CityofCyn

I must be getting old cause I barely remember my first kiss. I was 13 I think (I don't feel like doing the math) and it was the summer before my freshman year of high school. I was "dating" a dude who was 17 and had the hugest crush on him. I used to think he looked like Dalvin from Jodeci and looking back now my eyesight has always been real questionable. To my defense, my sister and friend both agreed that he did.

I'm pretty sure I was in my room. My mom worked an hour away and so we pretty much did whatever we wanted while she was at work. I remember being nervous and I remember thinking it was so completely opposite of what I thought kissing would be. I enjoyed it though. And to this day I love kissing. My 1st kiss and I recently connected on Myspace 2 years ago. My sophomore year or high school he went to jail for 8-10 years and I wrote him letters for the first 4 years or so until we lost touch.

My 2nd kiss happened at church summer camp and it was the kiss every girl dreams of. Handsome man, walking amongst the trees at night. We walked a little bit away from the group and under the night stars he kissed me. We spent the week at camp joined at the hip and even walked hand in hand on the beach. It was my most romantic moment at the time and probably helped set the stage for the romantic woman I am now. My 2nd kiss and I are still friends and are in contact on facebook.

I need to play catch up- chest pains had me rushed to the ER for a series of tests (all inconclusive) and so I am a few days behind. I have a minor heart condition and I honestly believe I have a broken heart. I take everything to heart and my emotions and stress affect me physically.














My Beliefs
I believe in life, love and the pursuit of happiness.

I believe that Jesus died for my sins and through Him I have eternal life. I believe that through Him all things are possible. I believe in prayer, miracles and good old fashioned hard work. I also believe that everyone that tries their best to live a good life will go to heaven no matter what they call God. I believe that the other world's religions are just as right as I believe Christianity is right for me. I believe that all things come together for His good for those who love the Lord.

I believe in family, great friends, laughter, love, long kisses, bubble baths, dark chocolate, equality, free speech, boundaries, good books, music with words and beats so poignant they evoke memories and emotions, cute shoes, sparkles, chicken wings, salty snacks and moments that take your breath away! I believe crying is cleansing to the soul. I believe tears are words your heart can't express.

I believe that happiness is mine for the taking and I can have ANYTHING I want if I am willing to work for it. I believe I was gifted with everything inside me that I need to be totally fulfilled and it is up to me to make it happen.

I believe life has ups and downs. I believe in rewriting the game plan. I believe in starting over. I believe in second chances. I believe in tears and fears but being brave enough to keep going. I believe in change. I believe in counseling and crying on shoulders. I believe in asking for help and trying your best. I believe in life long learning. I believe that if you dream it- it can be yours. I believe in writing it down and making it happen. I believe in failing and falling down but getting right back up. I believe the heart breaks but can be healed. I believe in the expecting the best of people.

I believe in an everlasting love that makes a happy life that much better. I believe in compromise and making up. I believe in giving more than I take. I believe in giving as much as I want to receive. I believe that love is always worth it. I also believe that God doesn't let you give your whole heart or love to your full potential until a person loves you with the same intensity. I believe in butterflies.

I believe in giving back. I believe in doing all that I can to be a good person and using the talents I have been blessed with to leave this world a better place than it was when I entered it. I believe in helping others. I believe in getting ahead AND looking back to so that I can take someone along for the ride.

I believe I will be a great wife and mother one day. I believe I am an awesome daughter, sister, and friend. I believe I will live the life I see in my dreams and this depression won't be here forever. I believe in happily ever after.

I believe everyone of us has a far greater purpose than we realize.

I'm not sure what exactly I am supposed to write, I assume maybe my most memorable moment?? I'm just gonna list a few moments that stand out in my mind.

-The moment I laid eyes on my nephew. I was with my sister as she had her C-section and was the first person besides the doctors to lay eyes on him. I also captured his very first pictures.

-4 days after I was married my ex donated his kidney to his cousin. I will never forget that moment in the waiting room when the call came from the OR that the ex was just fine in recovery and even though the surgery wasn't yet complete the kidney was functioning in his cousin. I truly saw the miracle of medicine and the hand of God upon the doctors. That is a day I will never forget.

-The day my grandfather died. I had just left his side after staying there all night and as soon as he had a few moments alone, he slipped away. He was under hospice care and so we called all the family before calling the funeral home and it basically all day before his body was picked up. I helped my aunt remove the pillow that had propped up his body and I kissed and touched him. I had never been that close to a dead body and I remember being so sad yet so happy he was no longer in pain. I am forever grateful for the time to process his death and be with him.

