CityofCyn

Whew- Brace yourself, this will be long.

G- (Same father, different mother). She is my eldest sister. I think she is by far the prettiest of my daddy's girls. She is super smart, sweet and is studying to be a chef. Because we share a father and he has been absent a lot, I haven't spent a lot of time with her. I remember shared weekends at dad's house but he lost touch with her for about 10 years and that of course meant we did too. I was away at school when her mom called me randomly inviting me to her birthday party. My sister K and I arrived early and the tear fest and hugs ensued. We have kept in touch ever since and see each other once a year or so but we communicate via email regularly. She was a bridesmaid in my wedding.

K- (Same father, same mother). K is my older sister and as I mentioned in the BFF post, one of my best friends. I think we are a lot alike except she has a temper. According to others we look just alike but she has gorgeous skin. She is smart, funny, outgoing and determined. Like all my father's girls she's a foodie and she can cook her butt off! She's a great mommy to 2 girls and 1 boy. K is a surgical technician and a GI tech with aspirations of owning her own business.

ME!!!!

A- (Same mother, different father). A is my little sister. She's a pretty girl with a bad attitude and we don't get along that well. I'd still to go to hell and back for her even though she isn't my favorite person. She said something very hurtful a few years ago and I have yet to get over it. A has a BA in Sociology and works in apartment management/housing compliance.

E- (Same mother, different father). E is my little brother. He's a pain in the butt but I love him dearly. He tries hard. He wants to be a good man and I think he will be just that. In my household he was the baby and the only boy and he acts like it. He is spoiled but seems to think he gets a raw deal. I am proud of what he has accomplished and can't wait to see what the future holds. He is a proud father to a one year old boy. E has one more class to complete his BA in Kinesiology and is a part time personal trainer and track coach.

R- (Same father, different mother). R is the baby brother my father adopted. I find it ironic that my father didn't want to raise the girls he had but he and my stepmother adopted a little boy. Being that he was my father's child I didn't see him much and don't know him that well. One day my father took us to his house for a surprise and SURPRISE- we had a 3 year old little brother. My little brother was in a troubled home prior to being adopted and has continued to get in trouble into early adulthood. I think he truly he is a sweet kid who wants to do right but... I can't begin to imagine what hurts he carries with him and my dad is not the most active father in the world. You can live with him but still not really have an involved father. R is father to both a boy and a girl.

G basically grew up an only child. My household consisted of mommy, me, K, A, and E. A & E have 2 brothers on their father's side. My step-mom has 2 children. Needless to say I have a huge extended family and it can be quite confusing to everyone. Family events are always fun because the currents and ex's, steps and friends that are like family are all there and it can be quite an adventure.

I'm not sure what exactly I am supposed to write, I assume maybe my most memorable moment?? I'm just gonna list a few moments that stand out in my mind.

-The moment I laid eyes on my nephew. I was with my sister as she had her C-section and was the first person besides the doctors to lay eyes on him. I also captured his very first pictures.

-4 days after I was married my ex donated his kidney to his cousin. I will never forget that moment in the waiting room when the call came from the OR that the ex was just fine in recovery and even though the surgery wasn't yet complete the kidney was functioning in his cousin. I truly saw the miracle of medicine and the hand of God upon the doctors. That is a day I will never forget.

-The day my grandfather died. I had just left his side after staying there all night and as soon as he had a few moments alone, he slipped away. He was under hospice care and so we called all the family before calling the funeral home and it basically all day before his body was picked up. I helped my aunt remove the pillow that had propped up his body and I kissed and touched him. I had never been that close to a dead body and I remember being so sad yet so happy he was no longer in pain. I am forever grateful for the time to process his death and be with him.

-Graduating. I graduated HS early and didn't opt to wait a year to walk across the stage. While my college graduations are now ruined by who I shared those moments with, I still take great pride in those moments. I wasn't a traditional student and I went to great distances to finally get my AA and then my BA. Hearing my name and crossing that stage is an indescribable feeling.

-This is going to sound extremely cliche- but EVERY.SINGLE.MOMENT with Superman. I have never known a love like this. Every single moment leaves me breathless and amazed that this gorgeous man of God loves me. Every moment feels like the first. Despite the ups and downs he makes sure I know that I am loved and though I know he struggles, I never doubt his love. Whether he is mine when all is said and done remains to be seen, but the moments we share in the here and now touch me to my heart and soul.

