CityofCyn

Anyone who reads me regularly knows of the angst I've been going through in my love life. Since breaking up with the man of my dreams life has been hard. That's par for the course but I made it ten times harder then it needed to be. I let my insecurities get the best of me and I took his choice to work on improving his life personally. I acted a complete donkey on more than one occasion and damn near drove him away for good.

In the months since we've broken up both Superman and I have been growing tremendously. I can't explain it but he's growing before my very eyes and I am so honored to be a part of it. As I watch his spirituality and relationship with God deepen, his patience strengthen, his desire to be the best man possible and his confidence grow I find a million more reasons why I love him. He sent me a poem he had written the other day that reduced me to tears. He is such an amazing dude.

Like I always do when I am confronted with struggle, I discover Faith and strength I never knew existed. In dealing with all of my feelings, and trust me there have been MANY, I have had to confront my feelings of insecurity and it has been HARD! The best part that is that I know insecure moments will come but I am learning to work through them with a clear level head instead of leading with emotion. I've had to lean heavily on Faith that God will make this situation work out for the best according to His will and I am almost fully secure in that realization. There are still so many things to figure out, so much that I want that I am not sure how to get or if I'll ever get it, but I feel way more equipped to deal with the ups and downs that life throws my way.

I'm not sure how to explain how things changed but they did and they are. I guess I finally got tired of torturing myself and I had had enough. You know the saying, when a woman's fed up...that was me! I had to find a different approach and outlook. I was unhappy and that had to change. I am growing and maturing and developing an even deeper bond with the Lord. I'm quite pleased with the way things have turned and I am grateful. I always say God has a plan and a purpose for EVERY.SINGLE.THING and this has been no different. If a relationship with Superman isn't the end result I have become a better me, Superman man has become even more super and I feel we have become better friends. I'm so grateful that I have him!!

While I can't find words to fully express my thoughts and emotions just know that I am ok. Still not where I want to be, but better than I was before and hopeful and ready for the future.

The more I discover who I am, I discover who I'm not.

I can be a bit of an insecure jerk! Okay, maybe a lot more than a bit on my bad days. I need to apologize to blogland for giving the impression that Superman is a jerk; cause he isn't. We have been having a difficult few months and I have let my insecurities get the best of me. I like to think that I have made it to adulthood unscathed but the reality is that every now and again I pick up a bit of baggage that I though I had long ago gotten rid of it and I have taken it out on him unfairly. I can be an ass! Monday and Tuesday were two such days. I recognize it, really and truly this time, and I promise to do better. I have to do better! The situation we are experiencing is not ideal nor is what I want but I could be dealing with it a 100% better than I have. It's like I see myself handling things wrong yet I'm helpless to stop it. I just keep stumbling and doing all of the wrong things and the more I try and correct the more I seem to fcuk up. I don't know what's going on with me but I need to get it together QUICKLY!!! Improving myself will be a top my to-do-list as well as my prayer list.

I'm pretty much all moved in and trying to get settled. My surroundings will be a bit sparse for awhile but still- it's all mine. In just 2 short days I've already learned to enjoy the quiet. I like knowing that no one will be in my space unless I want them there. I'm excited to take my time and turn my place into a home bit by bit as my finances allow.

The last few days before moving were tremendously stressful. It was clear that I made the best decision to move because I simply could not take one more day there. I was unhappy all the time in that house. It was all I could think about or talk about and it kinda made me feel crazy because my roommate seemed so unphased by it all. There were times I doubted my decision to move, especially when the apartment search didn't seem to be going well. Eventually the pieces came together though and I am proud to say that I did mainly on my own. My mommy of course helped, and my moving men made moving so easy, but I did most of it on my own and only needed a little bit of money from my mommy and for that I am so very thankful. No matter what I've gone through God has always made it work it out yet every single time I go through a major change I get nervous about the outcome.

When I hit 30 I actually felt more grownup. I could look back at the many ups and downs in my life and really see the lessons I learned and the growth in myself. I felt equipped to deal with whatever came next because I had a bit of wisdom to guide me. Now, getting my own place feels like one of the few remaining pieces to my puzzle. I feel like a big girl!

I feel like I will soon have to make some very adult decisions and though I know if I have to I will survive- I just don't want to. I've written a series of emails I won't send and I'm just gonna remain prayerful and see things through as best as I can. I know what I want the outcome to be but God may intend something totally different and I have to be ok with that.

Things are a bit stressful but overall I am feeling really good. I am just taking life one day at a time, everyday putting my best foot forward trying to cross things off of my goal list and for the first time in a few months I feel really confident about it all.

