CityofCyn

Someone please tell me why it's 5:42 AM Sunday morning and I am wide awake and been awake for more than an hour. I generally wake up around 3 or 4, check my phone, take a potty break, talk to God and doze right back off. Today I woke up and was wide awake and after a few episodes of Family Matters I started craving sunflower seeds and now I'm sitting up in bed- laptop on, cracking seeds like it's the middle of the day. Thank God tomorrow is Sunday or I'd be one cranky witch at work.

I have a few things on my mind but I don't feel overly stressed, worried or anxious so I'm not sure why I am wide awake like this. I started packing and my room is cluttered and I HATE clutter but I don't think that is bugging me. I am actually quite relieved I finally started packing. Whatever the reason, I am up! I am sure stress and anxiety are contributing to my health issues even thought I don't outwardly feel stressed. I think I have a good handle on my stress but I might need to rethink my stance. There is a correlation between my heart condition and anxiety and I need to look into that a little further. One doesn't cause the other but there seems to be some major relation. I need to research anxiety a bit more.

I need to finish my post about the Ultimate Merger. That show was the best train wreck I have watched in a long time and the icing on the cake was the damn fine eye candy. The show, as are all of these damn dating shows, was stupid but I couldn't stop watching. And don't get me started on her spiritual advisor. Anyhoo, maybe since I am up I'll finish it.

I'd much rather be sleeping....

Today, I wore a pink and gray dress that I bought at Kohl's and pink flip flops. I will try to take a picture later. Nothing special. It took a lot of effort to get up at all and considering I have been in my PJ's since Sunday this is a major upgrade.

I need to really work on my wardrobe. I'd feel a lot prettier and upbeat if I actually liked the clothes in my closet.

I stole this from Nerdgirl. She stole this from Babs. Who stole it from Mzinspiredmind. It’s on. A month’s worth of posts and I don’t have to struggle to find a topic decide which of my exciting exploits to share! Whoo hoo.

I've been meaning to post and catch you all up on the fabulous going on's in CynCity but I've been either too busy or too tired so maybe this way you can get to know a bit more about the person behind CynCity.

Here are the topics:

Day 01 – Introduce yourself
Day 02 – Your first love
Day 03 – Your parents
Day 04 – What you ate today
Day 05 – Your definition of love
Day 06 – Your day
Day 07 – Your best friend
Day 08 – A moment
Day 09 – Your beliefs
Day 10 – What you wore today
Day 11 – Your siblings
Day 12 – What’s in your bag
Day 13 – This week
Day 14 – What you wore today
Day 15 – Your dreams
Day 16 – Your first kiss
Day 17 – Your favorite memory
Day 18 – Your favorite birthday
Day 19 – Something you regret
Day 20 – This month
Day 21 – Another moment
Day 22 – Something that upsets you
Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better
Day 24 – Something that makes you cry
Day 25 – A first
Day 26 – Your fears
Day 27 – Your favorite place
Day 28 – Something that you miss
Day 29 – Your aspirations
Day 30 – One last moment

I dream a lot. Full color vivid dreams and I wake up a mess. No matter how good the dream is I eventually end up sad because I have to go back to reality.

Sometimes Friday night/early Saturday morning I had this amazing dream. It was stunningly beautiful. I was at "home" surrounded by West Indian people. Don't know exactly where or why but I was meeting distant relatives for the first time and it was amazing. I was having so much fun; eating, talking and I felt so incredibly loved. I could feel the culture and breeze, hear the music, taste the food and I just felt like I was where I was always meant to be. My visit was going to end and I was already dreading leaving. There was a lull in the conversation and like I do in reality, whenever I have a quiet second to myself I think too much and get a bit sad. This woman in my dream recognized the sadness in my eyes and hugged me and we went for a walk in this gorgeous garden. We didn't talk much, she just held my hand and we walked. I woke up and realized that the woman in the dream was my Auntie Cecille. I woke up feeling so loved and cared for and so sad because I totally missed these people. I spent the weekend thinking about them from time to time and really wanting to go back. It was a beautiful dream; even now when I think about it the feelings all rush back. So bittersweet.