My BFF SL1 is pretty awesome. We met at junior college and after a little over week in Washington visiting our "boyfriends" we were inseparable and the rest is history. My BFF is pretty awesome. She's smart, silly, independent and totally gorgeous. Right after being my maid of honor she was deported to Canada. She had been here since elementary school but her parents had never gotten her citizenship. She had to apply again on her own at 18 and I guess they decided it was time for her to go. She and her younger sister had to move to Canada all by themselves for 5 years. They left all their family and friends for a virtually unknown place and distant relatives. Not surprisingly my BFF became stronger for her experience. She made the most of it, embarked on an amazing career and when she finally got approval to return, she came home. Now she is back here with me. Our relationship is different now but still one of my most cherished. She of course endured the journey of moving far away by herself and I endured infidelity and my divorce without her physical presence. What I love most about our relationship is that we are always honest and never judgmental. I tell her everything and we confide our deepest fears to each other. We don't have to talk every single day but when we need each other we are right there. She's my strength when I don't have any and she knows me even when I am hiding behind a smile. I am beyond blessed to have her.

My other BFF is my older sister. She's one of the few people who I let see me cry. I might not confide my hurts to her right away but I always end up telling her how I feel. She's a great big sister and though we've had some major fights we always end up friends again. I respect and admire her greatly; she never gives up. People think we look like twins and we are both cry babies. I think she genuinely sees past my superwoman facade and knows when I am hurting and tries her best to make sure that I know she loves me. She has one heck of a temper and I used to be scared to talk to her- but I've learned to just say it cause we always get past it.

My other BFF is SL2. Writing this blog is the first time I realized my 2 Indian BFF's have the same initials. LOL. SL2 is a sweetie. I swear she farts rainbows. She is my constant encourager and motivator and my biggest cheerleader. We met and clicked right away. She always has the time to listen to me and will call me 10 times a day just to check on me. She's a hopeless romantic like me and her mission in life is to help others.

Lastly my final BFF is my Superman. He is the first person I want to call whenever something good or bad happens to me. I love to hear the excitement in his voice when he's happy for me and his arms around me make me feel like I can get through the hardest times. I feel more comfortable talking to him than I have with any man ever. He's never judgmental and he's understanding. He listens and he can disagree with me without making me feel put down or stupid. We share a lot of our fears and hurts with one another and I feel like he truly gets me. I drive him crazy and he loves me anyway. He's a great guy and I am lucky to call him my friend.

Mommy Dearest
My mommy is my favorite girl. She has the amazing way of working every single nerve but I love her to death and wouldn't trade her for the world. She successfully raised 4 kids on her own and while we were poor, quite poor in fact, I never felt like I wanted for anything.

My mother grew up in Barbados and came to the US with my granny and her siblings while she was in high school. My grandfather had already come to the US to find a home for them. By the time I was born my daddy was on his way out leaving me, mommy and my older sister on our own. I became granny's baby because she moved in to help mom out with me.

My mom is a tiny little woman standing at about 5'1 and I take pride in being taller than her (I;m 5'3) since everyone is taller than me including my 13 year old niece. My mom is feisty, she holds one hell of a grudge and I laugh just like her. My mom is more sensitive than she lets on and she disguises it by being mad. She is the oldest of her siblings, my 2 aunts come next and my 2 uncles are the babies.

My mom is definitely both mother and friend. I can pretty much count on her for anything and she can and does count on me just as much. My mom loves her Bajan heritage, she's an accountant and she loves to design plans for housing. She retires this month and just purchased a beautiful 4 bedroom house that can afford comfortably in her retirement. I watched my mom struggle greatly with us but I also watched her continually promote at her job, go to school, and get her real estate license in the process. I've seen her scared but she still goes after what she wants. My mom is a great woman and I hope to be half the woman and mother she is, minus the grudges.

Dad
There isn't a lot I can say about my father. Umm, we share the same initials, he loves the Dallas Cowboys and he watches golf all day long. I didn't grow up with him really involved in my life. In the early years we spent a lot of weekends with him but that just consisted of us sitting on his couch breathing in his second-hand smoke and watching TV on his couch instead of ours. I also clearly recall being packed and anxiously waiting in the yard or by the window for a father who never showed up or called to explain his absence. Even still, when he did arrive hours late or the following weekend my sister and I welcomed him like the 2nd coming of Jesus.

