CityofCyn

Whew- Brace yourself, this will be long.

G- (Same father, different mother). She is my eldest sister. I think she is by far the prettiest of my daddy's girls. She is super smart, sweet and is studying to be a chef. Because we share a father and he has been absent a lot, I haven't spent a lot of time with her. I remember shared weekends at dad's house but he lost touch with her for about 10 years and that of course meant we did too. I was away at school when her mom called me randomly inviting me to her birthday party. My sister K and I arrived early and the tear fest and hugs ensued. We have kept in touch ever since and see each other once a year or so but we communicate via email regularly. She was a bridesmaid in my wedding.

K- (Same father, same mother). K is my older sister and as I mentioned in the BFF post, one of my best friends. I think we are a lot alike except she has a temper. According to others we look just alike but she has gorgeous skin. She is smart, funny, outgoing and determined. Like all my father's girls she's a foodie and she can cook her butt off! She's a great mommy to 2 girls and 1 boy. K is a surgical technician and a GI tech with aspirations of owning her own business.

ME!!!!

A- (Same mother, different father). A is my little sister. She's a pretty girl with a bad attitude and we don't get along that well. I'd still to go to hell and back for her even though she isn't my favorite person. She said something very hurtful a few years ago and I have yet to get over it. A has a BA in Sociology and works in apartment management/housing compliance.

E- (Same mother, different father). E is my little brother. He's a pain in the butt but I love him dearly. He tries hard. He wants to be a good man and I think he will be just that. In my household he was the baby and the only boy and he acts like it. He is spoiled but seems to think he gets a raw deal. I am proud of what he has accomplished and can't wait to see what the future holds. He is a proud father to a one year old boy. E has one more class to complete his BA in Kinesiology and is a part time personal trainer and track coach.

R- (Same father, different mother). R is the baby brother my father adopted. I find it ironic that my father didn't want to raise the girls he had but he and my stepmother adopted a little boy. Being that he was my father's child I didn't see him much and don't know him that well. One day my father took us to his house for a surprise and SURPRISE- we had a 3 year old little brother. My little brother was in a troubled home prior to being adopted and has continued to get in trouble into early adulthood. I think he truly he is a sweet kid who wants to do right but... I can't begin to imagine what hurts he carries with him and my dad is not the most active father in the world. You can live with him but still not really have an involved father. R is father to both a boy and a girl.

G basically grew up an only child. My household consisted of mommy, me, K, A, and E. A & E have 2 brothers on their father's side. My step-mom has 2 children. Needless to say I have a huge extended family and it can be quite confusing to everyone. Family events are always fun because the currents and ex's, steps and friends that are like family are all there and it can be quite an adventure.

Today, I wore a pink and gray dress that I bought at Kohl's and pink flip flops. I will try to take a picture later. Nothing special. It took a lot of effort to get up at all and considering I have been in my PJ's since Sunday this is a major upgrade.

I need to really work on my wardrobe. I'd feel a lot prettier and upbeat if I actually liked the clothes in my closet.

I need to play catch up- chest pains had me rushed to the ER for a series of tests (all inconclusive) and so I am a few days behind. I have a minor heart condition and I honestly believe I have a broken heart. I take everything to heart and my emotions and stress affect me physically.














My Beliefs
I believe in life, love and the pursuit of happiness.

I believe that Jesus died for my sins and through Him I have eternal life. I believe that through Him all things are possible. I believe in prayer, miracles and good old fashioned hard work. I also believe that everyone that tries their best to live a good life will go to heaven no matter what they call God. I believe that the other world's religions are just as right as I believe Christianity is right for me. I believe that all things come together for His good for those who love the Lord.

I believe in family, great friends, laughter, love, long kisses, bubble baths, dark chocolate, equality, free speech, boundaries, good books, music with words and beats so poignant they evoke memories and emotions, cute shoes, sparkles, chicken wings, salty snacks and moments that take your breath away! I believe crying is cleansing to the soul. I believe tears are words your heart can't express.

I believe that happiness is mine for the taking and I can have ANYTHING I want if I am willing to work for it. I believe I was gifted with everything inside me that I need to be totally fulfilled and it is up to me to make it happen.

I believe life has ups and downs. I believe in rewriting the game plan. I believe in starting over. I believe in second chances. I believe in tears and fears but being brave enough to keep going. I believe in change. I believe in counseling and crying on shoulders. I believe in asking for help and trying your best. I believe in life long learning. I believe that if you dream it- it can be yours. I believe in writing it down and making it happen. I believe in failing and falling down but getting right back up. I believe the heart breaks but can be healed. I believe in the expecting the best of people.

I believe in an everlasting love that makes a happy life that much better. I believe in compromise and making up. I believe in giving more than I take. I believe in giving as much as I want to receive. I believe that love is always worth it. I also believe that God doesn't let you give your whole heart or love to your full potential until a person loves you with the same intensity. I believe in butterflies.

