hopes and dreams. I think I know what my calling is. It hit me today like a bolt of lightnening. I've always wanted to help people but I think I've narrowed it down. Before I share it with the world, I'm going to continue to pray on it. I'm quick to lay something in God's hands and then snatch it back before he can have his way with it, so for this first time in my life I'm going to do something I am not good at; be patient.

For once I feel like I've been quiet and still enough and happy enough to really listen to God. I'm excited and hopeful and can't wait to see what's in store.

I suppose I said all that to say, that if you PRAY and WAIT and LISTEN God will provide you with an answer. Now I won't promise it will be easy or that God will send you an email with step by step instructions- but if you lean on him and allow him to guide you- He will tell you exactly where you need to go.

Psalms 130:5 I wait for the LORD, my soul doth wait, and in his word do I hope.

Father's Day for me is inevitably a day of mixed emotions. It's a day filled with wondering why my daddy is such an asshole, being so very thankful for every last one of my stand-in fathers, and missing my grandfather like crazy.

No matter how much I think I've beaten my daddy issues, Father's Day drops me smack dab in the middle of them if only for a moment. On the flip side I'm blessed that I grew up in a church where EVERY man had some major positive influence on my life. I'm excited to give one gentleman a card on Sunday, the sweetest man ever who calls me his "dear daughter." Where my father fell short, plenty of other men stepped in and I plan to focus on that.

But as always I will be missing my grandfather and wishing for just one more moment to hear his laugh or feel his mustache on my face as he kissed me. I miss you and love you grandpa.

GOODTIMES

Longing for the days before you faded away
when we children used to run and play
in the yard while you grilled hot dogs
and Bobbie set out the mismatched napkins and paperplates

Missing the times you told me about God
and showed me heaven from the bathroom window
and prayed with us before tucking us
in to our sleeping bags on your living room floor never have I felt so safe

Wishing we were back at Vacation Bible School
making arts and crafts knowing you were proud
to be sharing your faith with us and me and Cyn so happy to just be with you

Longing for the days when my children were born and you would hold them and laugh
and you would bless them with your favorite prayer and pose for a photo for their baby albums

Missing the advice you had to share
and the stores of your childhood in Barbados
and your world travels and the debates we used to have
over a glass or two of your mystery juice mixes and seltzer water

Wishing you never suffered
Wishing you never felt any pain
Wishing your strength never faded to weakness
and your muscles to skin and bone
wishing your eyes never took on that farway away look
Wishing you never grew cold
Wishing you never slipped away from me,
from us, from this world

Never will I forget you
Never will your memory leave my mind
Never will I forget the sound of your voice
Never will I forget the smell of your skin and the firmness of your hands
Nor the sharpness of your wit nor the
breadth of your mind
There will never be another one like you
God created you one of a kind
So glad as a grandfather you were mine

So thankful to have had you
So happy for the bit of extra time to hold you and say goodbye
So glad that God was a generous God when he took you he left me with the memories of you and the goodtimes.

Im Memory of Ivan Eugene Daniel -Keley Johnson Feb 22, 2007 8:09pm

In lieu of posting my thoughts that are so not PG-13 I'll post some yummy photos of David Banner. He is generally not my type but something about these pics says tie me up.