My dad is from Texas and his father was killed in a car accident while my dad was in college. I'm not close with my fathers side of the family even though my sis and I spent an entire summer there when we were little. I haven't spoken to my grandmother or relatives on his side in years and if they don't pop up on Facebook I probably won't speak with them anytime soon. My father had a daughter prior to marrying my mom and I speak with her daily on Facebook and see her once a year or so. She was a bridesmaid in my wedding. I also have an adopted brother who has led a troubled life, he has started calling me regularly wanting to build a closer relationship. My dad has been married 4 times and I love my stepmom. She signed the birthday cards and child support checks (when they came) and tried to keep us close. I communicate with her on Facebook regularly. She has a lot of health issues and I hope to see her again before she passes.

I've always wanted to be closer to my dad and have expressed that numerous times but he doesn't care. I had both he and my mom walk me down the aisle on my wedding day cause I wanted to feel like daddy's girl just once. The check he gave me for this tuxedo rental bounced. We communicate on occasion via email and he has no clue when my birthday is or at least he doesn't acknowledge it. I've tried my best to accept him as he is but I'm still hurt by his complete detachment to us at times. I get some comfort in the fact that I have tried to keep the lines of communication open between us but I know I will always wish it had been different.

I've had the week from hell. I should be losing my mind and sometimes I feel like I am but I've held it halfway together. In the last 7 days I've dealt with or attempted to deal with:

- Another difficult talk with Superman. This time is it.
- A family emergency with my first born niece, my heart. My heart is broken for her.
- The death of a co-worker and his wife in a car accident, their daughter remains in ICU.
- Drama with my niece's father's family.
- Drama with my mom and siblings who live with her.
- My lil brother in jail with a DUI. My mom called me in a panic at midnight and my heart dropped. I thought for sure my granny passed away even though she isn't sick or anything.
- The death of yet another young Kappa. I didn't know him personally but know plenty of people who did. I've seen so many young people in my social circle pass and it's always so sad. Death is never easy, but when young people die it always seems so unfair.
- The death of a church member.
- One of my "little sisters" was pregnant. She lost her baby due to a placental abruption. His name way Jayden and he was laid to rest this week.
- I had a stomach bug all week and barely went to work. I couldn't keep anything down or in.

Needless to say I've had a bit of crappy week but I've handled it better than I would have expected. I've just been staying to myself as much as possible and suppressing the urge to kick more than a few folks in their damn throats. I've fallen on my knees in tears more than once and prayed over and over again.

I'll be in Seattle next weekend for work and I am looking forward to a comfy hotel suite with a jacuzzi tub. I'm gonna do so much relaxing and praying and maybe I'll luck up on a sexy Pharmacist to get my groove back with. Just jokes ya'll. The super one still holds my heart but I will be glad to put some distance between us even though we don't really see each other. What I will be doing is networking and making connections with pharmacy schools in case I really do decide to move to a new state.

I've come to some realizations this week and I've pushed myself and worked hard on my will power but there is so much more to learn and Lord, I am willing and ready. Lead me.

Hi guys!! I am still here. I have been so exhausted!!! I had a busy weekend and I am still trying to recover.

The LAKERS won yet again. I gave myself a migraine being so stressed and on pins and needles about the final game. Who knew I would be more than an occasional sports fan. I've always watched games if someone else was watching but now I actually turn them on when I am all alone and sit and yell at my TV. I'm ready for football season to start.

My co-worker that I mentioned had her double mastectomy. Believe it or not her hospital stay was only 24 hours and being that she was all alone I took her home with me. There was just no way I was sending her home alone with drains and wounds to tend to as well as a variety of meds around the clock. I couldn't believe that they would kick you out of the hospital that quickly after major surgery knowing you are all by yourself, the mental/emotional affects of that surgery alone should afford you another day or two in the hospital alone. My co-worker pretty slept except for eating and watching a bit of TV. I slept on the floor in my living room and got up every 4 hours to tend to her meds. I don't know how parents do (though I'm almost ready to find out) because I am still worn out. I got to sleep but having it broken up in chunks leaves you groggy and I am too old and beat up to be sleeping on the floor, my poor body can't take it. I took her home Monday, went to therapy and then went straight home and climbed into bed.

Sunday we had my nephews 1st birthday celebration as well as his baby blessing. It was very nice to have all of the family together and my lil brother was so overjoyed to have us all gather for Father's Day, his first with his 1 year old son. While I am sad that he and the mother of his child are not together, I can see his commitment to being a good father and I am proud of the man he is growing to be. Since I got to focus on my brother I didn't have much time to dwell on my lack of a father. My mind was on Superman though and how he was coping.

