CityofCyn

I'm in the SeaTac airport awaiting my flight to home sweet home. Seattle was great. The weather was really nice and its a beautiful green city. Even when its kinda gray and overcast its still surprisingly warm. I definitely wouldn't mind coming back to really see the sights.

The last two days have been really nice. I met Dr. M for drinks and lunch as we watched the World Cup. After that I headed back to afternoon sessions and then we went to the wine bar for before dinner drinks. Working for a Christian institution means that drinking at company functions is forbidden so we had them beforehand. We then headed out to a french dinner at Maximillian. We were overlooking the water and dinner was delicious. I had the smoked salmon appetizer that was a lot more raw looking than I anticipated but it was still yummy. I had the lobster, mashed potatoes and broccoli rabe entree and it was by far the best lobster I've ever had. We hit the wine bar again after dinner. Dr. M has done a good job of keeping me tipsy this entire trip.

The next day I woke up to gray skies and snuggled deeper into the pillows and never got up. I finally ventured out and discovered that despite the clouds it was a very nice day. I strolled in the neighborhood surrounding my hotel and got hit on by 3 black men who wanted to engage me in a long conversation despite me continuing to walk away. I grabbed a salad at Ihop and hightailed it back to my room.

I was kinda quiet contemplative and shed tears a few times watching the First 48 and A Baby Story. I don't know why I was in such a emotional mood. Dr. M called and talked me into meeting his wife and another colleague for more wine so off I went. We met in their room for a glass of Chardonnay and off we went to the wine bar. Again. I had a silver Patron margarita and the grilled prawns in a garlic herb butter that was delish.

I had a great time once again and was glad I got up and out. I love the downtown seattle area. Its so nice to be able to hop in a cab and get out. I'd have so much more of a social life if I lived in an area like this. Dr. G read my palm and although I don't really believe in it, I was pleasantly surprised. She said I have a very strong career line and that I will be successful. She said I open up to people well but that I still need to trust people with my feelings more. She said I had one of the best marriage lines I've seen and that I'd have a long and happy marriage but that I wouldn't get married for a few years yet. The only bad thing was that there was a gap in my health line and that I would have a health problem, possibly major, but I'd get past it and have no problems after that. Ironically I believe something is wrong with me that no doctor can figure out. Our waiter turned out to have the exact same birthday as Superman. What she said about Aqaurians rang so true, at least in my narrow experience. We also talked about my weight and since she counsels patients about weight at clinic she promised to make me her pet project and help me reach my goal weight. I had the wonderful opportunity to get to know my colleagues and I'm glad I did. Being the youngest and the only admin on a trip full of pharmacists meant that I had tons of wine and yummy dinners and I was not allowed to pay for a thing!

This morning I got up and soaked in the jacuzzi tub before packing and heading to the airport. I was able to pray and meditate before starting my day. It was really nice to have Superman always available to chat and it certainly kept me from being lonely. I have a direct flight and will be home in less than 3 hours and I'm anxious to get home. I had a great time and certainly needed the time away but there is no place like home. I founded myself more relaxed and carefree than I had anticipated and I've got lots on my mind and things to figure out but for the moment I'm not anxious about them.

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I've had the week from hell. I should be losing my mind and sometimes I feel like I am but I've held it halfway together. In the last 7 days I've dealt with or attempted to deal with:

- Another difficult talk with Superman. This time is it.
- A family emergency with my first born niece, my heart. My heart is broken for her.
- The death of a co-worker and his wife in a car accident, their daughter remains in ICU.
- Drama with my niece's father's family.
- Drama with my mom and siblings who live with her.
- My lil brother in jail with a DUI. My mom called me in a panic at midnight and my heart dropped. I thought for sure my granny passed away even though she isn't sick or anything.
- The death of yet another young Kappa. I didn't know him personally but know plenty of people who did. I've seen so many young people in my social circle pass and it's always so sad. Death is never easy, but when young people die it always seems so unfair.
- The death of a church member.
- One of my "little sisters" was pregnant. She lost her baby due to a placental abruption. His name way Jayden and he was laid to rest this week.
- I had a stomach bug all week and barely went to work. I couldn't keep anything down or in.

Needless to say I've had a bit of crappy week but I've handled it better than I would have expected. I've just been staying to myself as much as possible and suppressing the urge to kick more than a few folks in their damn throats. I've fallen on my knees in tears more than once and prayed over and over again.

I'll be in Seattle next weekend for work and I am looking forward to a comfy hotel suite with a jacuzzi tub. I'm gonna do so much relaxing and praying and maybe I'll luck up on a sexy Pharmacist to get my groove back with. Just jokes ya'll. The super one still holds my heart but I will be glad to put some distance between us even though we don't really see each other. What I will be doing is networking and making connections with pharmacy schools in case I really do decide to move to a new state.