-Graduating. I graduated HS early and didn't opt to wait a year to walk across the stage. While my college graduations are now ruined by who I shared those moments with, I still take great pride in those moments. I wasn't a traditional student and I went to great distances to finally get my AA and then my BA. Hearing my name and crossing that stage is an indescribable feeling.

-This is going to sound extremely cliche- but EVERY.SINGLE.MOMENT with Superman. I have never known a love like this. Every single moment leaves me breathless and amazed that this gorgeous man of God loves me. Every moment feels like the first. Despite the ups and downs he makes sure I know that I am loved and though I know he struggles, I never doubt his love. Whether he is mine when all is said and done remains to be seen, but the moments we share in the here and now touch me to my heart and soul.

I've become a pro at putting a smile on my face even when my heart is broken inside. I can choke back tears and explain the sudden welling of tears in my eyes as an eyelash irritating me. I can put on big bright earrings and pink lipstick in an effort to be sure that no one looks close enough to see how completely broken I feel. Day after day I put on this facade and come and do my job, better than most I work with, and I even amaze myself sometimes. I'm crying inside. Dying to climb into bed and pull the covers over me. But instead I keep on putting on my big girl panties and trying to make each day different than the one before. Anxiously waiting on the day when my smile isn't just a mask set over dead and sad eyes.

Depression sucks...

Being such a hopeless romantic I thought defining love would be easy but it's not. It's always been hard for me to explain why I love a person, I just know it's a feeling that words simply don't do justice. Love in my opinion, is the desire to endure life's ups, downs, happiness, sadness, fights, stresses, joys, tears, laughter, change and growth with a person who you can't imagine life without. That person could be your S/O, spouse, child, pet...whomever. There is a person I love that completely. It is far from easy and I know that it won't be all roses, butterflies and sunshine but there is no other person I'd rather ride the roller-coaster of life with. Even when I'm mad, I want to quickly fix it and I still want to be near him. That's a first for me cause I come from a long line of grudge holders. Whether I am happy or sad, I want to run to him. He makes my world ok. When his arms are around me- nothing else matters. And when he's sad or stressing the cape comes on and Superwoman kicks in. I would gladly live my entire life putting a smile on his face cause he does the same for me. Sadly, so far this love is not meant to be and I'm as ok with that as I can be. Maybe we will pull it together and live happily ever after but if not- the love that is truly destined to be will be even better and that's a love I cannot yet fathom.

I thought about this post off and on all night, and was kinda excited to write it. I still look back on that time with my first love fondly and smile at the memories.

I meet J when I was 16. He lived a few houses down from my cousins. I had graduated a year early and he was finishing his senior year of high school. He was super smart and received lots of academic awards and he played football and ran track. He wasn't fine to me but he was definitely attractive. He was mature for his age and was very popular. We met and clicked immediately. We talked on the phone a lot and I had a special code to use when I paged him. Damn, that makes me feel old. For my age we actually spent quite a bit of time together, we went to the movies and I hung out at his house with his mom and step father. He was very sweet and respectful and it was quite a bit of time before we even kissed. He was pretty much the first guy I dated and not just "kicked it."

Before I knew it that school year and summer had flown by and he was leaving to go play football at a college out of state. I was so heart broken. It was the hardest thing my 16 year old heart had ever been through. I cried non-stop the weekend he left. We kept in touch and I sent him a million letters. I wore a gold J charm on my necklace. I was so SPRUNG!!! He came home that September for his brothers wedding and I remember the night so clearly. I was waiting for him to arrive and MTV announced that Tupac had just died. We spent some time together and he was back to school that Monday.

One day I'm at school and this girl walks up to me and asks me if I'm dating J. I knew it was gonna be bad. I told her yes I was and she told me she was also dating J. They had dated before and reconnected at his brothers wedding. My entire world came crashing in. I went to a pay phone and called him and he couldn't think of much to say- he was kinda stunned that I found out even though this girl and I went to the same junior college. I was beyond hurt and embarrassed as hell that his two closest homeboys that I hung out with every day and had classes with both knew. Long story short, I broke up with him that day. He called me later with her on three-way and told me that he was going to try and work it out with her and I wished him well.

We remained friends and became romantically involved again a year or so later. He was my best friend. We were never officially a couple again but he was always my go-to guy. He always had time to listen to me and make me feel better if I was going through a hard time. I always told him I loved him when we spoke even though he never said it back and I was fine with that. I didn't want him saying it if he didn't mean it. My best friend happened to be dating his roommate and so we flew to their college for a week to visit them for one of the worst weeks of my life. We got plenty of dirty looks from the girls on campus they were seeing, my girl set her hair on fire, her dude practically ignored her the entire time and J and I had another fight after I found a bunch of letters from some other chick he was dating. The highlight of that trip was me and my friend becoming inseparable BFF's from that time forward and I also met an amazing man, C, while I was at WSU and though we would never see each other again we became the best of friends for a few years.

