G- (Same father, different mother). She is my eldest sister. I think she is by far the prettiest of my daddy's girls. She is super smart, sweet and is studying to be a chef. Because we share a father and he has been absent a lot, I haven't spent a lot of time with her. I remember shared weekends at dad's house but he lost touch with her for about 10 years and that of course meant we did too. I was away at school when her mom called me randomly inviting me to her birthday party. My sister K and I arrived early and the tear fest and hugs ensued. We have kept in touch ever since and see each other once a year or so but we communicate via email regularly. She was a bridesmaid in my wedding.
K- (Same father, same mother). K is my older sister and as I mentioned in the BFF post, one of my best friends. I think we are a lot alike except she has a temper. According to others we look just alike but she has gorgeous skin. She is smart, funny, outgoing and determined. Like all my father's girls she's a foodie and she can cook her butt off! She's a great mommy to 2 girls and 1 boy. K is a surgical technician and a GI tech with aspirations of owning her own business.
ME!!!!
A- (Same mother, different father). A is my little sister. She's a pretty girl with a bad attitude and we don't get along that well. I'd still to go to hell and back for her even though she isn't my favorite person. She said something very hurtful a few years ago and I have yet to get over it. A has a BA in Sociology and works in apartment management/housing compliance.
E- (Same mother, different father). E is my little brother. He's a pain in the butt but I love him dearly. He tries hard. He wants to be a good man and I think he will be just that. In my household he was the baby and the only boy and he acts like it. He is spoiled but seems to think he gets a raw deal. I am proud of what he has accomplished and can't wait to see what the future holds. He is a proud father to a one year old boy. E has one more class to complete his BA in Kinesiology and is a part time personal trainer and track coach.
R- (Same father, different mother). R is the baby brother my father adopted. I find it ironic that my father didn't want to raise the girls he had but he and my stepmother adopted a little boy. Being that he was my father's child I didn't see him much and don't know him that well. One day my father took us to his house for a surprise and SURPRISE- we had a 3 year old little brother. My little brother was in a troubled home prior to being adopted and has continued to get in trouble into early adulthood. I think he truly he is a sweet kid who wants to do right but... I can't begin to imagine what hurts he carries with him and my dad is not the most active father in the world. You can live with him but still not really have an involved father. R is father to both a boy and a girl.
G basically grew up an only child. My household consisted of mommy, me, K, A, and E. A & E have 2 brothers on their father's side. My step-mom has 2 children. Needless to say I have a huge extended family and it can be quite confusing to everyone. Family events are always fun because the currents and ex's, steps and friends that are like family are all there and it can be quite an adventure.
I've had the week from hell. I should be losing my mind and sometimes I feel like I am but I've held it halfway together. In the last 7 days I've dealt with or attempted to deal with:
- Another difficult talk with Superman. This time is it.
- A family emergency with my first born niece, my heart. My heart is broken for her.
- The death of a co-worker and his wife in a car accident, their daughter remains in ICU.
- Drama with my niece's father's family.
- Drama with my mom and siblings who live with her.
- My lil brother in jail with a DUI. My mom called me in a panic at midnight and my heart dropped. I thought for sure my granny passed away even though she isn't sick or anything.
- The death of yet another young Kappa. I didn't know him personally but know plenty of people who did. I've seen so many young people in my social circle pass and it's always so sad. Death is never easy, but when young people die it always seems so unfair.
- The death of a church member.
- One of my "little sisters" was pregnant. She lost her baby due to a placental abruption. His name way Jayden and he was laid to rest this week.
- I had a stomach bug all week and barely went to work. I couldn't keep anything down or in.
Needless to say I've had a bit of crappy week but I've handled it better than I would have expected. I've just been staying to myself as much as possible and suppressing the urge to kick more than a few folks in their damn throats. I've fallen on my knees in tears more than once and prayed over and over again.
I'll be in Seattle next weekend for work and I am looking forward to a comfy hotel suite with a jacuzzi tub. I'm gonna do so much relaxing and praying and maybe I'll luck up on a sexy Pharmacist to get my groove back with. Just jokes ya'll. The super one still holds my heart but I will be glad to put some distance between us even though we don't really see each other. What I will be doing is networking and making connections with pharmacy schools in case I really do decide to move to a new state.
