03 Feb
Thinking of a Master Plan
As always a lot is going on in this pretty little head of mine. I'm working on my action plan bit by bit. It's so hard to see everything you want and not quite know how to get to it. It's like looking through a huge picture window but slowly I'm building the strength to shatter that glass and grab what I want.
It's hard to admit that I don't have all the answers and despite how hard I try, how deeply I love and how badly I want it, somethings are outta my control. There are things that make me feel like a failure and I have to get past them. But every day is a new opportunity to give it my best shot and I am so grateful for God's mercy.
I know I have the tendency to procrastinate and take on way too much so I am starting slow. I sent a few emails today to try and straighten out this school thing and that was my focus. Tomorrow I have one health goal and one personal goal. I'm gonna eat breakfast and research doctors so I can make an appointment with a nutritionist and personally I am going to do my Purpose Driven Life reading and some writing. Each day I'll have a goal to meet and I'll celebrate each little victory. Little by little life will fall into place.
I know that so many things are tied to a cycle of depression in my life. This school thing, the divorce, the garnishment, my credit, my weight, acne, hair and everything all contributes. When I tell myself I wanna shake it all off and enjoy life I realize I can't afford to go out and do anything. Couple that with the fact that I look in the closet and I don't have anything to wear, I hate my weight and I can't afford to keep my hair appointments; it just ends up easier to stay in bed and be sad. Some of that stuff is superficial but it still impacts me. Every time I start to feel the pressure lifting something else happens like owing taxes AGAIN. In addition to working on the mental/emotional me I am working hard on the physical me. Stress and birth control have taken it's toll on me over the years and I am still shocked at how drastically different I am from the 110lb gorgeous carefree girl I used to be.
Like I'm committed to sticking to my budget, I am committed to improving all aspects of my life and I am committed to refocusing on being an awesome friend and support. The days are still difficult and I'm still sad but I'm gonna do the possible and let God handle the impossible.
I haven’t read through your archives so I don’t know all that’s going on with you - but please know that I read you regularly and I’m praying for you.
Life is crazy, we just have to take it one day at a time.
February 4th, 2010 at 10:59 amI have been reading your blog but haven’t commented, but I just want to say that I have been where you are. I dated a man for 5 years, from ages 22-27, and loved him more than life itself. I’m 42 now. When I look back on that time period and oh! the changes I went through and all the emotional turmoil! It’s hard to believe.
But, it’s part of life. And unfortunately, it’s a common experience that many women, in particular many black women, share. (So ironically, that which was so painful to me also helped to make me feel rooted and connected to my own people).
That whole experience, that whole time, and especially how God brought me out of it became my testimony. When the preacher would start talking about “and God brought me a mighty long way,” that *whole relationship* (and how devastated I was, and how caught up I was) would be what *I* would be thinking about when the tears would flow down my cheeks. The other women had their own testimonies, that was mine.
So, I understand the pain and the confusion of where you are. My message to you is to use the energy that you have poured into grief and turn that into positive energy for yourself.
When I could see that my relationship wasn’t going to work, I finally (after much time spent grieving and being depressed) decided I’d had enough. Those grad school applications I’d been putting off? I finally ordered them, spent evenings after work filing them out and writing my essays and by the time we broke up for good, I was a 1st year in a JD/MBA program at Berkeley. To be honest, I didn’t really feel vindicated, though, until my graduation 4 years later. I was finally truly over him, looking good, and had finally grown into the person I knew I always was and could be.
You can do that, too. I sense the drive in you to do it through some of the things you talked about in this post. You are a child of God and He has a purpose for you, a blessed life for you, beyond Superman. I pray that you find the strength to get there. God bless!
February 4th, 2010 at 4:33 pm