I walk around with more than enough emotions without carrying around emotions from my dreams as well; it drains me sometimes. It used to be that I'd dream and wake up and instantly forget or that I didn't dream every night and now it seems like even in my sleep my mind is working. Dreams about Superman really suck cause I wake up and he isn't there. At least with him, he does exist in real life.

My weekend was ok, kinda stressful. Superman was a bit stressed this weekend and as I talked to him the tears just fell. I was taken aback by how hurt I was by his stress. When he is down it definitely affects my mood and I always worry about him but this knocked the air out of me. I hate that I add to his load and that I wasn't there to comfort him. I had dozed off and shoulda just got up and went like I wanted too. I'm working through everything I feel and still trying to find what works best for me. Hopefully, peace will come soon.

I doodle his name and draw hearts! I suck. LOL! :)

Whew, this pretty little head of mine works overtime. While I feel surprisingly stress and carefree most times, the painful tension in my upper back and shoulders in telling a different story. I feel extremely blessed and I can clearly see the hand of God on my life but far more importantly I think I am beginning to really truly believe that it is there even when I can't see it.



My mommy decided to buy a house before she retires, she JUST got approval of her offer! Yippee, I am so happy for her. She can easily afford it in her retirement and it will be far cheaper than what she would pay for an apartment. She'll have no problem jetsetting back and forth to Barbados and paying her mortgage with ease. In fact she will be paying a little less than I what I pay in rent.

Why do I consistently get in my car, throw my arm over the passenger seat to see where I am going, take my foot of the gas and then get surprised when I don't move? I look down and the car is still in park. This happens EVERY day when I leave work. LOL! :)

I need to sit down somewhere and keep my mouth shut. My heart is completely overflowing! I wanna shout from rooftops and I see little hearts and flowers floating around my head. It feels fine and right for the moment but I know it isn't helping anything and I'm scared that when I crash- I'm gonna crash hard.

I need a roommate or a 2nd job. I don't know what I am gonna do when my lease is up. I'm considering a studio but those aren't that much cheaper really. I work hard and I should be able to have a decent apartment but cost of living is so high here. There are things I want, that are not needs necessarily but they are pretty basic and I have no means of getting them. God always makes a way so I trust that this will be no different.

I am lonely. I can deal with quiet time and I don't get scared at night that much but I'm just lonely. Superman and I talk all day every day but we haven't seen each other. I'm truly enjoying his friendship and I am so glad the arguing has stopped. I miss him and I miss his company though.

I am losing inches around my chest/back and my breasts hang/sit differently because of it. I will be in the market for all new bras but I don't know whether to buy a few now or just hold out until I reach a significant amount of weight loss.

-This week has been hectic. I have been working hard for the money over at the plantation. It's the end of the quarter so my weeks are hectic and then I have a huge Honors and Awards ceremony to finalize. I've got 36 students in DC today and getting them all checked into their hotels has been nothing but drama this morning. These same 36 students sent me the most gorgeous bouquet of flowers earlier this week! I love chaos.



-I don't want or need him to be everything to me. I know he isn't perfect and I love him as is. I just wanna love and support him. As much as I know he loves me, flaws and all- I want to be perfect in his eyes. Weird huh?

-My heart HURTS over some who really reached out for some much needed helped and kinda got slapped in the face. Not just by people but by the system as a whole. I need to really study up on this whole health care thing especially pre-existing conditions cause I just can't fathom turning away someone who NEEDS help.

-I have come to sort of some understanding about Superman. I won't quite call it indifference but...I guess it's acceptance. I love him, I want him to be my lovebug again but... Things that used to reduce me to tears and bother me to no end don't anymore. I spend a lot of time thinking of him and wanting to be a good support system but there is a lot less anxiety. I won't say I'm happy but I'm not quite sad either. I care a whole lot...I guess I'm just tired. I'm just here. I've been working on me and I guess it's working. My focus has been my health; physical, spiritual and emotional. I know with those in order the rest will fall into place. I will say that I crave intimacy. I don't need/want seks necessarily, just some strong arms around me occasionally. I miss that kinda comfort. Even with that, there is this just inner peace that I'd been missing for awhile. Hell, I'm pretty fcuking amazing and I need not ever forget that.