I've come to some realizations this week and I've pushed myself and worked hard on my will power but there is so much more to learn and Lord, I am willing and ready. Lead me.

Saw this over at MonicaMingo.com and found it pretty interesting. Took me a moment to think of 10 words and I'm sure they reflect my depressed mood as of late, but here they are.

Use 10 words to describe your life's journey thus far:

Mine are:

1. Blessed
2. Struggle
3. Work
4. Love
5. Support
6. Giving
7. Striving
8. Growth
9. Setbacks
10. Hurt

My 1st counseling appointment was yesterday and I am happy to report that it went well. VERY well in fact. I've been to 2 sessions of marriage counseling and I did counseling with my Pastor (my Uncle D) but this was very different and I really enjoyed it.

I realized for the first time someone really looked at me and asked me how my separation and ending of my marriage made me really feel. Immediately, tears sprang to my eyes. Even as emotional as I am I didn't think I'd cry. I heard myself saying, betrayed, like a failure, like I wasn't worth it. I don't want him or that marriage back but those feeling sometimes linger. When things get rocky that's my first thought- no one's gonna think I'm worth it to stick it out. I've talked about my divorce a million times but it just felt different, like she truly wanted to know how I was affected by it and I felt ok to really reveal how shitty it made me feel.

We talked about work, my finances, and of course Superman. Tears sprang to my eyes again. It is so hard loving and being loved by a man who doesn't know his own worth and won't let you love him back. From the way I described him and spoke of him, my counselor thinks he is quite amazing too. As always, I think he's worth it but until he thinks the same of me...I just gotta figure out what I'm gonna do....

I have some homework to do and lots of reflection and I am looking forward to going back in 2 weeks. I realized I have no clue what brings me pleasure. I love my job, I love to volunteer but I can't think of much that I do that is just solely about me! Gotta work on that. I wish I woulda made the decision to go a lot sooner but I usually bounce back a lot easier than this. I've never been down this long. But I'm confident I'm on my way to a better place.

It's the weekend. Again. As much as I look forward to them I hate them just as much. I try to do as much as I can so as to not be bored but I'm really not in the mood to do anything but read and watch movies. I'm gonna run errands with my mommy later and then we're bbq'ing at her house tomorrow. I'd rather stay in my bed but I'm gonna get up and enjoy myself.

I haven't had the opportunity to start my financial prosperity book but I have been thoroughly blessed by the other blogger's posts. I know where my financial difficulties and habits come from and I am really thinking about how I can change them. I've been come a long way already in how and when I pay my bills and I'm quite proud of myself.

Emotionally, I'm working on changing my thoughts. I gotta quit thinking of Superman all the time. I talk to myself all the time to redirect my thoughts. I probably look crazy walking around muttering to myself but all day but it helps. I'm anxiously awaiting the day I wake up and things are ok but I hate the idea that what I want is not going to be. That makes me sad. It's hell trying to cut back on communicating with him and I want to see him so badly. It won't always be like this though.

I don't know why life is hitting me so hard lately. I'm usually the shake it off and keep it moving while barely missing a step chic and I haven't been able to do that. And it's pissing me off! Royally. I'm mad at myself for not handling this shit better.

This whole Superman thing has totally thrown me off my game. I had hopes and dreams that are not going to be and I just need to let them go. Like literally toss them in the trash and not look back. I love him, I think he's amazing and I think he's worth the wait but I cannot make something be there that simply isn't. Admit it. Deal with it and suck it the fcuk up and quit bitching about it. Be glad you get to still be his friend.

I gotta figure out a way to make all the things I want financially happen despite what I make. Gotta tithe off the top and pay myself first and figure out a way to juggle the rest.

I have got to get out of this state of depression.

Things are looking up in CynCity. For the first time in a week I feel human again. I'm still sick but I feel better than I can remember in awhile. I'll be glad when I stop coughing though. It's Admin Professional's Day today and I received a Gerbera Daisy plant and a Star of Bethlehem plant, a starbucks card, a Lucille's BBQ gift card, and free breakfast. I must day it's been a pretty decent day.

I must say things are well. I need to go buy a few dresses this weekend cause my slacks no longer fit. They keep sliding off my azz and it feels like my entire butt is out when I sit down. I felt like such a bum walking around pulling them up all day. I don't physically see much difference but it's apparent in my clothes.

I sat and paid my bills today and there was enough money in my account! I'm being way better about doing what needs to be done although I could do a lot better. I need to plan my meals instead of these random trips to the grocery store where I buy a lot of stuff I probably don't need and probably won't even get around to using. I'd like to save but paying Uncle Sam comes first. Hopefully I can get that outta the way and really buckle down. I'd like at least 3 months of expenses in the bank and to really start paying off crap on my credit.