I've come to some realizations this week and I've pushed myself and worked hard on my will power but there is so much more to learn and Lord, I am willing and ready. Lead me.
I dream a lot. Full color vivid dreams and I wake up a mess. No matter how good the dream is I eventually end up sad because I have to go back to reality.
Sometimes Friday night/early Saturday morning I had this amazing dream. It was stunningly beautiful. I was at "home" surrounded by West Indian people. Don't know exactly where or why but I was meeting distant relatives for the first time and it was amazing. I was having so much fun; eating, talking and I felt so incredibly loved. I could feel the culture and breeze, hear the music, taste the food and I just felt like I was where I was always meant to be. My visit was going to end and I was already dreading leaving. There was a lull in the conversation and like I do in reality, whenever I have a quiet second to myself I think too much and get a bit sad. This woman in my dream recognized the sadness in my eyes and hugged me and we went for a walk in this gorgeous garden. We didn't talk much, she just held my hand and we walked. I woke up and realized that the woman in the dream was my Auntie Cecille. I woke up feeling so loved and cared for and so sad because I totally missed these people. I spent the weekend thinking about them from time to time and really wanting to go back. It was a beautiful dream; even now when I think about it the feelings all rush back. So bittersweet.
I walk around with more than enough emotions without carrying around emotions from my dreams as well; it drains me sometimes. It used to be that I'd dream and wake up and instantly forget or that I didn't dream every night and now it seems like even in my sleep my mind is working. Dreams about Superman really suck cause I wake up and he isn't there. At least with him, he does exist in real life.
My weekend was ok, kinda stressful. Superman was a bit stressed this weekend and as I talked to him the tears just fell. I was taken aback by how hurt I was by his stress. When he is down it definitely affects my mood and I always worry about him but this knocked the air out of me. I hate that I add to his load and that I wasn't there to comfort him. I had dozed off and shoulda just got up and went like I wanted too. I'm working through everything I feel and still trying to find what works best for me. Hopefully, peace will come soon.
I should be thrilled to have a 3 day weekend but as with all my weekends lately, I dread it. It hasn't been horrible but at the back of my mind is always sadness and thoughts of Superman. My sis and I took my mom for drinks to celebrate her new house. It is all official and I am so proud of my mommy. We then went and hung out at my aunt's house. My other aunt, granny, cousins, and baby cousin Sloan were all there.
My cousins asked me to be godmother to Sloan and of course I said yes. I am thrilled. I LOVE Sloan. She is such a gorgeous and sweet baby. We could hear moving around on her baby monitor and I go to get her and she is sitting right up in bed, wide-eyed. She reached her little arms out to me to be picked up and when I did she clung to me so tightly, cuddled with me and rested her head in my neck. It was such a good feeling. She makes my ovaries twinge!! In addition to my hilariously cute nieces and nephews, I had my precious baby cousin to share my love with.
Superman's cell phone is broken and it has been hard not to be able to text and chat with him all day. I am sure it was a much needed break for us both. I chilled in bed ALL day except for running out to get some food. I didn't have the energy or desire to do anything, I just wanted to be with him. I can't be happy knowing things aren't right and yet I can't feel secure in walking away either. It just doesn't feel right. As much as I try to detach I haven't been able to. I haven't been able to stop loving him or even distract myself. By now I should be bored, fed up, trying to replace him, or at least be ready to say f*ck it and move on but I'm not. I'm just hopelessly in love. This man is everything; my friend, my love, my support, my laughs....more than I ever dreamed and more than enough for me. Until that changes, here I am. Luckily my counselor doesn't think I have to make a definitive decision just yet and she agrees that he is wonderful too, but she's right I have to be content with whatever I choose to do. I think I am choosing to stay and kinda live in limbo indefinitely but I have to be way more comfortable with that decision than I am. It's not that I doubt his love- I wonder if he will ever feel comfortable and happy enough to commit to being mine again. Even typing that takes my breath away. I don't want to love him in vain and I definitely don't want to keep loving him and watching him hurt. I want things to get better. It hurts and scares me that he doesn't see what I see, that he doesn't want what I want, that I can't fix this. I just want to heal his hurts and be enough to inspire him to live and love life, and to keep loving me.
