03 Feb
Thinking of a Master Plan
As always a lot is going on in this pretty little head of mine. I'm working on my action plan bit by bit. It's so hard to see everything you want and not quite know how to get to it. It's like looking through a huge picture window but slowly I'm building the strength to shatter that glass and grab what I want.
It's hard to admit that I don't have all the answers and despite how hard I try, how deeply I love and how badly I want it, somethings are outta my control. There are things that make me feel like a failure and I have to get past them. But every day is a new opportunity to give it my best shot and I am so grateful for God's mercy.
I know I have the tendency to procrastinate and take on way too much so I am starting slow. I sent a few emails today to try and straighten out this school thing and that was my focus. Tomorrow I have one health goal and one personal goal. I'm gonna eat breakfast and research doctors so I can make an appointment with a nutritionist and personally I am going to do my Purpose Driven Life reading and some writing. Each day I'll have a goal to meet and I'll celebrate each little victory. Little by little life will fall into place.
I know that so many things are tied to a cycle of depression in my life. This school thing, the divorce, the garnishment, my credit, my weight, acne, hair and everything all contributes. When I tell myself I wanna shake it all off and enjoy life I realize I can't afford to go out and do anything. Couple that with the fact that I look in the closet and I don't have anything to wear, I hate my weight and I can't afford to keep my hair appointments; it just ends up easier to stay in bed and be sad. Some of that stuff is superficial but it still impacts me. Every time I start to feel the pressure lifting something else happens like owing taxes AGAIN. In addition to working on the mental/emotional me I am working hard on the physical me. Stress and birth control have taken it's toll on me over the years and I am still shocked at how drastically different I am from the 110lb gorgeous carefree girl I used to be.
Like I'm committed to sticking to my budget, I am committed to improving all aspects of my life and I am committed to refocusing on being an awesome friend and support. The days are still difficult and I'm still sad but I'm gonna do the possible and let God handle the impossible.