I was at home sick on Friday, watching Good Morning America and caught a segment where Robin Roberts was discussing the moment that changed her life. BTW, I adore Robin Roberts. She is such a gorgeous, intelligent and strong woman. For Robin, her moment was being announced as Salutatorian for her high school class. Up until then she had only been a great athlete. But that moment changed her outlook and made her really take note of her academic ability as well.

For me, my aha moment was also in high school. It was the beginning of Summer School at the end of my junior year. My freshman year I messed up royally. I had transferred to a high school in a better district but the paperwork took a little longer than expected and I started school a week late. When I enrolled, the only classes they had left where a bunch of electives. I had 5 electives and a PE class every single day and I was bored beyond belief. I went from a honor student to a girl who rarely if ever showed up in class. I became rebellious and I had major daddy issues. I looked for love in all of the wrong places. I hung with the wrong crowd. At the end of freshman year, I had 3 months of absences and had only earned half of the credits for that year.

For Junior year, I enrolled in a continuation high school where I would be able to earn both my junior year credits as well as those I needed to makeup from freshman year. At that tiny school I found teachers who took a real interest me and my academic career. I wanted to go to college and since most of the work was independent study I had teachers who let me take college prep courses like advanced literature and geometry and algebra 2 while most students were taking Teen Parenting and basic math and English. I thrived. I was finally challenged and I loved every minute of it. Every 6 weeks we had a status report and update on credits earned. I continuously received awards for most credits earned. At the end of junior year I learned that I only needed 6 credits to graduate. I spent 6 weeks in summer school and graduated 1 year early.

I went on to do amazing on my SAT's and go from the JC to CSULB in one year. I learned that college wasn't really my thing and helping out my family took precedence but I did learn that I could always fix any mistakes I made. Redemption was never too late. I learned to step out on faith a lot more because I knew that even if I did make a wrong choice or a bad decision, God offered do-overs.

Since then I have made mistakes- but I've picked myself up and kept right on going. Knowing that I could right my wrongs if I only put in the effort gave me the strength to keep trying. I later went back to school determined and renewed. I knocked out my AA with honors and my BA shortly thereafter. Grad school is on the horizon. I've made some major mistakes in my personal life but I am well on the way to to my do-over. I am picking up the pieces and rebuilding and though the road has been rough......I am very happy.

That aha moment shaped me in ways that I will forever be thankful for. It taught me strength and to have faith in myself and my abilities. It was that same strength and faith that carried me when my cousin was murdered, when my Papa got sick and later passed away, it has seen me through every dark day and it gives me hope for tomorrow.

I had the most simple yet amazing weekend. Friday night I relaxed, organized my room and had some much needed quiet time. Saturday morning, I spent some time with my sis and niece grocery shopping and picking out healthier foods than I usually buy. Then it was home to meet my honey and enjoy some time together watching football games and movies. As I lay in bed watching Extreme Home Makeover, blogging and blog hopping- I can't help but to take the time to put these feelings on paper. My life as always is a bit chaotic, but I am still so blessed. Blessed with a family I love most days and blessed with a friend who is more than I could ever asked for.

I've been pleased to find that the lesson of patience is one that I think is slowly taking hold. I think I've finally learned to take a step back and let things be, and when I fail at that- to try all over again. I've been in prayer a lot, asking God to guide me. Only He knows what He has in His will and in His destiny for me and I'm taking me and my wants out of the equation and just focusing on letting God's will be done. I just want to be what God would have me be- in my career, in life and in my personal life. I want to be a better person, I want to be ready for my blessings, I want to be a great friend...I just want to be a blessing.

I'm still fighting the flu and needing to make some career decisions but my mind is totally at peace tonight and my heart is full and I'm falling asleep with a smile on my face.

So I let the ex know that I will begin the process of filing for divorce this week and his response, "Whats the rush??" {insert eye and neck rolling here}

Ummm...excuse me? We've been separated like 10 months, I spent money on counselors for you to make a half-assed attempt at reconciliation, you look me in my face and tell me its over for you; but I'm rushing. Negro puhleaze. Save that BS for someone who cares to hear it. For real...you can't be that slow. Or can you? Cake and eat too? NEVER that!

It's time to move on. I'm over it. I'm no longer angry, hurt, or moved by it- it is just time to move forward. No looking back, no woulda, coulda, shoulda or what if. Simply put- CynCity is done. No hard feelings but no reason to remain married either. God has blessed every stride I have made to move on and for that I am grateful; so there is no point in standing still now. I'm keepin it moving and doing what I need to do for ME!!!!!!!!! But gosh, the nerve of some people!