I believe in giving back. I believe in doing all that I can to be a good person and using the talents I have been blessed with to leave this world a better place than it was when I entered it. I believe in helping others. I believe in getting ahead AND looking back to so that I can take someone along for the ride.

I believe I will be a great wife and mother one day. I believe I am an awesome daughter, sister, and friend. I believe I will live the life I see in my dreams and this depression won't be here forever. I believe in happily ever after.

I believe everyone of us has a far greater purpose than we realize.

I'm not sure what exactly I am supposed to write, I assume maybe my most memorable moment?? I'm just gonna list a few moments that stand out in my mind.

-The moment I laid eyes on my nephew. I was with my sister as she had her C-section and was the first person besides the doctors to lay eyes on him. I also captured his very first pictures.

-4 days after I was married my ex donated his kidney to his cousin. I will never forget that moment in the waiting room when the call came from the OR that the ex was just fine in recovery and even though the surgery wasn't yet complete the kidney was functioning in his cousin. I truly saw the miracle of medicine and the hand of God upon the doctors. That is a day I will never forget.

-The day my grandfather died. I had just left his side after staying there all night and as soon as he had a few moments alone, he slipped away. He was under hospice care and so we called all the family before calling the funeral home and it basically all day before his body was picked up. I helped my aunt remove the pillow that had propped up his body and I kissed and touched him. I had never been that close to a dead body and I remember being so sad yet so happy he was no longer in pain. I am forever grateful for the time to process his death and be with him.

-Graduating. I graduated HS early and didn't opt to wait a year to walk across the stage. While my college graduations are now ruined by who I shared those moments with, I still take great pride in those moments. I wasn't a traditional student and I went to great distances to finally get my AA and then my BA. Hearing my name and crossing that stage is an indescribable feeling.

-This is going to sound extremely cliche- but EVERY.SINGLE.MOMENT with Superman. I have never known a love like this. Every single moment leaves me breathless and amazed that this gorgeous man of God loves me. Every moment feels like the first. Despite the ups and downs he makes sure I know that I am loved and though I know he struggles, I never doubt his love. Whether he is mine when all is said and done remains to be seen, but the moments we share in the here and now touch me to my heart and soul.

My BFF SL1 is pretty awesome. We met at junior college and after a little over week in Washington visiting our "boyfriends" we were inseparable and the rest is history. My BFF is pretty awesome. She's smart, silly, independent and totally gorgeous. Right after being my maid of honor she was deported to Canada. She had been here since elementary school but her parents had never gotten her citizenship. She had to apply again on her own at 18 and I guess they decided it was time for her to go. She and her younger sister had to move to Canada all by themselves for 5 years. They left all their family and friends for a virtually unknown place and distant relatives. Not surprisingly my BFF became stronger for her experience. She made the most of it, embarked on an amazing career and when she finally got approval to return, she came home. Now she is back here with me. Our relationship is different now but still one of my most cherished. She of course endured the journey of moving far away by herself and I endured infidelity and my divorce without her physical presence. What I love most about our relationship is that we are always honest and never judgmental. I tell her everything and we confide our deepest fears to each other. We don't have to talk every single day but when we need each other we are right there. She's my strength when I don't have any and she knows me even when I am hiding behind a smile. I am beyond blessed to have her.

My other BFF is my older sister. She's one of the few people who I let see me cry. I might not confide my hurts to her right away but I always end up telling her how I feel. She's a great big sister and though we've had some major fights we always end up friends again. I respect and admire her greatly; she never gives up. People think we look like twins and we are both cry babies. I think she genuinely sees past my superwoman facade and knows when I am hurting and tries her best to make sure that I know she loves me. She has one heck of a temper and I used to be scared to talk to her- but I've learned to just say it cause we always get past it.

My other BFF is SL2. Writing this blog is the first time I realized my 2 Indian BFF's have the same initials. LOL. SL2 is a sweetie. I swear she farts rainbows. She is my constant encourager and motivator and my biggest cheerleader. We met and clicked right away. She always has the time to listen to me and will call me 10 times a day just to check on me. She's a hopeless romantic like me and her mission in life is to help others.

Lastly my final BFF is my Superman. He is the first person I want to call whenever something good or bad happens to me. I love to hear the excitement in his voice when he's happy for me and his arms around me make me feel like I can get through the hardest times. I feel more comfortable talking to him than I have with any man ever. He's never judgmental and he's understanding. He listens and he can disagree with me without making me feel put down or stupid. We share a lot of our fears and hurts with one another and I feel like he truly gets me. I drive him crazy and he loves me anyway. He's a great guy and I am lucky to call him my friend.

My day has been pretty uneventful. I was off today so I slept in and lounged in bed until mid-day. I have a very minor heart condition and it has been acting up the last few days. I've been suffering with chest pains, high pulse and inability to catch my breath. That continued into today. I got up and showered and was so exhausted I had to hurry and wash the important parts and sit by my butt down. It's weird to be exhausted just sitting on the couch but I am often am.