Therapy was good this week. It was tough and I went in feeling good but left in tears. They weren't necessarily bad tears though. I'm just tired and frustrated and sad. I'm making progress and keeping up with the mini goals I set for myself each time my therapist and I meet which is a good thing. I just have to keep doing what I need for myself and the rest will fall into place. That I know for sure, I just gotta quit being so anxious about it all. Superman is on the verge of setting his counseling appointment and that makes me very happy. Going through it all myself it can be a bit embarrassing and scary but I'm so glad I made the decision to go talk to someone cause it definitely helps.

Emotionally things are...things. Nothing really new to report. The last week or so seemed really tense but I think we both had so much going we weren't trying to burden each other. I was just trying to let him but I honestly don't know how not to communicate with him cause it doesn't come naturally at all. I know he needs space to work through things but we talk so much not doing so feels weird to us both. I think we've kinda fallen back into our comfortable little groove and that's fine by me. I feel a little more content and I just get this feeling that things will be ok eventually. Time will tell.

I made my dentist, dermatology and eye doctor appointments. So far I've seen the dentist and I see he derm on Monday. I was so not pleased with my dental appointment and for the first time in my life I have cavities. I'll be getting them filled in July, I hate the dentist so I pray it doesn't hurt. I gotta step up my flossing game and cut back on the Coke. The dentist shoved this magnifying mirror in my face to show me my teeth and seeing my face that up close and personal made me sad. I know it was greatly magnified but every pimple, scar and hair stood out and I hated it. All I could think was that this is what Superman sees when he's curled up next to me, he must be blind. I guess I should just be happy that he' still hanging around. I'm even more excited for my derm appointment cause I want to find something that works on this acne of mine.

All in all it's been a good week. I'm off tomorrow so I can mourn Michael Jackson and watch his videos all day. I'm pretty sure I'll see Superman this weekend and I am hoping it all goes well.

I should be thrilled to have a 3 day weekend but as with all my weekends lately, I dread it. It hasn't been horrible but at the back of my mind is always sadness and thoughts of Superman. My sis and I took my mom for drinks to celebrate her new house. It is all official and I am so proud of my mommy. We then went and hung out at my aunt's house. My other aunt, granny, cousins, and baby cousin Sloan were all there.



My cousins asked me to be godmother to Sloan and of course I said yes. I am thrilled. I LOVE Sloan. She is such a gorgeous and sweet baby. We could hear moving around on her baby monitor and I go to get her and she is sitting right up in bed, wide-eyed. She reached her little arms out to me to be picked up and when I did she clung to me so tightly, cuddled with me and rested her head in my neck. It was such a good feeling. She makes my ovaries twinge!! In addition to my hilariously cute nieces and nephews, I had my precious baby cousin to share my love with.


Superman's cell phone is broken and it has been hard not to be able to text and chat with him all day. I am sure it was a much needed break for us both. I chilled in bed ALL day except for running out to get some food. I didn't have the energy or desire to do anything, I just wanted to be with him. I can't be happy knowing things aren't right and yet I can't feel secure in walking away either. It just doesn't feel right. As much as I try to detach I haven't been able to. I haven't been able to stop loving him or even distract myself. By now I should be bored, fed up, trying to replace him, or at least be ready to say f*ck it and move on but I'm not. I'm just hopelessly in love. This man is everything; my friend, my love, my support, my laughs....more than I ever dreamed and more than enough for me. Until that changes, here I am. Luckily my counselor doesn't think I have to make a definitive decision just yet and she agrees that he is wonderful too, but she's right I have to be content with whatever I choose to do. I think I am choosing to stay and kinda live in limbo indefinitely but I have to be way more comfortable with that decision than I am. It's not that I doubt his love- I wonder if he will ever feel comfortable and happy enough to commit to being mine again. Even typing that takes my breath away. I don't want to love him in vain and I definitely don't want to keep loving him and watching him hurt. I want things to get better. It hurts and scares me that he doesn't see what I see, that he doesn't want what I want, that I can't fix this. I just want to heal his hurts and be enough to inspire him to live and love life, and to keep loving me.

Superman is worth it, I know that without a shadow of a doubt! I'm willing to hang in there....if that doesn't work then I'll have to just let it all go.

Mondays come around so quickly. I am smiling this morning and my day is off to a good start so for that I am grateful. First thing I did this AM was get up and pray. Didn't even get out of bed without thanking the Lord and asking for his grace.

