CityofCyn

I read somewhere in a book that everyone should have their own personal glam squad. Lots of women are notorious for admiring celebs and such and saying well if I had the stylists, makeup artists, personal trainers, etc that she does well then I'd be stunning all the time. I know I've said it numerous times. The book I read said that we may not have all of the money they have but that doesn't mean we can't take the proper care of ourselves or as MonicaMingo says, Be More Vain.

I know part of my depression is not feeling really good about how I look physically. I want to get up and out of the house but I feel blah. I'm determined to not Sit Up in My Room all day like Brandy but I'm not that motivated to get out and meet people cause my confidence has taken a nose dive. I don't have anything in the closet that makes me feel cute, my skin is a mess and I haven't quite mastered styling my hair. Don't even get me started on trying to lose this weight.

Bottom line is I need to Be More Vain. I gotta take care of me and do the things that will make me healthy and happy. What I look like isn't the only thing to focus on but it is important. To me being beautiful is both inside and out and so I am working on all aspects of that; physical, mental and emotional.







I'm creating my own glam squad:
- I scheduled a dentist appointment and got my teeth cleaned. I go to get my cavities filled (with porcelain) at the end of the month.
- I made my dermatologist appointment. I was prescribed an antibiotic, a bleaching cream and and a retinoid cream. I have a followup in 6 weeks.
- I made an appointment with the nutritionist for the end of the month.
- I have an eye appointment at the end of the month. I need new glasses, new contacts and to find out how much of Lasik is covered by my insurance.
- I need to schedule a phsyical, my annual and bloodwork.
- I have my lil' brother as my personal trainer and I'm gong to lose 5lbs this month.
- I went and bought 4 very cute dresses. They make me look fabulous and I feel GREAT in them. I'm also purging my closet of the stuff I don't wear and that I don't feel pretty in.
- I am looking for a hair salon, mine closed. I'm gonna get my hair down at least once a month even if it means cutting out a few visits to WingStop.
- My BFF is a make-up artist and I will be perfecting my technique and making an effort to glam up just a bit every day.
- I will continue therapy past my 10 free visits because I think it is helping. It's like church to me, it gives me motivation and hope to keep trying and just when I feel like I'm so burnt out that I can't continue I get to go back and get revived.
-I'm also working through the exercises in Self Matters by Dr. Phil. This book came recommended by my therapist and I am really enjoying it.

For now that's it. When I get my living situation squared away I'll work on making that what I want to be so I can be comfy.

I am very much a work in progress and each day if I only make a tiny bit of improvement at least I'm moving forward.

I just got back from my hair appointment and I am feeling beautiful. My hair is blowing in the breeze and I feel like I should be singing the Just For Me song. In the year and a half since I cut it short it's grown tremendously and now that my ends are trimmed I realize my hair is far healthier than I thought. I hope I can keep it up because feeling pretty does wonders for my mood.

I feel pretty, oh so pretty.

My honey is away on his annual Super Bowl cruise and I am missing him like crazy. Thursday we kinda debated about whether of not we should spend V-Day together. Here's yet another area where we don't see eye to eye and I can't figure out a compromise. It's not just V-Day, more importantly it's his birthday and it means a lot to me that we spend it together. I understand his point of view but yet in still it means a lot to me and that should be enough. It doesn't have to be a big production, just us hanging out like usual. I guess the reality of it is, it's his birthday and it's his choice. If I end up spending it alone I will have to think about what that says and means to me. I had kinda decided that I was through and I was gonna try my best to detach and then he came over and just talked and told me how much he loved me and here I am again...so in love and so confused. He worries that special events will send me mixed signals and yet comes over and tells me from the bottom of heart how he feels as if that's any easier. I'm grateful that he told me cause I definitely needed the reminder. I don't know what to do; this man has my whole heart and I have his and yet it just won't come together.

I went to a volunteer mixer for the breast cancer foundation and then out for the drinks with the girls. It was nice to get out even though I was a bit sleepy. I enjoyed myself and was glad I went but my mind was a bit preoccupied. The gBFF and I returned to my place to chat till 2am. It was nice to have a heart to heart and just talk and listen. Even though I forget it sometimes- she and I are so much alike. Hopeful, outgoing, optimistic and totally loving. She understands, never judges and has my best interest at heart. It's so hard to explain a situation I don't fully understand myself and one that can be slightly embarrassing but somehow she gets it. I'm glad the she can see just how amazing Superman is too and that she genuinely believes that he loves me. That makes me feel less foolish. I'm blessed to have her.

