CityofCyn

-This week has been hectic. I have been working hard for the money over at the plantation. It's the end of the quarter so my weeks are hectic and then I have a huge Honors and Awards ceremony to finalize. I've got 36 students in DC today and getting them all checked into their hotels has been nothing but drama this morning. These same 36 students sent me the most gorgeous bouquet of flowers earlier this week! I love chaos.



-I don't want or need him to be everything to me. I know he isn't perfect and I love him as is. I just wanna love and support him. As much as I know he loves me, flaws and all- I want to be perfect in his eyes. Weird huh?

-My heart HURTS over some who really reached out for some much needed helped and kinda got slapped in the face. Not just by people but by the system as a whole. I need to really study up on this whole health care thing especially pre-existing conditions cause I just can't fathom turning away someone who NEEDS help.

-I have come to sort of some understanding about Superman. I won't quite call it indifference but...I guess it's acceptance. I love him, I want him to be my lovebug again but... Things that used to reduce me to tears and bother me to no end don't anymore. I spend a lot of time thinking of him and wanting to be a good support system but there is a lot less anxiety. I won't say I'm happy but I'm not quite sad either. I care a whole lot...I guess I'm just tired. I'm just here. I've been working on me and I guess it's working. My focus has been my health; physical, spiritual and emotional. I know with those in order the rest will fall into place. I will say that I crave intimacy. I don't need/want seks necessarily, just some strong arms around me occasionally. I miss that kinda comfort. Even with that, there is this just inner peace that I'd been missing for awhile. Hell, I'm pretty fcuking amazing and I need not ever forget that.

-A dear friend had a second miscarriage. I am so sad for her. She told me that in the next few years I should consider freezing my eggs just in case. She is a bit older and the doctors say there is nothing wrong with her or her hubby. She'd be an awesome mommy so I'm praying that she will have a healthy baby soon. On occasion I think about my age and having kids but I'm in absolutely no rush. I can't make things perfect but I want a baby under the most ideal circumstances and I have no intention of doing it alone. If my child bearing years pass me by then I'll make do with a puppy. I watch these poor girls on 16 and Pregnant and the fathers of these babies have ZERO interest in their kids. That is one situation I refuse to go through.

-There are more than 2.5 million people in the US that are OVER 550 lbs. WTF! How does that happen? There are people right here in this country and across the world who go days without a decent meal and 2.5 million people are eating their share of food and enough for 15 other people. One man I saw on the 1 Ton Man on TLC ate 30,000 calories a DAY? How do you do that? What could you possibly eat every day, especially when you are bed ridden that totals 30,000 calories?

-I've been doing my hair. It only took me 30 years to decide to take matters into my own hands and learn to maintain my hair. I'm not one who went to the shop religiously, in fact I rarely go, I just never learned to do my hair. I kept it short or after my surgery and having the front of my head shaved I started wearing wigs and hair pieces and that just kinda continued. I've washed it, blow dried and flat ironed all by myself. I even did a full roller set myself and it was a disaster. I've been switching up the styles and going to work feeling oh so pretty- I'm still not a pro and the thing I struggle with most is my pony tails but I am getting better day by day. I no longer fear washing my own hair cause I know I can now maintain it!

-I don't usually do self-help books and I am on hiatus from relationship advice but pieces of this article on Essence.com stuck out to me.
ESSENCE.com: How do women sabotage their relationships?
DR. MICHELLE CALLAHAN: My theory is that most women are mistyped. As a result of their dating and everyday life experiences, they have taken on a personality and dating type that doesn't reflect who they truly are, but reflects more of who they've allowed themselves to become as a result of their circumstances. They lose sight of their true personalities and see themselves through the world's lens, instead of through their own eyes as the women they were meant to be. When it comes to romance, in particular, women often take on dating habits and behaviors that are counterproductive and undermine the development of healthy and successful relationships. It's as if they forget who they really are and their insecurities dominate their thoughts and behaviors. As a result, instead of exuding confidence and success, they often act insecure and desperate (even if they don't realize it). They don't want to be stuck acting this way, but they don't know how to stop sabotaging their relationships and reclaim their happiness.

-I love that A Different World in syndication on TVONE. I love Dwayne and Whitley!

I just got back from my hair appointment and I am feeling beautiful. My hair is blowing in the breeze and I feel like I should be singing the Just For Me song. In the year and a half since I cut it short it's grown tremendously and now that my ends are trimmed I realize my hair is far healthier than I thought. I hope I can keep it up because feeling pretty does wonders for my mood.

I feel pretty, oh so pretty.

My honey is away on his annual Super Bowl cruise and I am missing him like crazy. Thursday we kinda debated about whether of not we should spend V-Day together. Here's yet another area where we don't see eye to eye and I can't figure out a compromise. It's not just V-Day, more importantly it's his birthday and it means a lot to me that we spend it together. I understand his point of view but yet in still it means a lot to me and that should be enough. It doesn't have to be a big production, just us hanging out like usual. I guess the reality of it is, it's his birthday and it's his choice. If I end up spending it alone I will have to think about what that says and means to me. I had kinda decided that I was through and I was gonna try my best to detach and then he came over and just talked and told me how much he loved me and here I am again...so in love and so confused. He worries that special events will send me mixed signals and yet comes over and tells me from the bottom of heart how he feels as if that's any easier. I'm grateful that he told me cause I definitely needed the reminder. I don't know what to do; this man has my whole heart and I have his and yet it just won't come together.

I went to a volunteer mixer for the breast cancer foundation and then out for the drinks with the girls. It was nice to get out even though I was a bit sleepy. I enjoyed myself and was glad I went but my mind was a bit preoccupied. The gBFF and I returned to my place to chat till 2am. It was nice to have a heart to heart and just talk and listen. Even though I forget it sometimes- she and I are so much alike. Hopeful, outgoing, optimistic and totally loving. She understands, never judges and has my best interest at heart. It's so hard to explain a situation I don't fully understand myself and one that can be slightly embarrassing but somehow she gets it. I'm glad the she can see just how amazing Superman is too and that she genuinely believes that he loves me. That makes me feel less foolish. I'm blessed to have her.

I can't say I am happy this weekend but I am not too sad. More thoughtful than anything else. I grocery shopped so I need to cook and pack my lunches for the week and finally do my laundry. I am so looking forward to my honey coming home on Monday. It's hell to not talk to him but I'll survive and I think this break will have been good for us both. I'm prayerful that he will come home rested and revived.