CityofCyn

I need to play catch up- chest pains had me rushed to the ER for a series of tests (all inconclusive) and so I am a few days behind. I have a minor heart condition and I honestly believe I have a broken heart. I take everything to heart and my emotions and stress affect me physically.














My Beliefs
I believe in life, love and the pursuit of happiness.

I believe that Jesus died for my sins and through Him I have eternal life. I believe that through Him all things are possible. I believe in prayer, miracles and good old fashioned hard work. I also believe that everyone that tries their best to live a good life will go to heaven no matter what they call God. I believe that the other world's religions are just as right as I believe Christianity is right for me. I believe that all things come together for His good for those who love the Lord.

I believe in family, great friends, laughter, love, long kisses, bubble baths, dark chocolate, equality, free speech, boundaries, good books, music with words and beats so poignant they evoke memories and emotions, cute shoes, sparkles, chicken wings, salty snacks and moments that take your breath away! I believe crying is cleansing to the soul. I believe tears are words your heart can't express.

I believe that happiness is mine for the taking and I can have ANYTHING I want if I am willing to work for it. I believe I was gifted with everything inside me that I need to be totally fulfilled and it is up to me to make it happen.

I believe life has ups and downs. I believe in rewriting the game plan. I believe in starting over. I believe in second chances. I believe in tears and fears but being brave enough to keep going. I believe in change. I believe in counseling and crying on shoulders. I believe in asking for help and trying your best. I believe in life long learning. I believe that if you dream it- it can be yours. I believe in writing it down and making it happen. I believe in failing and falling down but getting right back up. I believe the heart breaks but can be healed. I believe in the expecting the best of people.

I believe in an everlasting love that makes a happy life that much better. I believe in compromise and making up. I believe in giving more than I take. I believe in giving as much as I want to receive. I believe that love is always worth it. I also believe that God doesn't let you give your whole heart or love to your full potential until a person loves you with the same intensity. I believe in butterflies.

I believe in giving back. I believe in doing all that I can to be a good person and using the talents I have been blessed with to leave this world a better place than it was when I entered it. I believe in helping others. I believe in getting ahead AND looking back to so that I can take someone along for the ride.

I believe I will be a great wife and mother one day. I believe I am an awesome daughter, sister, and friend. I believe I will live the life I see in my dreams and this depression won't be here forever. I believe in happily ever after.

I believe everyone of us has a far greater purpose than we realize.

So is it bad that I want to cuddle Superman again? I miss him! This week has been stressful for the both of us and we seem to be riding roller coasters at different times. When he's up, I'm down and vice versa. It makes me sad when he is sad and I want to switch into Superwoman mode. That man is my heart, I just want things to be ok!

I've been thinking long and hard about Superman I. Thinking about some things that were brought to my attention and I again find myself thinking I can live in limbo for this guy. What we share is so special no matter what we call it. He is SO worth it and I see him trying his best to get it together. The one thing I know is that I wanna be there to support him no matter what. My mind is always in circles over it and my tummy stays in knots. I think I've done well this week in not beating him over the head with things and just letting things be, I hope that helps some.

My devotional the other night was Myth: If I Pray About my Problem it Will Go Away. I am so guilty of thinking that because I prayed (and prayed and prayed) my problem should be wiped away. I hate to think that God's answer is NO or WAIT, especially when I want something so badly. I think my answer right now is WAIT but I'm not 100% sure. It could also be NO and that would break me. The blessing is that even with no and wait as answers God turns everything around for our good. That I know for sure.

Today has been full of deep thought, journaling, prayer, meditation and even a few tears. I can't say that my mind isn't still spinning but I feel a bit more calm. In this moment, my heart is settled.

Psalms 23
The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul:
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name' sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: For thou art with me;
Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies;
Thou annointest my head with oil; My cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever.

You are who you are for a reason.
You're part of an intricate plan.
You're a precious and perfect unique design,
Called God's special woman or man.

You look like you look for a reason.
Our God made no mistake.
He knit you together within the womb,
You're just what he wanted to make.

The parents you had were the one he chose,
And no matter how you may feel,
They were custom-designed with God's plan in mind.
And they bear the Master's seal.

No, the trauma you faced was not easy.
And God wept that it hurt you so;
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into his likeness you'd grow.

You are who you are for a reason,
You've been formed by the Master's rod.
You are who you are, beloved,
Because there is a God.

by Russell Kelfer

So, I'm over being pissed at the IRS and I'm just gonna do what I gotta do and pay the man. Superman keeps me levelheaded when I just wanna crawl under a rock and give up. The Purpose Driven Life has me doing SO much thinking. I fell behind a few days and played catch up so there a lot of different thoughts swirling in my head at the moment.

The idea I'm gonna focus on for the moment is that God wants us to be happy and as long as we do EVERY.SINGLE.THING. to the glory and for the worship of God, we are walking in his purpose. God wants us to be happy, he wants us to have the desire of our hearts. He wants us to be in great relationships, he wants us to enjoy our jobs, have comfy homes that we love and he wants us to travel and enjoy life as long as we keep God at the forefront of our hearts and minds.

