CityofCyn

I had good intentions for coming home today. Clean the fridge, put away laundry, clean the bathroom, put up bookshelves, and the list goes on and on. I turned on the TV and climbed into bed. I dozed off and on but I got up at 8 something and started doing some of the things I wanted to get done this weekend. I put up the bookshelves and cleared up the junk that had been piling up on the corner of my bed. I got bold and went ahead and glued down my vision board. I don't know why I've been so scared to finalize it but I finally did. I have a great life and I'm working towards making it that much greater but I fear that one part will be missing. Gotta get past this fear. My vision board is now hanging in my room where I can stare it on a daily basis. Instead of staring at the walls when I'm tossing and turning I can stare at what I want my life to be. Write it down. Visualize it. Make it happen!!!

I'm gonna put pictures up tomorrow and finish organizing which is funny since I may be moving in 3 months. Oh well, better late than never. As long as I can be more comfortable and feel at peace that's all that matters. If things work out the way I am hoping I'll have more space when I move and I'll even save a tiny bit. Lord willing it will happen, if not I'll just continue to settle in here and make the best of it. I'm gonna finish my budget tomorrow and I have an appointment with my retirement fund next week. Even if I only put $10 a pay period in there I need to put something. My employer contributes every month and they even match contributions so I need to do my part. First though is getting an emergency fund established.

I'm still on a bit of an emotional roller coaster today so I'm just kinda laying low. Haven't really talked to anyone other than my mommy today and I won't call Superman until I am in a better mood. Days like this are when the arguments come and I am not trying to spark one. I just need some quiet time to work through it. I sat here tonight looking through old photos of us- I miss those days so much. It's really late....I need to go to bed.

I would love to have a space like this in my home. To be able to sit and conceptualize, to plan, to brainstorm, to be excited about my future. A place to get comfy and plan my budget, to pick my meals for the week, to do my volunteer work. A place to figure out where the hell I'm headed in life. My vision board is almost done- I just gotta glue the pieces down. I want it to be perfect though so I'm scared that as soon as I finish it, I'll find other things I want to add.

My stupid azz apartment complex made me go angry black woman on them the other day. I actually cussed out the dude in the leasing office. I was just so mad and frustrated. I hate when people are just out right idiots. I work hard and I pay rent and I should be able to get good customer service and maintenance when I request it. I don't complain often and I don't nit pick silly stuff. Needing a remote control to get into the gate because mine won't work is a reasonable request and one that should be attended to immediately.

The Lord is working on me. I started feeling hopeless and defeated. I've had nothing but problems since moving and since I can't really afford anything else I felt trapped. I've been trying to recognize my blessings despite all the chaos around me and I was determined not to let this be any different. I prayed and prayed but I also did what I could. Instead of throwing a tantrum I started writing letters and making phone calls. I called HUD, The Fair Housing Burea, the Housing Rights Center of Los Angeles and my city's housing authority. I wrote a letter to the Property Management Company along with the copy of the complaint I sent to my housing authority and within 2 hours I got a call from my community manager. For the moment my most pressing issues are resolved and the other ones should be coming to a swift resolution. I'm sure this won't be the last of the issues here but at least I found a way to deal. I refuse to let people walk all over me and I refuse to just sit back and take crap off of people. I may not be able to afford the nicest apartment in the world but that doesn't mean that things shouldn't work in my apartment.

I got frustrated, I cried, and I even had a "why me? moment" but I maintained my Faith and did what I had to do. And that's exactly what I am gonna continue to do. I can't predict where I'll be at the end of the summer. I don't have a clue as to how I'm gonna continue to pay my bills and how I'm gonna survive but with Faith, prayer and persistence and the last dreaded P word- patience, I'll figure it out.

My window is open and I am listening to the sound of the rain. I think I am finally learning to enjoy it a little bit, or maybe this storm isn't as as wild as the last few we've had. In any case, I am thrilled there is no thunder. As much as I look forward to the weekends as soon as they arrive I find myself bored and lonely. My baby sis who is usually hanging around during the week works closing shifts on the weekends so I generally find myself all alone. I had plans to go hiking with some friends this morning but oversleeping and rain (again) prevented that. Besides, I hate the idea of having to drive to LA to hang out all the time. I woulda woke up at the crack of down, drove an hour, hiked till I was exhausted and then drove home in the pouring rain. In retrospect, I'm glad I overslept. Even if I had made it, I woulda been home by noon and still had plenty of hours left in my day to be bored.

My apartment is far too quiet and I have too much time to think. After the constant email interaction with Superman and the office chatter with my co-workers during the week Saturday and Sunday can be a big let down. Today I rearranged my storage closet and got rid of a few more boxes that have been in my dining room. I abhor clutter so I felt some peace getting some stuff moved around. I've watched a movie or two, slept and surfed the net. I've begun a little work on my vision board and am looking forward to completing it. Tomorrow I need to hit the grocery store and get my food ready for the week. Other than that I have nothing exciting planned. I might pick up a few movies but since I am notorious for never returning them, that might not be a great idea.