-A dear friend had a second miscarriage. I am so sad for her. She told me that in the next few years I should consider freezing my eggs just in case. She is a bit older and the doctors say there is nothing wrong with her or her hubby. She'd be an awesome mommy so I'm praying that she will have a healthy baby soon. On occasion I think about my age and having kids but I'm in absolutely no rush. I can't make things perfect but I want a baby under the most ideal circumstances and I have no intention of doing it alone. If my child bearing years pass me by then I'll make do with a puppy. I watch these poor girls on 16 and Pregnant and the fathers of these babies have ZERO interest in their kids. That is one situation I refuse to go through.

-There are more than 2.5 million people in the US that are OVER 550 lbs. WTF! How does that happen? There are people right here in this country and across the world who go days without a decent meal and 2.5 million people are eating their share of food and enough for 15 other people. One man I saw on the 1 Ton Man on TLC ate 30,000 calories a DAY? How do you do that? What could you possibly eat every day, especially when you are bed ridden that totals 30,000 calories?

-I've been doing my hair. It only took me 30 years to decide to take matters into my own hands and learn to maintain my hair. I'm not one who went to the shop religiously, in fact I rarely go, I just never learned to do my hair. I kept it short or after my surgery and having the front of my head shaved I started wearing wigs and hair pieces and that just kinda continued. I've washed it, blow dried and flat ironed all by myself. I even did a full roller set myself and it was a disaster. I've been switching up the styles and going to work feeling oh so pretty- I'm still not a pro and the thing I struggle with most is my pony tails but I am getting better day by day. I no longer fear washing my own hair cause I know I can now maintain it!

-I don't usually do self-help books and I am on hiatus from relationship advice but pieces of this article on Essence.com stuck out to me.
ESSENCE.com: How do women sabotage their relationships?
DR. MICHELLE CALLAHAN: My theory is that most women are mistyped. As a result of their dating and everyday life experiences, they have taken on a personality and dating type that doesn't reflect who they truly are, but reflects more of who they've allowed themselves to become as a result of their circumstances. They lose sight of their true personalities and see themselves through the world's lens, instead of through their own eyes as the women they were meant to be. When it comes to romance, in particular, women often take on dating habits and behaviors that are counterproductive and undermine the development of healthy and successful relationships. It's as if they forget who they really are and their insecurities dominate their thoughts and behaviors. As a result, instead of exuding confidence and success, they often act insecure and desperate (even if they don't realize it). They don't want to be stuck acting this way, but they don't know how to stop sabotaging their relationships and reclaim their happiness.

-I love that A Different World in syndication on TVONE. I love Dwayne and Whitley!

Cute as A Bunny Challenge
So I only lost 1.1 lbs last week and I'm trying not to be sad about it. I know my endurance is increasing and overall I feel better but I wanna see the scale dropping. As far as I can tell I might be up a pound or 2 this week and I am really not pleased about that. My official weigh in day is Sunday so we'll see how that goes. I know I haven't had breakfast every day this week and I haven't been quite as active but I've stuck pretty close to my diet.



Weekend
My weekend was a bit emotional but pretty chill. I attended a baby shower for my nephew-in-law against my better judgment after my sis reassured me that it was ok and that she really wanted me there. I battled rain, car issues and traffic to get there. She and my nephew were genuinely happy to see me and I was just as happy to see them. As I began to help decorate and setup my sis told me that my ex was on his way and he was not at all thrilled that I was there; some of the rest of the family wasn't either. I'm sure he was probably bringing his girl and I can understand his displeasure to an extent but a part of me thought it was silly. In any case, I neglected to stay and left before he arrived. I never got to see my nieces or mommy-in-law and I was quite sad about that. My sis almost cried when I told her I was leaving and she just kept saying "this isn't fair, it's not supposed to be like this." Lesson learned. My large dysfunctional family consists of plenty of current wives/girls/mother of children and the all of the ex's as well. I grew up and never once saw my mom fight with any of my dad's wives. Family is family to me. I'll just make time for my sis-in-law and her kids when the entire family isn't involved.

