CityofCyn

I guess I'll take a moment to play catch up since I started the 30 Day Blog Challenge a day behind everyone else. I'm going through a sad period and keeping a smile on my face is a hard thing but I'm determined to get through it. I'm still amazed that my feelings haven't changed and in fact grown but if there is one thing I know from experience it's that I can't control anyone else's actions but my own.

What I Ate Today
I have notoriously bad eating habits. I've never had a big appetite. I eat like a bird and rarely finish anything, my mom loved when I lived with her because there was always leftovers and take out boxes in the fridge which she gladly packed for lunch. Somewhere after 2 years on the Depo Provera shot and my mid-20's my metabolism completely died and I went from 98 lbs soaking wet with bricks in my pockets to 215 at my heaviest in just over 7 years. Now my teeny weeny appetite doesn't help cause my body saves every single thing and stores it for energy cause it never knows when I am going to eat next. Couple that with the fact that I live alone and don't cook so I find myself in the drive thru for most meals and you have a woman with atrocious eating habits and a horrible diet.

Anyhow, I was sad last night so I came in from work and didn't eat. This morning on my way into work I stopped and grabbed donuts for the office. I ate one chocolate cake donut and a bottle of apple juice. I got busy and distracted at work and before I knew it was 2 oclock. I walked to the cafeteria and grabbed a salad with mixed greens, black olives, beets, garbanzo beans, egg yolks, and cheese and topped it with cilantro dressing. I also had a snack bag of sour cream and onion chips. Dr. M shared an apple with me around 5 pm. On my way home I stopped in the drive thru at JackNBox and got a 3 piece egg roll at about 6 pm. I'm sitting on the couch watching TV and I won't eat again before bed. So while I probably didn't eat horribly today, I coulda done much better.

Eating is hard for me. I eat with my eyes and then I don't touch or barely pick at my food. Even if I get a burger combo meal at the drive thru I rarely eat a full burger and only if I'm really craving salt do I finish my fries. My biggest struggle with losing weight is my inability to eat. I need to eat multiple times a day but I just can't do it. If I attempt to eat before I'm ready I literally get nauseous. Even when I workout and I am active my appetite doesn't increase. So that's what I ate today and my struggle with food...

I read somewhere in a book that everyone should have their own personal glam squad. Lots of women are notorious for admiring celebs and such and saying well if I had the stylists, makeup artists, personal trainers, etc that she does well then I'd be stunning all the time. I know I've said it numerous times. The book I read said that we may not have all of the money they have but that doesn't mean we can't take the proper care of ourselves or as MonicaMingo says, Be More Vain.

I know part of my depression is not feeling really good about how I look physically. I want to get up and out of the house but I feel blah. I'm determined to not Sit Up in My Room all day like Brandy but I'm not that motivated to get out and meet people cause my confidence has taken a nose dive. I don't have anything in the closet that makes me feel cute, my skin is a mess and I haven't quite mastered styling my hair. Don't even get me started on trying to lose this weight.

Bottom line is I need to Be More Vain. I gotta take care of me and do the things that will make me healthy and happy. What I look like isn't the only thing to focus on but it is important. To me being beautiful is both inside and out and so I am working on all aspects of that; physical, mental and emotional.