Superman is worth it, I know that without a shadow of a doubt! I'm willing to hang in there....if that doesn't work then I'll have to just let it all go.
Today was an emotion filled one. I went to a memorial service for an amazing woman from my church who passed away at the age of 89. She and her husband where among the few white people who joined our predominately black Presbyterian church more than 40 years ago. They are among the most giving people I have ever known and I truly believe are color blind; the only thing they see is a person's heart. Mr. and Mrs. P worked so hard in our church and in the community and blessed me by paying me (and others) to be the nursery attendant at church and by helping support me in my first years of college. I learned today that even though they got married a little late in life for their era (she was 26, and he 30) they were blessed to share 63 years of marriage. That is simply amazing and gives me hope.
It felt so good to be back in my church. I've spent the majority of my life there and it felt like coming home. I missed it, but I'm not ready to go back there full time. I saw so many faces from the past and received so many genuine hugs and concern about how I am doing. I miss getting that love every week. It made me want to go back to my youth; being a child at church growing up among a huge extended Christian family before I knew what struggle and the ups and downs of life were. It was also kinda sad being back at church memorializing someone when the last funeral service I attended there was my Papa's. My heart was in my throat as we drove up the hill to the church as the memories of being there for Papa flooded back. I remember being grateful this morning that this was a memorial service and not a funeral with a big black hearse parked out front.
As I left and went back home, I just felt sad and lonely. I miss being able to call Superman and run to him. I miss climbing onto his bed and into his arms and forgetting all my stresses for a moment. Most days I'm ok but there are moments where it hits me hard that though he is there- he isn't. Knowing he loves me sometimes sustains me but there are days when I want and need more. I'm not waiting for him per se, but I am. I only want to be with him. I am hoping that he will straighten out his life and we will indeed get back together. He holds my heart. Even if I wanted to see someone else and Lord knows I can't even fathom that, the truth of the matter is that I love him and until that changes- here I am. I'm not ready to move on; I can't. It's almost like being a long distance relationship sometimes except of course he's no longer my boyfriend. He's always there via phone or email but I can't put my hands on him and today is a day I really would have liked to be able to hug him. Until my heart says otherwise though...here I wait. I know God will work this all out...I can clearly see him working in me and in Superman. Today is a day this totally sucks.
Chrisette Michele-All I Ever Think About Listen Here
Prior to 2009 me and my Uncle D were thick as thieves. He was my uncle, big brother, bestest friend, father figure, counselor and Pastor. I held a million positions at church so most of my free time was spent with him having meetings- you know how Presbyterians do! I wouldn't have made it through my Papa's death, family feuds or my divorce without him. I spent serious couch time with him talking things out. Outside of all that he was family. His wife is the woman I grew up wanting to be just like. I joined AKA cause of her.
Long story short after I decided I wasn't being spiritually fed at my church any longer I finished out my positions/terms and stopped attending the church. Naturally our interactions changed. We didn't see each other or speak as much and I was hurt and feeling a little abandoned. Every now and again he'd reach out but I still felt slighted and kinda ignored him. He in turn felt abandoned and like I didn't need him anymore.
I saw my Uncle D at my cousin's art show last month and we spoke briefly. He asked me what happened to our friendship and I told him. We promised to connect. So finally I picked up the phone and called him. It was SO nice to talk with him. He told me he missed me! We chit chatted, caught up, set a lunch date and before we hung up he told me he missed me again and that he loved me. I cried. I was on cloud 9 the entire way home.
I wear my heart on my sleeve and I get hurt easily despite what people intend and I sometimes make it worse by not expressing myself and getting to the heart of the matter. My communication with men has never been great; especially with those who have the power to hurt me. Lesson learned.
Cute as A Bunny Challenge
So I only lost 1.1 lbs last week and I'm trying not to be sad about it. I know my endurance is increasing and overall I feel better but I wanna see the scale dropping. As far as I can tell I might be up a pound or 2 this week and I am really not pleased about that. My official weigh in day is Sunday so we'll see how that goes. I know I haven't had breakfast every day this week and I haven't been quite as active but I've stuck pretty close to my diet.