I can't say I am happy this weekend but I am not too sad. More thoughtful than anything else. I grocery shopped so I need to cook and pack my lunches for the week and finally do my laundry. I am so looking forward to my honey coming home on Monday. It's hell to not talk to him but I'll survive and I think this break will have been good for us both. I'm prayerful that he will come home rested and revived.

This week has been rough. I haven't been on an emotional roller coaster in some time but this week has had some major ups and downs. Aunt Flo is in town and I am sure she has been contributing to the craziness that has been my week.

I got no sleep last night. I was up all night reading about the horrible side and after effects of the Depo-Provera shot. I loved it while I was on it but after getting off I became sickly. In addition to the extreme weight gain I had a wide range of issues from joint problems to the most overpowering exhaustion, acne, muscle pain, back pain, ....just the overall feeling that I was falling apart. Like the stories I read last night, the women all had and continue to have normal lab results. I don't think Depo is the devil and I think it may be perfect for some people but in some cases it adversely affects the health of the women taking it for years during and after. I just wish I knew how to fix it.

I went to the courthouse today and didn't get any real help. I waited for hours and walked out just as confused as before. I did get one new form and hopefully that will finalize my docs. I had to go see the ex and get him to sign it. Of course he wanted to be super friendly and I just wanted his signature. Doesn't matter now, I got that accomplished so I know its back to waiting for a response from the court.

I've been so up and down that I went to the cemetery to visit my cousin and Papa. I just sat there with the tears streaming down my face. I am so accustomed to just taking the bulls by the horn and handling things and I can't do that with my life right now and I certainly can't do it with his. I just want things to be better for us both. I want him to stand up for himself and do what he wants to for once. I need him to have the strength to make tough decisions. I know that there are storms in our lives and they don't last for ever.....It's just that I can see the rainbow and the calm after the storm but they are just outta my reach.

I met up with my friend Andrea today for lunch. It has been YEARS since we've seen each other even though we occasionally talk on the phone, facebook, and follow each others blogs. We always say we must get together soon and today we finally did. It was nice to catch up a bit. I was also very good. I had salmon, rice pilaf and steamed veggies. I ordered a Pepsi (yuck) and a water and only drank half of the Pepsi and I had two full glasses of water. I also ordered Avocado Egg Rolls and had two small ones and left the rest. Not too bad for being out and staring at a menu full of things that aren't good for me. My friend sells Mary Kay so she also brought me my mineral foundation that I ordered. Im hoping that I like it.

I am back at home after a very full day and I am relaxing before I go for a walk. I am semi-comfy since the house is empty but the kitchen is a mess and I am just unsettled. I need to cook more and stock up on fresh food so I can drop some pounds but I'm just not comfy enough here to do that. I have to suck it up and get over it though. This won't be my home forever and I just need to make the best of it or find somewhere else to live. I'm gonna try and be outta here the end of the year.

I got a second minor pay raise in February and it just dawned on me that I never saw a change in my check. It won't be a lot, but every little bit counts. A friend I loaned money to last summer also brought me a payment and I am very glad because it will help me catch up on my car note. Things are gonna slowly get better. I just gotta trust and believe that.

I am still looking for a second job. I can't imagine getting off work and going to work someone else, especially for minimum wage but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. I hope I can find something soon.

The Superman has had a tough weekend and though we communicate a million ways all day we haven't spoken on the phone in a day or so. I miss him even though we have spent the last 4 weekends together. I know he needs his quiet time and he hates when I worry about him but that's just me. I'm a worrier. I don't know what to do with him. Sometimes all I wanna do is hug him and let him know he is loved and other times I wanna shake him.

This article had me stunned? Pretty Girls 8 years old and getting an eyebrow AND a bikink wax??  We are headed to hell in a handbasket, I tell ya! I wasn't allowed to shave my legs or pits until my mom specifically told me I could. There were no ifs, ands or butts about it. I had to be a hairy wildeebeest unless mommy dearest said otherwise. It seems that kids are losing their innocence so much earlier these days. When I was in elementary we looked like elementary school kids. Now-a-days going to school is like walking into the club. It's a wonder that these male teachers aren't catching cases left and right. I've chaperoned high school dances and not not seen one floor length ball gown. When did pasties and a mini skirt become appropriate prom attire? When did it become appropriate attire for ANYONE. Saturday I take my precious baby cousin to get her hair, nails and eyebrows down for prom. She is 17 and there will be no inappropriate beauty regimens going on. Not on my watch!!