I'm creating my own glam squad:
- I scheduled a dentist appointment and got my teeth cleaned. I go to get my cavities filled (with porcelain) at the end of the month.
- I made my dermatologist appointment. I was prescribed an antibiotic, a bleaching cream and and a retinoid cream. I have a followup in 6 weeks.
- I made an appointment with the nutritionist for the end of the month.
- I have an eye appointment at the end of the month. I need new glasses, new contacts and to find out how much of Lasik is covered by my insurance.
- I need to schedule a phsyical, my annual and bloodwork.
- I have my lil' brother as my personal trainer and I'm gong to lose 5lbs this month.
- I went and bought 4 very cute dresses. They make me look fabulous and I feel GREAT in them. I'm also purging my closet of the stuff I don't wear and that I don't feel pretty in.
- I am looking for a hair salon, mine closed. I'm gonna get my hair down at least once a month even if it means cutting out a few visits to WingStop.
- My BFF is a make-up artist and I will be perfecting my technique and making an effort to glam up just a bit every day.
- I will continue therapy past my 10 free visits because I think it is helping. It's like church to me, it gives me motivation and hope to keep trying and just when I feel like I'm so burnt out that I can't continue I get to go back and get revived.
-I'm also working through the exercises in Self Matters by Dr. Phil. This book came recommended by my therapist and I am really enjoying it.

For now that's it. When I get my living situation squared away I'll work on making that what I want to be so I can be comfy.

I am very much a work in progress and each day if I only make a tiny bit of improvement at least I'm moving forward.

Hi guys!! I am still here. I have been so exhausted!!! I had a busy weekend and I am still trying to recover.

The LAKERS won yet again. I gave myself a migraine being so stressed and on pins and needles about the final game. Who knew I would be more than an occasional sports fan. I've always watched games if someone else was watching but now I actually turn them on when I am all alone and sit and yell at my TV. I'm ready for football season to start.

My co-worker that I mentioned had her double mastectomy. Believe it or not her hospital stay was only 24 hours and being that she was all alone I took her home with me. There was just no way I was sending her home alone with drains and wounds to tend to as well as a variety of meds around the clock. I couldn't believe that they would kick you out of the hospital that quickly after major surgery knowing you are all by yourself, the mental/emotional affects of that surgery alone should afford you another day or two in the hospital alone. My co-worker pretty slept except for eating and watching a bit of TV. I slept on the floor in my living room and got up every 4 hours to tend to her meds. I don't know how parents do (though I'm almost ready to find out) because I am still worn out. I got to sleep but having it broken up in chunks leaves you groggy and I am too old and beat up to be sleeping on the floor, my poor body can't take it. I took her home Monday, went to therapy and then went straight home and climbed into bed.

Sunday we had my nephews 1st birthday celebration as well as his baby blessing. It was very nice to have all of the family together and my lil brother was so overjoyed to have us all gather for Father's Day, his first with his 1 year old son. While I am sad that he and the mother of his child are not together, I can see his commitment to being a good father and I am proud of the man he is growing to be. Since I got to focus on my brother I didn't have much time to dwell on my lack of a father. My mind was on Superman though and how he was coping.

Therapy was good this week. It was tough and I went in feeling good but left in tears. They weren't necessarily bad tears though. I'm just tired and frustrated and sad. I'm making progress and keeping up with the mini goals I set for myself each time my therapist and I meet which is a good thing. I just have to keep doing what I need for myself and the rest will fall into place. That I know for sure, I just gotta quit being so anxious about it all. Superman is on the verge of setting his counseling appointment and that makes me very happy. Going through it all myself it can be a bit embarrassing and scary but I'm so glad I made the decision to go talk to someone cause it definitely helps.

Emotionally things are...things. Nothing really new to report. The last week or so seemed really tense but I think we both had so much going we weren't trying to burden each other. I was just trying to let him but I honestly don't know how not to communicate with him cause it doesn't come naturally at all. I know he needs space to work through things but we talk so much not doing so feels weird to us both. I think we've kinda fallen back into our comfortable little groove and that's fine by me. I feel a little more content and I just get this feeling that things will be ok eventually. Time will tell.

I made my dentist, dermatology and eye doctor appointments. So far I've seen the dentist and I see he derm on Monday. I was so not pleased with my dental appointment and for the first time in my life I have cavities. I'll be getting them filled in July, I hate the dentist so I pray it doesn't hurt. I gotta step up my flossing game and cut back on the Coke. The dentist shoved this magnifying mirror in my face to show me my teeth and seeing my face that up close and personal made me sad. I know it was greatly magnified but every pimple, scar and hair stood out and I hated it. All I could think was that this is what Superman sees when he's curled up next to me, he must be blind. I guess I should just be happy that he' still hanging around. I'm even more excited for my derm appointment cause I want to find something that works on this acne of mine.