Along the way I realized that he sucked as my boyfriend but was an amazing friend and we remained the best of friends until I moved in with my fiance. One time that stands out in my mind is right after he was home to play in the Rosebowl, I was missing him and we'd talk and I'd tell him to come home he just kept saying soon. We were on the phone early that morning and he said we talk later but he asked if I would be home. A few hours later I got a knock on my door and there he was. I of course cried and he said to me you asked me to come home so here I am. Of course he was home for family stuff as well but he made the most of it and made me feel like the most special girl in the world.

My fiance was not pleased that my best friend was a man I had been romantically involved with and so the friendship began to fade. Ironically, just as I was planning a wedding I was getting off the phone with J and said I love you and he said I love you too. I was shocked and a little excited but J and I never spoke again after that. I moved in with the fiance and never gave J my new number and the friendship just kinda fizzled.

Despite the cheating J was a good guy. He was always there when I needed him and he was a great friend. I remember calling him on many occasions cause me and my mom were fighting and he'd come get me and take me to his house to watch movies. We still have mutual friends but he and I have not spoken. He has since had a kid and lives outta state and I hope that he is happy!

The more I think about, I seem to fall for J's. I don't know what it is about guys with J names, but in my experience they have been the sweetest most respectful guys and I fall hard for them. I think I need to stay far, far away from them.

I've had the week from hell. I should be losing my mind and sometimes I feel like I am but I've held it halfway together. In the last 7 days I've dealt with or attempted to deal with:

- Another difficult talk with Superman. This time is it.
- A family emergency with my first born niece, my heart. My heart is broken for her.
- The death of a co-worker and his wife in a car accident, their daughter remains in ICU.
- Drama with my niece's father's family.
- Drama with my mom and siblings who live with her.
- My lil brother in jail with a DUI. My mom called me in a panic at midnight and my heart dropped. I thought for sure my granny passed away even though she isn't sick or anything.
- The death of yet another young Kappa. I didn't know him personally but know plenty of people who did. I've seen so many young people in my social circle pass and it's always so sad. Death is never easy, but when young people die it always seems so unfair.
- The death of a church member.
- One of my "little sisters" was pregnant. She lost her baby due to a placental abruption. His name way Jayden and he was laid to rest this week.
- I had a stomach bug all week and barely went to work. I couldn't keep anything down or in.

Needless to say I've had a bit of crappy week but I've handled it better than I would have expected. I've just been staying to myself as much as possible and suppressing the urge to kick more than a few folks in their damn throats. I've fallen on my knees in tears more than once and prayed over and over again.

I'll be in Seattle next weekend for work and I am looking forward to a comfy hotel suite with a jacuzzi tub. I'm gonna do so much relaxing and praying and maybe I'll luck up on a sexy Pharmacist to get my groove back with. Just jokes ya'll. The super one still holds my heart but I will be glad to put some distance between us even though we don't really see each other. What I will be doing is networking and making connections with pharmacy schools in case I really do decide to move to a new state.

I've come to some realizations this week and I've pushed myself and worked hard on my will power but there is so much more to learn and Lord, I am willing and ready. Lead me.

I can't love him the way I want/need to be loved. I have to love him in the way that actually makes him feel loved and I don't think I have been doing that. Why is knowing that and doing it so damn hard?

I feel like I am in self sabotage mode cause that will push me to make a definitive decision and ease the uncertainty that I feel but in the long run that won't help. I have to endure this and get to the end, however that may come.

Today is a day that I wish I didn't love him as much as I do.

Love is so totally worth it but so totally terrifying at the same time.

I'm a lover, not a fighter.

Why can't I make "I love you enough not to hurt you" make sense in my mind?

Friday was super duper emotional for me. I woke up very happy and in a good mood. Thursday night I had a good chat with Superman, we prayed and I feel asleep at peace and in love. I curled up with my teddy bear and Superman in my heart. It's funny- it's never been the gifts or nice dinners, I love him best when he is simply being him. When he's happy, calm and his adorable self my heart swells. I love him so deeply and a part of me always will. I walked into work ready to face the day.