I struggle with feeling like I have to sacrifice in order to do what God wants of me. I have huge dreams but sometimes I feel badly for really wanting more when my needs are more than taken care of. God created us to have full loving lives and we do him a disservice by giving up and accepting whatever life throws at us. There is nothing wrong with wanting a nice life, the problem comes when we become slaves to anything in life except God. My life is to be my ministry of the amazing things good can do! We can worship God on a daily basis by doing our daily tasks with our whole heart and for the betterment of our loved ones!!

I read a lot of blogs during the day and without realizing it, their lives are testimonies. I read one where the writer is a stay at home wife and she takes amazing care of her husband as he takes amazing care of her. There marriage is not perfect but I think its am amazing example of two people completely and unconditionally in love. IMO, they are what God intended when he created marriage; two people willing to go the distance for each other even when it isn't always easy. Another blog is a single mother raising the most intelligent little boy. She loves and wants so much for her son that its a reminder that motherhood is a gift that should be cherished. That's what life is about. It's not about the "things" but about the moments, people and experiences that define us.

I am striving for a full happy life. I want it, I need it and I am claiming it. Just gotta get past the hangups, fears and stuff that holds me back from operating at my full potential.

I've heard that when you give cheerfully and without thinking, the Lord provides for you. Recently, I had put aside $100 for my car registration, I still needed a $150 more but I knew I'd do my usual bill juggling act and make it happen. It was amazing that I had any amount saved but for once I did. A situation arose where someone needed money and I was so grateful that I had it to give. Without thinking of what I had it ear marked for, I gave it to them. Not just cause I love them but because there was a need. Simple. I'd do it again in a heartbeat too. I figured I'd figure something out later, maybe my tax money (if I get a refund this year) would come in time. In any case, I came in to work after a great weekend and was handed a check that I had not expected. My car will be registered on time with no worries for the first time in a few years!

The Lord always provides! It's a reminder that if we operate in the belief that the Lord always covers us, we can step out on Faith and walk away from our comfort zones cause God is always gonna be there. I needed the reminder!

I joined a group following the Purpose Driven Life and decided to give this book one more try. Each days readings are only a few short pages and then there are questions to think about. My mind is all over the place but I think I can reel it in enough to spend a few minutes on this each day. I've read the first 2 days and spent time pondering the questions and so far I am enjoying it. It is already holding my attention more than the last time I attempted this book. Maybe because I need direction way more than I did back then. Whatever the case, I am grateful for the experience.

Day 2's topic was about our lives not being accidental. God thought of us and purposed us long before we came to be. Everything about is some part of our destiny, even the not so great things. Our personality was formed long before we were conceived and every part of it has a purpose. I found the emphasis on the things like our character and personality kinda intriguing because I've been really down on myself for being so emotional and so sensitive. I know that when it comes to assisting and being there for other people, my ability to relate and empathize is what makes me, me. But when it comes to matters of MY heart and MY personal relationships, I find it just opens my heart to hurt. I need to quit trying to find ways to reign it all in and just be. There are other portions of me, my childhood and lack of a father that I struggle with that from time to time that I need to accept. When I'm having good days I recognize that all my struggles make me who I am and on bad days I wonder what if things had been different. My struggles are a walk in the park compared to so many others though and then I feel guilty for even wanting mine to be different.

Day 2 was a good reminder that our steps are ordered. God has our lives planned out and even when we take ourselves off the main road, all roads lead back to his magnificent plans for our lives. Even the stumbling blocks and detours cannot take us away from that, as long as we keep striving to reach it.

Point to Ponder: I am not an accident.

Verse to Remember: I am your Creator. You were in my care even before you were born. Isaiah 44:2

Question to Consider: I know that God uniquely created me. What areas of my personality, background, and physical appearance am I struggling to accept?

I may not always act like it, but I hear you. Even more than that, I am listening.

I picked up my bible last night after having a convo with Superman about the Song of Solomon and Ecclesiastes. I read both books through and then went back and read the devotionals that go with the scripture in my Women's Study Bible. The words practically jumped off the page and smacked me in my face. The exact words I needed to see and read. The words that had been in my heart though mine were not nearly as eloquent.

Superman and I had been talking earlier and I called with a purpose in mind. As soon as I heard his voice I forgot all I wanted to say and rather than end up in another confusing pointless conversation, I held my tongue. We talked about everything under the sun and had a great talk. I wanted to say that I hear you. That I truly understand what you need from me. I'm just so scared. But I don't want to be scared anymore. Whatever you need from me- is yours. I will always be in your corner, that will never change!



My Lover, My Friend
by Gladis and Gordon DePree

In knowing and loving you
Deeply
I have become a part of the ground-spring
of love
Which is God.

Sometimes I realize
I have looked at you so often
I hardly see you.
You are more a feeling than a face,
A feeling of what you mean to me,
What you share with me,
What you do for me,
But I must remember you have your
own face,
Are your own person.

And to that person I owe
All the gentleness and respect and sense
of wonder
I owe God.
For you are God come closer to me
Than in any other face.

On this day, God wants you to know...... that all is well. What could you not accept, if you but knew that everything that happens, all events, past, present, and to come, are gently planned by One Whose only purpose is your good?

... that nothing is exciting if you know what the outcome is going to be. You keep wanting to know how things will play out, keep asking to see the future. God doesn't give anyone the power to know the future, because life becomes maddeningly boring when you know everything upfront. So, instead of struggling, enjoy the uncertainty - to be alive means to not know.