All in all it's been a good week. I'm off tomorrow so I can mourn Michael Jackson and watch his videos all day. I'm pretty sure I'll see Superman this weekend and I am hoping it all goes well.

I suck at this!!! Working through an issue should give me some peace but it instead seems to leave my mind working overtime. I found myself up way past midnight last night and I tossed and turned. I'm trying to be better and I'm trying to be the strong independent Cyn I know myself to be but... I know what I need to do and what I want to do; it just does not seem to come easy nowadays. I gave in and whined to Superman today even though I didn't want to. I hate myself for doing it. I want to be strong enough to handle it on my own and not dump my emotions in his lap. I spoke to someone whose opinion I value tremendously and I think I received some sage advice. I gotta get far more REAL men on my team, cause his help was invaluable. Nothing I don't think I really didn't know, but sometimes hearing it from someone else helps. I still struggle with putting it into practice though. Everyday I get up and I try my hardest though. One day the princess shall reign victorious. Until that day....*sigh*

I'm working on my budget again and staring at these numbers is driving me crazy. Makes me want to scream. I have some ideas on how I can move ahead careerwise but of course these things take time and I of course have to get people on board with my ideas; I'm optimistic though. I also believe my volunteer jobs are leading me to a place I have always wanted to be. I would need to take a few classes and invest in a new computer and software but it's my passion and it would be well worth it. I'm trying to remember that it's never too late to step out on Faith and follow your dreams. I've written down and I've thought about it numerous times- maybe I just need to go for it. I'm anxiously awaiting some info from school as well, so that has my tummy nervous.

I'm working on my relationship review today. I answered these questions last week but I went over them again and added to them. I got these over at Think, Pretty, Smart.

RELATIONSHIP REVIEW
1. What did you do RIGHT?
2. What did you do WRONG?
3. How did you handle things differently based on what you learned from previous relationships?
4. Do you remember the moment you felt things were going downhill? How did you handle it? If you feel that way again in your next relationship, how will you handle it next time?
5. Are their any traits in the recent ex that other ex's share? Is there a reason why you keep choosing men with that/those characteristics? Did that/those trait play a part in the relationship not working?
6. What things did you/them compromise on? Did this compromise help or hurt?
7. Was there an equal distribution? (i.e. he spent most of the money, you spent most of the effort, etc.)
8. Would you go back? Why? Why not? (Remember this one)
9. Did it end because of problems between the two of you or other reasons? If you take those other reasons out, would you still be together?
10. Can you be friends? If not, why? If so, how will this begin?
11. How can I avoid this in the future?
12. Would I have wanted this to continue?
13. Am I damaged? Is there something wrong with me?
14. What's my lesson?

My what I did wrong is longer than what I did right! But hell, lesson learned.

So, something must give. Meds are looking more and more like an option as I find myself struggling more and more often. I was overcome with the worst bought of insecurity yesterday to the point of tears. I know where it came from and I know why I felt the way I felt...that didn't lessen the yucky feeling. I talked myself through it and replaced my irrational thoughts with the truth and eventually settled myself. I'm just so damn frustrated all the time.

I didn't go party Saturday night because I didn't feel like getting dressed and driving by myself to Westwood. Besides, I was planning on wearing a strapless dress and had no one to zip it for me. I was returning from LA on Sunday when my buddy again invited me to a Kappa Big Brother, Little Brother function and then to watch the game and I just didn't feel like it. I wanted to go home and climb into bed. I gotta quit being anti-social. This guy is my ride-or-die and I shoulda supported at least one of his events this weekend. Luckily, he gets me and so it wasn't a huge deal. I gotta get off my ass no matter what my mood is like and enjoy life.