I just really want one carefree day. One where I don't feel any stress, worry or sadness; where I am not overcome with way too much on my mind. Anxiety is going to be the death of me. I keep trying to get out more often but I honestly haven't had any great prospects. I have tons of associates but no one I really want to go out of my way to spend time with and yet I don't want to be home bored either.

I had an amazing 4 day weekend that was pretty chill. It was kinda hectic in the beginning and then I got to do nothing but relax and hang out with the Superman. I saw my granny and I am amazed by how well she is doing. She is happier and looking better than I have seen her in years. Her friend from home is still here so her accent is stronger than usual since she hangs with him all day long. I think her last hospital stay scared her into really living and I am grateful for that.

I got some more things for my place and my kitchen is pretty much done. Just need a few minor things. Granny gave me a check for my dining room table so all that's left is the living room. Woohoo!! I love my space. It's looking more like a home every day and I love going home even when I have nothing to do. I love Love LOVE it! I can't wait until I get a few more things settled and some stuff stored away and then it will be perfect. I love being able to have my Superman over and not have him confined to my room.

There are still a lot of things swirling in my head that I can't seem to get out no matter how much I write, think and pray. I just hope it all becomes clear soon so I can relax a bit more. Yesterday woulda been my 7th wedding anniversary and all I can think is that I am still not where I wanna be since ending my marriage. I have so much more to still accomplish but slowly and surely I am getting there. I pray to God that this time next year, all will be said and done.

When I love, I love hard! That scares me this time around. There are times I fear that in trying not to be a tactless Sagittarius- I sugar coat things. I hate to hurt peoples feelings and so I'm not good at this tough love thing!

I have had a difficult day, which is pretty much par for the course here in CynCity.



I left my meds at work last night. I arrive today to discover no meds. I was putting a bunch of stuff out for cleaning to toss out and somehow I musta managed to put my baggie of meds in the trash instead of my purse. As my luck would have it by the time I waddled down to the dumpsters at 8:30am they were totally clean. My meds would get tossed on trash night. I had taken Tylenol Codeine the night before when I didn't have my meds and I didn't take it with me to work because I just knew that my other meds were on gonna be on my desk. Needless to say, today was a difficult pain filled one. Just another reminder that I need to settle down and focus on me and not be so caught up in everything else that I am frazzled and messing up.

My mom and aunt did there usual job of nagging me today. I was telling my mom about how I was tired of being the dependable one and how I was tired of being everyone's go to girl. She agreed but I got the feeling that she didn't understand how much she leans on me and that she is included on my list of folx who I will be saying no to. Every time I express feeling used or taken advantage of, my mom takes over and talks about herself. She can never quite listen, it has to be about her. I know that's just how she is and I need to learn to quit expecting different but it still bugs me. I have had to lie about being at work late on Friday, but hey- as long as I don't get stuck doing what I don't want to.

I got my panties in a bunch because of a post on a message board. It's not the first time I've seen it and I guess because it hits close to home it always annoys me. The discussion was about people not ending a relationship before starting another. The consensus was that people should be divorced before they start dating again. I agree to a certain degree but situations are not that cut and dry. There are so many different factors that play a part in getting a divorce and starting over. Ideally, before I got serious with anybody I would have been fully divorced but I met Superman and we hit it off. I also never anticipated having this much trouble with my divorce paperwork and it being delayed this long. People say if its important enough you would make it happen, but I can't afford my monthly bills much less the outrageous fees these lawyers are charging. I need to quit being so sensitive especially since my personal situation isn't even being discussed. I guess I have learned the hard way not make sweeping generalizations or talk about what I would do in a situation that I have never encountered.

I am moving by the new year if not sooner depending on what my roommate decides. I don't know how to make it happen but considering I may not have a choice I need to be as prepared as possible. I am unhappy and its a cyclical thing. I can't eat the way I want because I have a shelf in the fridge and one shelf in the pantry. I can't keep fresh fruit and veggies cause there isn't the space and running to and from the store every 2 days. I am still not comfortable cooking when others are in the kitchen and I spend my time in my room. I rarely come out and I end up laying around, sleeping and not doing the things I need to do. All in all, I am not happy and it filters into everything else. If I have had a good day, when I get home my mood changes and I hole up in my room. When I plan to come in and cook a few healthy meals I come home and people are in the kitchen or the kitchen is a mess. I know I get to my mind right no matter my surroundings and I am working on that too but I do need to move. Financially, its impossible without a roommate so I am going to explore all options and try my best to find a place where I can be comfortable and secure. That is my number one project right now.

My back is killing me and so it is time to try and get some relief. I am once again writing out my dreams and goals and taking the steps to make them a reality. The California economy is really making it scary and depressing me but I am gonna keep trying to build happiness for myself.