My mother's day was actually very nice. I picked up granny and we headed to mom's for BBQ. I made my mom cry with the letter I wrote and that warmed my heart. I love that woman even though she drives me crazy. The rest of the fam arrived and we had a blast laughing and eating. I'm glad I made the effort to get out and enjoy myself.

Emotionally I'm dealing. Trying to take a step back and focus on me; gotta let go. Some moments are easier than others!

Goals for the Week: Catch up on the financial prosperity book, 3 workouts, laundry, journal everyday and get these tax forms sent.

Prior to 2009 me and my Uncle D were thick as thieves. He was my uncle, big brother, bestest friend, father figure, counselor and Pastor. I held a million positions at church so most of my free time was spent with him having meetings- you know how Presbyterians do! I wouldn't have made it through my Papa's death, family feuds or my divorce without him. I spent serious couch time with him talking things out. Outside of all that he was family. His wife is the woman I grew up wanting to be just like. I joined AKA cause of her.

Long story short after I decided I wasn't being spiritually fed at my church any longer I finished out my positions/terms and stopped attending the church. Naturally our interactions changed. We didn't see each other or speak as much and I was hurt and feeling a little abandoned. Every now and again he'd reach out but I still felt slighted and kinda ignored him. He in turn felt abandoned and like I didn't need him anymore.

I saw my Uncle D at my cousin's art show last month and we spoke briefly. He asked me what happened to our friendship and I told him. We promised to connect. So finally I picked up the phone and called him. It was SO nice to talk with him. He told me he missed me! We chit chatted, caught up, set a lunch date and before we hung up he told me he missed me again and that he loved me. I cried. I was on cloud 9 the entire way home.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and I get hurt easily despite what people intend and I sometimes make it worse by not expressing myself and getting to the heart of the matter. My communication with men has never been great; especially with those who have the power to hurt me. Lesson learned.

I have my Uncle D back and I am so happy. :)

Cute as A Bunny Challenge
So I only lost 1.1 lbs last week and I'm trying not to be sad about it. I know my endurance is increasing and overall I feel better but I wanna see the scale dropping. As far as I can tell I might be up a pound or 2 this week and I am really not pleased about that. My official weigh in day is Sunday so we'll see how that goes. I know I haven't had breakfast every day this week and I haven't been quite as active but I've stuck pretty close to my diet.



Weekend
My weekend was a bit emotional but pretty chill. I attended a baby shower for my nephew-in-law against my better judgment after my sis reassured me that it was ok and that she really wanted me there. I battled rain, car issues and traffic to get there. She and my nephew were genuinely happy to see me and I was just as happy to see them. As I began to help decorate and setup my sis told me that my ex was on his way and he was not at all thrilled that I was there; some of the rest of the family wasn't either. I'm sure he was probably bringing his girl and I can understand his displeasure to an extent but a part of me thought it was silly. In any case, I neglected to stay and left before he arrived. I never got to see my nieces or mommy-in-law and I was quite sad about that. My sis almost cried when I told her I was leaving and she just kept saying "this isn't fair, it's not supposed to be like this." Lesson learned. My large dysfunctional family consists of plenty of current wives/girls/mother of children and the all of the ex's as well. I grew up and never once saw my mom fight with any of my dad's wives. Family is family to me. I'll just make time for my sis-in-law and her kids when the entire family isn't involved.

After the baby shower I went to my cousin's art show. Just about the entire family showed up which was really nice. I love being around my family. I spent plenty of time with my baby cousin Sloan curled up on my chest. We hung out at the cafe for about 3 hours or so and then I went for dinner and drinks with my uncle, cousin and brother. Watching the men in my family scope out women was quite hilarious and I had a great time. Despite all I had to do Saturday, Sunday was quiet and I felt kinda lonely.

Stuff...
As always my mind is working overtime. I have so much to think about and figure out and I don't know where to start. My mind is constantly going. I think I am sleeping. I know I fall asleep and I wake up off and on but I think I sleep but then I wake up so unrested. I fight with my alarm EVERY single morning. I'm sad off and on and of course I feel bad for being so hard on Superman. I replay over and over in my head all the great times, stress over the bad ones (esp. my part in them) and just generally think and care about his well being and what's going on his life. There are just so many things that are not ideal and I keep trying hard to fix them but nothing seems to be working. I'm trying hard to be patient and just let go but I'm not doing good job at it. I hate not being in control. I just wanna be happier far more often than I'm sad. I am blessed to be loved though and I hope to never lose sight of that again.