I ran to the grocery store, bank and to my apartment's front office to turn my 30 day notice in and parked my butt right back on the couch. I caught up on some episodes of The Ultimate Merger on my DVR. LAWD HAVE MERCY. There are some cuties on that show. Now, I'm sitting on the couch again after straightening up my room and bathroom and my chest is killing me. I'm considering a visit to urgent care if it doesn't lighten up but they don't generally do much for me.

I am planning on doing the same thing tomorrow- sitting on my couch watching TV until I feel better or go back to work Monday whichever comes first.

I love this man!!!

Cynthia --

I want to thank you for signing my birthday card.

Michelle told me that she was planning something a little different this year, and I was overwhelmed by the kind words I received from so many supporters like you.

This job has a way of offering humbling moments. And the support you have shown me, time and time again, has sustained me through any number of difficult days. It is more than any president deserves, and I could not be more grateful.

On my birthday, I spent some time considering what the year ahead will bring -- a new set of challenges and opportunities, some that we can foresee and some that we cannot.

If we continue to stand together, I know we will continue to move America forward and win these fights for change.

Thank you again for taking a moment to sign my card. As far as birthdays go, it is hard to imagine topping this one. But then again, Michelle always has a way of surprising me.

Sincerely,

Barack

I've become a pro at putting a smile on my face even when my heart is broken inside. I can choke back tears and explain the sudden welling of tears in my eyes as an eyelash irritating me. I can put on big bright earrings and pink lipstick in an effort to be sure that no one looks close enough to see how completely broken I feel. Day after day I put on this facade and come and do my job, better than most I work with, and I even amaze myself sometimes. I'm crying inside. Dying to climb into bed and pull the covers over me. But instead I keep on putting on my big girl panties and trying to make each day different than the one before. Anxiously waiting on the day when my smile isn't just a mask set over dead and sad eyes.

Depression sucks...

Being such a hopeless romantic I thought defining love would be easy but it's not. It's always been hard for me to explain why I love a person, I just know it's a feeling that words simply don't do justice. Love in my opinion, is the desire to endure life's ups, downs, happiness, sadness, fights, stresses, joys, tears, laughter, change and growth with a person who you can't imagine life without. That person could be your S/O, spouse, child, pet...whomever. There is a person I love that completely. It is far from easy and I know that it won't be all roses, butterflies and sunshine but there is no other person I'd rather ride the roller-coaster of life with. Even when I'm mad, I want to quickly fix it and I still want to be near him. That's a first for me cause I come from a long line of grudge holders. Whether I am happy or sad, I want to run to him. He makes my world ok. When his arms are around me- nothing else matters. And when he's sad or stressing the cape comes on and Superwoman kicks in. I would gladly live my entire life putting a smile on his face cause he does the same for me. Sadly, so far this love is not meant to be and I'm as ok with that as I can be. Maybe we will pull it together and live happily ever after but if not- the love that is truly destined to be will be even better and that's a love I cannot yet fathom.

I guess I'll take a moment to play catch up since I started the 30 Day Blog Challenge a day behind everyone else. I'm going through a sad period and keeping a smile on my face is a hard thing but I'm determined to get through it. I'm still amazed that my feelings haven't changed and in fact grown but if there is one thing I know from experience it's that I can't control anyone else's actions but my own.

What I Ate Today
I have notoriously bad eating habits. I've never had a big appetite. I eat like a bird and rarely finish anything, my mom loved when I lived with her because there was always leftovers and take out boxes in the fridge which she gladly packed for lunch. Somewhere after 2 years on the Depo Provera shot and my mid-20's my metabolism completely died and I went from 98 lbs soaking wet with bricks in my pockets to 215 at my heaviest in just over 7 years. Now my teeny weeny appetite doesn't help cause my body saves every single thing and stores it for energy cause it never knows when I am going to eat next. Couple that with the fact that I live alone and don't cook so I find myself in the drive thru for most meals and you have a woman with atrocious eating habits and a horrible diet.

Anyhow, I was sad last night so I came in from work and didn't eat. This morning on my way into work I stopped and grabbed donuts for the office. I ate one chocolate cake donut and a bottle of apple juice. I got busy and distracted at work and before I knew it was 2 oclock. I walked to the cafeteria and grabbed a salad with mixed greens, black olives, beets, garbanzo beans, egg yolks, and cheese and topped it with cilantro dressing. I also had a snack bag of sour cream and onion chips. Dr. M shared an apple with me around 5 pm. On my way home I stopped in the drive thru at JackNBox and got a 3 piece egg roll at about 6 pm. I'm sitting on the couch watching TV and I won't eat again before bed. So while I probably didn't eat horribly today, I coulda done much better.

Eating is hard for me. I eat with my eyes and then I don't touch or barely pick at my food. Even if I get a burger combo meal at the drive thru I rarely eat a full burger and only if I'm really craving salt do I finish my fries. My biggest struggle with losing weight is my inability to eat. I need to eat multiple times a day but I just can't do it. If I attempt to eat before I'm ready I literally get nauseous. Even when I workout and I am active my appetite doesn't increase. So that's what I ate today and my struggle with food...