After the baby shower I went to my cousin's art show. Just about the entire family showed up which was really nice. I love being around my family. I spent plenty of time with my baby cousin Sloan curled up on my chest. We hung out at the cafe for about 3 hours or so and then I went for dinner and drinks with my uncle, cousin and brother. Watching the men in my family scope out women was quite hilarious and I had a great time. Despite all I had to do Saturday, Sunday was quiet and I felt kinda lonely.

Stuff...
As always my mind is working overtime. I have so much to think about and figure out and I don't know where to start. My mind is constantly going. I think I am sleeping. I know I fall asleep and I wake up off and on but I think I sleep but then I wake up so unrested. I fight with my alarm EVERY single morning. I'm sad off and on and of course I feel bad for being so hard on Superman. I replay over and over in my head all the great times, stress over the bad ones (esp. my part in them) and just generally think and care about his well being and what's going on his life. There are just so many things that are not ideal and I keep trying hard to fix them but nothing seems to be working. I'm trying hard to be patient and just let go but I'm not doing good job at it. I hate not being in control. I just wanna be happier far more often than I'm sad. I am blessed to be loved though and I hope to never lose sight of that again.

Cheating...
I think this whole Tiger Woods thing sucks. Cheating sucks. I feel most for his wife and kids. He has done irreparable damage to his marriage. Even if they work through it- I doubt he will ever fully make up for this or repair the hurt he has caused. I wish celebrities would realize that they live their lives under a microscope. However unfair, it is the way it is. They have so much to lose and yet they risk it for someone shady enough to cheat with a married man. If she is shady enough to cheat with you, she is shady enough to sell you out for money. I wish people wouldn't take the easy road and instead work hard to remain faithful. Random ass comes a dime a dozen but a loving committed relationship is hard to come by; when you have one you should do everything in your power to keep it. I know what it's like to be cheated on by the man who promised you forever, I also know what it's like for everyone around you to know- I truly feel for her. It's an all around shitty situation and I wish them the best.

Work...
I got the most amazing yearly evaluation today. I work hard and I expected it but I've had jobs where it all went unnoticed. I am still surprised to hear genuine gratitude and appreciation for the work I do. I am getting a bit of an increase which is a blessing, especially in this economy. I also have a boss who supports my endeavors to gain new skills and promote up. Today reminded me that hard work does eventually pay and it doesn't always go unnoticed.

I am also enjoying my volunteer work with the Breast Cancer Foundation. It gives me something to do with my free time and allows me to use my skills to help other people. It feels really good to give back just a bit. I am excited about the upcoming year and all the activities I get to help plan.

Feelings...
I had two separate discussions with two very special people about feelings and the ability to accept and be ok with however you are feeling at any given moment. For me, I have to deal with how I am feeling in order to work through it. I may be able to deny it for a bit, but eventually my true feelings come spilling out. I can't go to God and pray if I am lying about how I am feeling. I can't kneel and pretend everything is ok when it isn't because God knows how I feel anyway. For others though, it isn't quite that easy. I feel like God gave me an excellent opening to a conversation about getting help. It's hard to watch people you care about hurt. I have been praying so much and I finally felt a bit of relief. I just want to be helpful. I want to be a supporter and someone that can be counted on every step of the way- through the good times and the bad. I just hope that change and progress happens for everybody, myself included.

Life....
This week has been rough, really rough. My mind and heart have been overwhelmed and I haven't had much down time to really sort through it. Work has been busy and I just haven't been able to relax at home like I want. I haven't been sleeping well at all. All I've been able to do is pray. I'm still not sure what to do next so I'm just gonna be as patient as possible and try and listen for direction. I am thinking about going back to therapy. I think I need to talk things out with someone totally unrelated to me and my life and just figure out how best to deal with stress and hard times. It certainly can't hurt.