As I got to my desk my co-worker walked in teary eyed. As I hugged her I could hear her sniffling and I told her to just cry if she needed to. She told me it was the one year anniversary of her mother's death and she wailed. Loud anguished sobs from deep down inside her broken heart. Sobs that echoed through the halls in our building and I just held her as tears welled up in my own eyes. Not only was she trying to deal with mourning her mom, in less than a week she would be in the hospital facing a double mastectomy. I felt so sad for all that she was going through. Suddenly, I needed Superman, I wanted to be held and I wanted to hold him. I couldn't help but that think that twice in his life he had felt that gut wrenching deep to the soul pain of losing a parent. I wanted to kiss him and erase every pain he had ever felt. I was overwhelmed. My problems and hurts seems so insignificant and for a second I felt badly for even being sad lately. I ended up feeling a torent of emotions. I was amazed at how God works. I was so grateful for the opportunity to be there to comfort her and to be a blessing in her time of need. It ministered to my heart. I'm usually a quiet praiser, the kinda person that sits in church and just lets the tears fall, but I wad feeling a lot and if I was home or somewhere alone I probably would have shouted.

After work my co-worker and I grabbed lunch and we just talked. Before I knew it we had been talking for more than 3 hours. She confided a lot of her hurts in me and I just listened. For some reason she has let me into her life and I had the knowledge and resources to help her through this journey. She told me she buried her mother all ALONE. She literally stood at the graveside all by herself with no one around but a mortuary worker as her mother was committed to the earth. I knew her mother was sick, I knew she passed but I never for a moment thought she was going through it all alone. It made me wonder what my co-workers go through daily that I have no idea about. I promised to go visit my co-worker in the hospital and take her to follow up appointments and since she is so private and used to being alone I volunteered to coordinate the other co-workers who might want to drop off gifts and food.

I don't know what God's plan is but this is the 2nd time I've walked a breast cancer journey with someone who for the most part was alone. My homegirl had plenty of friends and family but she lived in California while they all lived in the south. In between her visits from her mom and granny she had to battle by herself and I did what I could. I know my gift is that I am a nurturer and a caregiver but I get the distinct feeling that I am being led in a specific direction; maybe this is why I was led to the breast cancer foundation in the first place. Time will tell. I certainly enjoy helping and I'm grateful for the opportunity but it can be draining and fulfilling all at the same time.

I selfishly told Superman that I wanted to spend time with him even though we just spent a lot of time together last week. I shoulda left it alone after he said he wasn't sure but that he was thinking of relaxing at home. I usually try to adjust to what he needs but hell, if I don't ask I won't know. I know it stressed him cause he feels bad about not giving me what I want. That wasn't my intent though, my intent is never to stress him but it keeps happening. It wasn't so much that he wanted to relax at home but that he was gonna come buy and pick up something and not stay. I don't like seeing him and not getting to really enjoy his company. This is where living in limbo gets hard- there are days where I just need him and I can't really explain why. My day was emotional and I just needed his comfort and as much as he'd give it if I asked and really said I needed it, he doesn't have to and I end up feeling guilty for even asking. Since I love him so much, I never not to want to see him. I just have to learn to cope better on my own.

I've laid low today and kinda kept to myself. Every time I try not to cause conflict it seems like that's exactly what I do and my honey is too sweet to tell me that I am driving him crazy. I think he needs his space and I'm gonna try and give it to him. Dealing just seems to get harder and harder. We go for periods of time with no conflict and then it seems like back to back conflicts. I KNOW he loves me and I know in another time and place things would be perfect but they aren't and it hurts. Sometimes I want reassurance but he doesn't owe that to me. *sigh*

So is it bad that I want to cuddle Superman again? I miss him! This week has been stressful for the both of us and we seem to be riding roller coasters at different times. When he's up, I'm down and vice versa. It makes me sad when he is sad and I want to switch into Superwoman mode. That man is my heart, I just want things to be ok!

I've been thinking long and hard about Superman I. Thinking about some things that were brought to my attention and I again find myself thinking I can live in limbo for this guy. What we share is so special no matter what we call it. He is SO worth it and I see him trying his best to get it together. The one thing I know is that I wanna be there to support him no matter what. My mind is always in circles over it and my tummy stays in knots. I think I've done well this week in not beating him over the head with things and just letting things be, I hope that helps some.

My devotional the other night was Myth: If I Pray About my Problem it Will Go Away. I am so guilty of thinking that because I prayed (and prayed and prayed) my problem should be wiped away. I hate to think that God's answer is NO or WAIT, especially when I want something so badly. I think my answer right now is WAIT but I'm not 100% sure. It could also be NO and that would break me. The blessing is that even with no and wait as answers God turns everything around for our good. That I know for sure.