There are things about me that absolutely must change and I am going to try my best to work on them! These are going to be my journal questions for today:

What steps can people take to handle insecurity?

Step 1: Answer the following questions in your journal:

a. What behavior traits signal my insecurity?
b. What happened in my past to make me insecure?
c. What are some of my beliefs that account for my insecurity?
d. What are some negative consequences I've experienced due to my insecurity?
e. What behavior traits do I need to develop in order to overcome my insecurity?

Step 2: After identifying your insecurity, how can you handle it? Answer the following questions in your journal:

a. What substitute behavior traits could I develop that would indicate security in myself?
b. What are some positive consequences of exhibiting such secure behavior traits in my life?
c. What are some rational beliefs I must develop in order to exhibit secure behavior in my life?
d. How will my life change if I exhibit secure behavior?
e. What is my action plan to develop security in my life?
f. What obstacles stand in the way of my executing this action plan?
g. How can I overcome the obstacles to my development of self-confidence and security?

Step 3: Implement the plan of action in Step 2. Keep a log in your journal as you go through each stage of handling your insecurity.

Not surprisingly I've got a lot on my mind. Trying my best to relax and pray my stresses away especially after my panic attack earlier. I get so overwhelmed sometimes and I can't seem to calm myself. I cannot stop thinking about how a mess things are with me and Superman. It seems at every turn I say the wrong thing. I need to move on. We don't want the same things at this point nor do we have the same hopes and dreams for each other. I'm almost 100% comfortable with the idea of sticking this out and seeing what may be but then the lonely weekends and holidays come and I'm reminded that I want more. Nights like tonight, I want to be held. I want to relax and watch TV with him. I'm not willing to stand still, we can take a rest and we can change the route to take the long way, but I don't want to stand still in any area of my life. I don't want him to stand still in any area of his life either. I'm never comfortable with the idea of walking away, it just does not feel right, but it seems to make the most sense. He loves me, this I know for sure, but.... I need to move on.

I wanted to blog last night but I just couldn't, I was too exhausted. I returned to work after my counseling session with puffy red eyes and faked a smile through my last hour at work. We did a lot of talking about Superman. It felt good to get everything off my chest and while I felt better I still had no answers. I still have zero clarity on what is best for me. I left with a little list of things to do and as always a lot to pray about. By the time I made it home I was feeling like crap. I was cramping, I was cranky, I was sad, I was frustrated, I was mad, I was hopeless, I couldn't make the numbers work, I didn't know how I was gonna make it, I was missing my Papa, I was alone! I sobbed until I dry heaved. I climbed into bed, my eyes damn near swollen shut and stayed in the dark halfway listening to the TV until I fell asleep. It won't always be like this. It will get better. Somehow.

Yesterday I elected to contribute 3% to my retirement account. My employer already contributes 5% and I have to contribute 3% to get them to match 3% so I figured what the hell. I have to got to plan for my future and learn to pay myself first or I'll fool around and be 65 and still broke. It's all pre-tax and since the money will be gone before I even see it I'll just have to suck it up and live without it. I think I'm gonna try and do an automatic transfer to my savings too. At this rate, I'll be eating top ramen morning, noon and night but somethings gotta give. I was trying to figure out my budget and I honestly don't know how I'm gonna make it especially with an upcoming rent increase but I will figure it out. That may mean letting go of my one luxury which is cable. I don't know what I'd do without TV cause that's the only pleasure I have right now, but it's far more important to save. As it is my brakes are squeaking. I just got my car registered 3 months late and already there is something else to worry about, but I'll work it out. Somehow.

