CityofCyn

Friday was super duper emotional for me. I woke up very happy and in a good mood. Thursday night I had a good chat with Superman, we prayed and I feel asleep at peace and in love. I curled up with my teddy bear and Superman in my heart. It's funny- it's never been the gifts or nice dinners, I love him best when he is simply being him. When he's happy, calm and his adorable self my heart swells. I love him so deeply and a part of me always will. I walked into work ready to face the day.

As I got to my desk my co-worker walked in teary eyed. As I hugged her I could hear her sniffling and I told her to just cry if she needed to. She told me it was the one year anniversary of her mother's death and she wailed. Loud anguished sobs from deep down inside her broken heart. Sobs that echoed through the halls in our building and I just held her as tears welled up in my own eyes. Not only was she trying to deal with mourning her mom, in less than a week she would be in the hospital facing a double mastectomy. I felt so sad for all that she was going through. Suddenly, I needed Superman, I wanted to be held and I wanted to hold him. I couldn't help but that think that twice in his life he had felt that gut wrenching deep to the soul pain of losing a parent. I wanted to kiss him and erase every pain he had ever felt. I was overwhelmed. My problems and hurts seems so insignificant and for a second I felt badly for even being sad lately. I ended up feeling a torent of emotions. I was amazed at how God works. I was so grateful for the opportunity to be there to comfort her and to be a blessing in her time of need. It ministered to my heart. I'm usually a quiet praiser, the kinda person that sits in church and just lets the tears fall, but I wad feeling a lot and if I was home or somewhere alone I probably would have shouted.

After work my co-worker and I grabbed lunch and we just talked. Before I knew it we had been talking for more than 3 hours. She confided a lot of her hurts in me and I just listened. For some reason she has let me into her life and I had the knowledge and resources to help her through this journey. She told me she buried her mother all ALONE. She literally stood at the graveside all by herself with no one around but a mortuary worker as her mother was committed to the earth. I knew her mother was sick, I knew she passed but I never for a moment thought she was going through it all alone. It made me wonder what my co-workers go through daily that I have no idea about. I promised to go visit my co-worker in the hospital and take her to follow up appointments and since she is so private and used to being alone I volunteered to coordinate the other co-workers who might want to drop off gifts and food.

I don't know what God's plan is but this is the 2nd time I've walked a breast cancer journey with someone who for the most part was alone. My homegirl had plenty of friends and family but she lived in California while they all lived in the south. In between her visits from her mom and granny she had to battle by herself and I did what I could. I know my gift is that I am a nurturer and a caregiver but I get the distinct feeling that I am being led in a specific direction; maybe this is why I was led to the breast cancer foundation in the first place. Time will tell. I certainly enjoy helping and I'm grateful for the opportunity but it can be draining and fulfilling all at the same time.

I selfishly told Superman that I wanted to spend time with him even though we just spent a lot of time together last week. I shoulda left it alone after he said he wasn't sure but that he was thinking of relaxing at home. I usually try to adjust to what he needs but hell, if I don't ask I won't know. I know it stressed him cause he feels bad about not giving me what I want. That wasn't my intent though, my intent is never to stress him but it keeps happening. It wasn't so much that he wanted to relax at home but that he was gonna come buy and pick up something and not stay. I don't like seeing him and not getting to really enjoy his company. This is where living in limbo gets hard- there are days where I just need him and I can't really explain why. My day was emotional and I just needed his comfort and as much as he'd give it if I asked and really said I needed it, he doesn't have to and I end up feeling guilty for even asking. Since I love him so much, I never not to want to see him. I just have to learn to cope better on my own.

I've laid low today and kinda kept to myself. Every time I try not to cause conflict it seems like that's exactly what I do and my honey is too sweet to tell me that I am driving him crazy. I think he needs his space and I'm gonna try and give it to him. Dealing just seems to get harder and harder. We go for periods of time with no conflict and then it seems like back to back conflicts. I KNOW he loves me and I know in another time and place things would be perfect but they aren't and it hurts. Sometimes I want reassurance but he doesn't owe that to me. *sigh*

My window is open and I am listening to the sound of the rain. I think I am finally learning to enjoy it a little bit, or maybe this storm isn't as as wild as the last few we've had. In any case, I am thrilled there is no thunder. As much as I look forward to the weekends as soon as they arrive I find myself bored and lonely. My baby sis who is usually hanging around during the week works closing shifts on the weekends so I generally find myself all alone. I had plans to go hiking with some friends this morning but oversleeping and rain (again) prevented that. Besides, I hate the idea of having to drive to LA to hang out all the time. I woulda woke up at the crack of down, drove an hour, hiked till I was exhausted and then drove home in the pouring rain. In retrospect, I'm glad I overslept. Even if I had made it, I woulda been home by noon and still had plenty of hours left in my day to be bored.

My apartment is far too quiet and I have too much time to think. After the constant email interaction with Superman and the office chatter with my co-workers during the week Saturday and Sunday can be a big let down. Today I rearranged my storage closet and got rid of a few more boxes that have been in my dining room. I abhor clutter so I felt some peace getting some stuff moved around. I've watched a movie or two, slept and surfed the net. I've begun a little work on my vision board and am looking forward to completing it. Tomorrow I need to hit the grocery store and get my food ready for the week. Other than that I have nothing exciting planned. I might pick up a few movies but since I am notorious for never returning them, that might not be a great idea.

I just really want one carefree day. One where I don't feel any stress, worry or sadness; where I am not overcome with way too much on my mind. Anxiety is going to be the death of me. I keep trying to get out more often but I honestly haven't had any great prospects. I have tons of associates but no one I really want to go out of my way to spend time with and yet I don't want to be home bored either.

I follow a blog where the author posted about being alone. She wrote of sitting in the doctors office alone as she face some health challenges and of being at home giving herself injections, once again alone. Sure, she has a great support system of friends and family but it was a different type of support and security she was looking for.

These thoughts are ones that I can relate too. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if the rest of my life will be spent virtually alone. If I will wake up to thunder scaring me half to death again and have no one to turn and cuddle with. If the next time I am sick I will have to sit in urgent care for 3 hours and text message my support system. Not that my loved ones would not come if I asked, but I hate to be an inconvenience or a burden. There are a few people on speed dial who would come to my rescue at the drop of a hat but I can't bring myself to even ask.

I think sometimes it can be especially hard because I know what it feels like to have a constant partner and friend. Even if you don't wake them up because you've had a bad dream you can look over and see their presence and snuggle just a little closer.

I know that God wants us to have the desires of our hearts and I know that he has good things in store for me. Occasionally, I can't help but wonder if his plan for me is different than what I have in mind for myself.

Times when these thoughts creep in, I have to remind myself that I am not alone. My mommy, my Superman and my friends (few as they may be) are just a phone call away and I am blessed to have them. I also remind myself how good it feels to have accomplished something on my own, to make it through a challenge or struggle and see just how strong and capable I really am. So sure, there are times when I am physically alone, but I have a great support system and a God that never leaves my side.