Family...
My granny is going blind from glaucoma and it really makes me feel bad. I am granny's favorite and it saddens me that she is scared to move around and that she spends so much time in bed or sitting in her room because she can't do much else. My granny saw me get married and she saw me get my degree but I am sad that she won't see me marry the man I really and truly love and that she will never get the chance to see my children. My mom has cataracts and has to have surgery as soon as her blood pressure is under control. My vision is already pretty terrible and it makes me scared to think that one day I may lose my sight. My cousin is being deployed to Afghanistan in just 2 weeks and though she will be out of harm's way it still sucks. The rest of my family is ok, drama as usual.

All in all, even though life is kinda tough right now I am feeling blessed and hopeful. The days aren't always easy but I haven't given up and I don't plan to. I may have to adjust and adapt as life calls for it but I am confident that I will be ok when all is said and done. I am hopeful that a blessing and healing is on its way, not just for me but for a lot of people around me.

I am once again thinking about starting my Macaroni and Cheese business; at least during the holiday season. I made the most heavenly Gorgonzola & Cheddar Mac N Cheese with garlic, mushrooms and chicken this weekend. It was heavenly!

Sunday evening I watched Pressure Cooker on BET! It's a documentary about culinary arts students learning to cook of course but also learning to believe in themselves through some tough love from a loving but blunt teacher. The students go on to compete for scholarships at a cooking contest. This documentary was nothing short of amazing and I cried quite a few times. Audiences of this year's Philadelphia Cinefest and around the world have lauded Pressure Cooker. It was named best documentary at the Cinefest. Among its other awards, the 99-minute Pressure Cooker got the Special Jury Prize at the 2008 Los Angeles Film Festival, the Audience Award at the 2008 Aspen Film Festival and the Audience Award at this year's Portland International Film Festival.

The MJ tribute on the VMA's was very nice. The dancers were fabulous and it was great to see Janet on stage in tribute to her brother. I can only imagine how bittersweet that moment must have been for her. Beyonce and Rhianna better watch out cause Janet is on the road to a comeback and with her big brother as her inspiration I can bet you she is gonna come back hard!!

Kanye through one of his signature hissy fits and was totally disrespectful in interrupting Talyor Swift mid-speech and insisting that Beyonce should have won. MTV should totally boycott him until he apologizes AND learns how to act.


I'm not sure if I am feeling Lady Gaga. She comes across as if she's trying way too hard to be different. I was a little taken aback by her death performance after a tribute to MJ and with his family sitting in the audience. This is her ending pose:

It just didn't seem appropriate to me.AT ALL.
Here is the entire performance.


I was very proud that I got just about everything on my To Do List taken care of. I got a much needed oil change and car wash! I have some other maintenance to do but who knows when I can afford that.

My weekend was very relaxing. I got to spend some quiet time with my Superman and I finally got to cook for him in my own place. That made my weekend. I am so very grateful that he is the man he is! I'm in awe of him on a daily basis! I loved every comfy moment of having nothing to do! It doesn't feel as bad when I'm in my own place. I'm not held captive in one room and I can go into the kitchen whenever I feel like it! Besides having to kill my own bugs I'm still loving my place.

I'm making a very conscious effort to limit my availability to people who take me for granted. Some friends have shown me their true colors recently and I need to take head and step back. I need to distance myself from quite a few folks and luckily its become easier since moving. I am not as willing to give away my peace of mind anymore. I've been truly surprised by some of the things people have said and expected of me lately. Time to trim the fat and only keep what I need in my life.

Starting on the 21st I will have a 12 day work week. I will work 5 days as usual, baby shower all day Saturday which is going to be a ton of work and then I have a work event on Sunday to finish organizing and attend and then it will be back to my usual 5 day work week. I am going to be exhausted but once all is said and done I will get to rest because I am not taking on any more extra duties.