For some reason I thought my next counseling appointment was next week, but it's actually tomorrow. For homework I had to write down the things that were making me feel stuck; as much as I know I am sad and depressed it was still hard to pin point the exact things that make me feel that way. When it all boils down the reality is that I can name things that make me feel stuck (finances, my divorce, my degree, Superman, being alone, being depressed/sad, my weight/skin) only have that power over me because I allow it. So the truth is- I make myself stuck. I'm scared to move forward for a variety of reasons and I hope to work through them in my session tomorrow. I get anxious just thinking about it all. I can't make major moves until I know Superman is in a better place. He doesn't have to end up being my man but I have to know he is ok. That's major to me- his well being is just as important as my own.

I was also supposed to think of things that make JUST me happy. The things I enjoy benefit others AND bring me pleasure but I cannot for the life of me think of anything. I love to volunteer, I love to plan parties and events, I love to design and organize for others but I don't know how to please just me. There are a few things I think I'd like but the prospect of doing them alone sucks all the fun out of it. I wanna go to the beach, I want to go hear live music, I'd like to go to the museums but I don't wanna go alone. Not only do I now want to drive that far by myself, I know I wouldn't stay very long. I gotta work hard on this one.

All in all I am looking forward to my session. I literally cannot wait to get some of this off my chest and bounce some ideas around. Aunt Flo is wreaking havoc and I am cramping terribly. I have a lot on my mind as usual and I'm gonna try and turn in early so I can try to get to a full night's rest. I sent an email to Superman that I didn't intend to send and I could kick myself. I write him a million emails I never send and I had two windows open and sent the wrong one. I'll just have to deal with the repercussions of it. Wish me luck.

My 1st counseling appointment was yesterday and I am happy to report that it went well. VERY well in fact. I've been to 2 sessions of marriage counseling and I did counseling with my Pastor (my Uncle D) but this was very different and I really enjoyed it.

I realized for the first time someone really looked at me and asked me how my separation and ending of my marriage made me really feel. Immediately, tears sprang to my eyes. Even as emotional as I am I didn't think I'd cry. I heard myself saying, betrayed, like a failure, like I wasn't worth it. I don't want him or that marriage back but those feeling sometimes linger. When things get rocky that's my first thought- no one's gonna think I'm worth it to stick it out. I've talked about my divorce a million times but it just felt different, like she truly wanted to know how I was affected by it and I felt ok to really reveal how shitty it made me feel.

We talked about work, my finances, and of course Superman. Tears sprang to my eyes again. It is so hard loving and being loved by a man who doesn't know his own worth and won't let you love him back. From the way I described him and spoke of him, my counselor thinks he is quite amazing too. As always, I think he's worth it but until he thinks the same of me...I just gotta figure out what I'm gonna do....

I have some homework to do and lots of reflection and I am looking forward to going back in 2 weeks. I realized I have no clue what brings me pleasure. I love my job, I love to volunteer but I can't think of much that I do that is just solely about me! Gotta work on that. I wish I woulda made the decision to go a lot sooner but I usually bounce back a lot easier than this. I've never been down this long. But I'm confident I'm on my way to a better place.

Yesterday wasn't the best day for me. Superman and I went from a conversation that I was absolutely loving to our usual fight. He said something that blew my mind and my world started to spin. I left work and climbed into bed. We talked later and things are as good as they are gonna be for the moment. I hate how things seem to spiral outta control so quickly when neither of us ever intends to hurt the other. I hate that things are like this and I have absolutely no control over the outcome. I'm scared and so very sad.

I got up this morning put on my game face and went to work. Shortly after I arrived a co-worker called and asked if I could pick her up from her home around the corner and take her to the med center for a doctors appointment. I went and picked her up and she shared with me some health challenges that she is facing. It was divine intervention. One of the non profits I work for can benefit her tremendously and it was like God sent me to her at that time. She really hadn't shared with anyone at work yet and she confided in me this morning and it was as if God know what she and I both needed! She gave me the best hug as she got out of the car and I was just so thankful that I could help. It made me feel really good. I needed that pick me up and that reminder that God is so very able this morning.