Weekend
My weekend was a bit emotional but pretty chill. I attended a baby shower for my nephew-in-law against my better judgment after my sis reassured me that it was ok and that she really wanted me there. I battled rain, car issues and traffic to get there. She and my nephew were genuinely happy to see me and I was just as happy to see them. As I began to help decorate and setup my sis told me that my ex was on his way and he was not at all thrilled that I was there; some of the rest of the family wasn't either. I'm sure he was probably bringing his girl and I can understand his displeasure to an extent but a part of me thought it was silly. In any case, I neglected to stay and left before he arrived. I never got to see my nieces or mommy-in-law and I was quite sad about that. My sis almost cried when I told her I was leaving and she just kept saying "this isn't fair, it's not supposed to be like this." Lesson learned. My large dysfunctional family consists of plenty of current wives/girls/mother of children and the all of the ex's as well. I grew up and never once saw my mom fight with any of my dad's wives. Family is family to me. I'll just make time for my sis-in-law and her kids when the entire family isn't involved.
After the baby shower I went to my cousin's art show. Just about the entire family showed up which was really nice. I love being around my family. I spent plenty of time with my baby cousin Sloan curled up on my chest. We hung out at the cafe for about 3 hours or so and then I went for dinner and drinks with my uncle, cousin and brother. Watching the men in my family scope out women was quite hilarious and I had a great time. Despite all I had to do Saturday, Sunday was quiet and I felt kinda lonely.
Stuff...
As always my mind is working overtime. I have so much to think about and figure out and I don't know where to start. My mind is constantly going. I think I am sleeping. I know I fall asleep and I wake up off and on but I think I sleep but then I wake up so unrested. I fight with my alarm EVERY single morning. I'm sad off and on and of course I feel bad for being so hard on Superman. I replay over and over in my head all the great times, stress over the bad ones (esp. my part in them) and just generally think and care about his well being and what's going on his life. There are just so many things that are not ideal and I keep trying hard to fix them but nothing seems to be working. I'm trying hard to be patient and just let go but I'm not doing good job at it. I hate not being in control. I just wanna be happier far more often than I'm sad. I am blessed to be loved though and I hope to never lose sight of that again.
I had a pretty awesome weekend. Nothing special but pretty damn good; really damn good.
Friday, Superman dropped by for a few hours. We laughed and chatted a bit though he was obviously quiet and a bit sad. I loved the opportunity to have him lay on me while I rubbed his head. I love and cherish not just every moment we get to spend together but even more so the opportunity to provide him with a few stress free moments. I wish that every single day I could spend a few moments rubbing the stress from him and just providing him with some calm and the ability to relax undisturbed. I can't help but imagine him coming home to me cooking dinner while he plays video games or watches TV as he unwinds from his day. No stress, no pressure just a comfy home life. But those are just my dreams...dreams I need to quit dreaming. I climbed into bed and prayed for him as always.
Saturday was a lazy day. I slept off and on all and began preparations for a charity event I am participating in on Tuesday evening. I will be speaking before a large audience at a Fashion Show & Benefit to support Haiti on behalf of the Haitian relief organization I work with. A portion of the nights proceeds will go directly to my organization and I am thrilled to be part of such a large event in Los Angeles. No matter how many times I speak in front of an audience I get nervous, but I LOVE the adrenalin rush. Since the organization is headquartered in Atlanta, I have to work hard to get organized and prepared to accept and process a number of donations here on the West Coast. Thank the Lord for 24 hour Kinko's cause I need banners, postcards, and donation forms! Our LA board member is on the ground in Haiti and so the tasks falls to me and not only do I love the work I do- I thrive on working under pressure. I am so in my element right now!
Sunday I woke up and cried through a few re-runs of Extreme Home Makeover and then went to hang with my mommy. She made me gumbo and we played on the Wii. A little later my sisters and the kidlets came by and we had a blast having Wii Family night. Mom is hinting that she wants a Wii for her birthday so I guess we'll have to come together and get her one. We had an absolute blast and I was glad I made the effort to get up and get out of the house. My mom actually wii''d a bit and thoroughly enjoyed watching us Wii. It felt really good to listen to my mom laugh till tears flowed. It was really good wholesome family fun and something we should do more often. I also played with my new EA Active again and I am excited about getting started on the 6-week challenge.
It is way past my bedtime but my mind is running as usual, I've got big plans for this week, I need to read my Purpose Driven Life chapter for today and I have to say my prayers. This week I choose to be happy, content, committed and productive!!
I am overwhelmed today and can't really figure out what I want to say. My weekend was great.
Friday after work Mom and I went to get pedicures and our eyebrows done. Whew, I looked like I had caterpillars growing on my face. Waxing was beyond overdue. I then grocery shopped and headed on home to await Superman. He arrived, we had dinner, chatted and relaxed.
Saturday was much of the same. Relaxing and talking until I went to go meet my baby nephew for the first time and take some family pictures. My nephew is by far the sweetest most good natured baby ever. And boy is he hefty which is good cause I don't trust skinny babies. Babies are supposed to be chunky with thigh rolls. I adore him already! I left Superman at home since the Cowboys were playing and made it back a few hours later to celebrate the win with him. We were supposed to go to Dave and Busters but communication got mixed up with the rest of my fam so we stayed in.
Sunday we finally got up, had breakfast and took off to see the Cirque Du Soleil show Kooza. It was nothing short of breathtaking. We enjoyed the show and had dinner before he headed back to his neck of the woods to get ready for the week. The weekend like most we spend together was great. I always enjoy his company and just feel so comfortable when he's around. We didn't talk about anything too serious and it felt really good to just be. I cried for a quick moment when he left. My apartment felt so empty. Of course I couldn't help but a feel a little bit of sadness cause things still aren't what I want them to be but I pushed that to the back of my mind.
My little brother and nephew were supposed to come spend the night but his car wouldn't start and so I spent my first night in a while all alone since my little sister is in South Carolina visiting her parents. I don't think I've ever spent more than 2 or 3 consecutive nights alone since I've lived "alone" so 30 days is gonna be a little daunting. Last night wasn't too bad though the news of the Central Cali quake had me more than a little rattled. I tossed a turned, had a lot on my mind and had a few nightmares last night but woke up and made it to work on time.
My thoughts are many this morning. Of course I miss Superman, I still struggle with our relationship though a bit less, and he had a bad evening after getting home and I hate that I can't do anything about it. In any case, my Dean just brightened my day by walking in after treating us to Cirque Du Soleil yesterday and handing me a bonus check I was not expecting. I'm just trying to be appreciative of a great weekend and not think too much today!
After dinner with my little cousins I drove home all by myself. The dark and lights were calming and I alternated between Musiq and Eric Roberson. Anytime where I can be alone with my thoughts ends up being sad. Before I left for dinner I was overcome with a few insecure thoughts and I was able to redirect my thoughts. My first reaction was totally emotional but I ended up rationalizing and talking to myself until I could think clearly again. I'm getting much better at that and it saves me a lot of drama.
As the weekend gets closer I'm slowly starting to get a little sad. I'm tired of curling up with my teddy bear at night with the TV on to keep me company. I need some attention. I'm trying to stay upbeat though. I feel really good cause I lost 4.9 lbs. I didn't make my end of the year goal but at least I lost some weight without really trying. I'll focus on losing more in the New Year.
My first born niece turns 13 tomorrow and I am so proud of the gorgeous young woman she has grown into. I remember first laying eyes on her and I remember almost turning around and coming home when I moved away for college because she cried so hard as I left. She's a 7th grader and the most gorgeous girl I've ever seen. She's smart, sweet and I am absolutely thrilled to have her as my niece.
I have been in a slow jams mood and this is the song in my head as I get ready for bed...
Deserveyoumore Lyrics
You ain't gotta make an issue, ooo
I ain't tryna play the victim, ooo
I'm just tryna make this thing right
How could you think that I
Could ever be better without you
I mean, I can go a few months
But everyday girl I be missin you
Me loosin you to another dude
I thought of it as so depressing, ooo
You know and I both know that we need this, that's why
I dream a lot. Full color vivid dreams and I wake up a mess. No matter how good the dream is I eventually end up sad because I have to go back to reality. 