I've got some stuff to turn in at school and hopefully that situation will be all squared away by the end of the summer. I am keeping my fingers crossed. If it is- grad school here I come!!!

I got all the repairs in my apartment made and they even cleaned my carpet!! If all goes well I might have a new bed and couch before months end and I'll be so much more comfy....until the baby brother comes but that's a story for another day.

For the most part, things are getting better but my heart is still heavy. I have every reason to be happy and for the most part I am but.... I can't really find words. I'm unsettled and I'm not sure if it's a good thing or bad.

Superman has been heavy on my mind and heart. I think he's in for a revelation. In fact, I'm sure of it! I keep watching him grow and evolve too. I know God is working on me. And I can see and feel the growth...He's a part of me. Can't shake him. He makes me better. He has had such a positive impact on my life. I love him!!!!! So much....A small part of me is cautiously optimistic but for the most part I'm resigned to loving him from a distance. I can't change it- it just is.

I don't think I had a point in my mind for this post....Just getting my thoughts out.

Whew, this pretty little head of mine works overtime. While I feel surprisingly stress and carefree most times, the painful tension in my upper back and shoulders in telling a different story. I feel extremely blessed and I can clearly see the hand of God on my life but far more importantly I think I am beginning to really truly believe that it is there even when I can't see it.



My mommy decided to buy a house before she retires, she JUST got approval of her offer! Yippee, I am so happy for her. She can easily afford it in her retirement and it will be far cheaper than what she would pay for an apartment. She'll have no problem jetsetting back and forth to Barbados and paying her mortgage with ease. In fact she will be paying a little less than I what I pay in rent.

Why do I consistently get in my car, throw my arm over the passenger seat to see where I am going, take my foot of the gas and then get surprised when I don't move? I look down and the car is still in park. This happens EVERY day when I leave work. LOL! :)

I need to sit down somewhere and keep my mouth shut. My heart is completely overflowing! I wanna shout from rooftops and I see little hearts and flowers floating around my head. It feels fine and right for the moment but I know it isn't helping anything and I'm scared that when I crash- I'm gonna crash hard.

I need a roommate or a 2nd job. I don't know what I am gonna do when my lease is up. I'm considering a studio but those aren't that much cheaper really. I work hard and I should be able to have a decent apartment but cost of living is so high here. There are things I want, that are not needs necessarily but they are pretty basic and I have no means of getting them. God always makes a way so I trust that this will be no different.

I am lonely. I can deal with quiet time and I don't get scared at night that much but I'm just lonely. Superman and I talk all day every day but we haven't seen each other. I'm truly enjoying his friendship and I am so glad the arguing has stopped. I miss him and I miss his company though.

I am losing inches around my chest/back and my breasts hang/sit differently because of it. I will be in the market for all new bras but I don't know whether to buy a few now or just hold out until I reach a significant amount of weight loss.

Anyone who reads me regularly knows of the angst I've been going through in my love life. Since breaking up with the man of my dreams life has been hard. That's par for the course but I made it ten times harder then it needed to be. I let my insecurities get the best of me and I took his choice to work on improving his life personally. I acted a complete donkey on more than one occasion and damn near drove him away for good.

In the months since we've broken up both Superman and I have been growing tremendously. I can't explain it but he's growing before my very eyes and I am so honored to be a part of it. As I watch his spirituality and relationship with God deepen, his patience strengthen, his desire to be the best man possible and his confidence grow I find a million more reasons why I love him. He sent me a poem he had written the other day that reduced me to tears. He is such an amazing dude.

Like I always do when I am confronted with struggle, I discover Faith and strength I never knew existed. In dealing with all of my feelings, and trust me there have been MANY, I have had to confront my feelings of insecurity and it has been HARD! The best part that is that I know insecure moments will come but I am learning to work through them with a clear level head instead of leading with emotion. I've had to lean heavily on Faith that God will make this situation work out for the best according to His will and I am almost fully secure in that realization. There are still so many things to figure out, so much that I want that I am not sure how to get or if I'll ever get it, but I feel way more equipped to deal with the ups and downs that life throws my way.

I'm not sure how to explain how things changed but they did and they are. I guess I finally got tired of torturing myself and I had had enough. You know the saying, when a woman's fed up...that was me! I had to find a different approach and outlook. I was unhappy and that had to change. I am growing and maturing and developing an even deeper bond with the Lord. I'm quite pleased with the way things have turned and I am grateful. I always say God has a plan and a purpose for EVERY.SINGLE.THING and this has been no different. If a relationship with Superman isn't the end result I have become a better me, Superman man has become even more super and I feel we have become better friends. I'm so grateful that I have him!!

While I can't find words to fully express my thoughts and emotions just know that I am ok. Still not where I want to be, but better than I was before and hopeful and ready for the future.

My mind is on overload this week. Not really in a stressful way, but at any given time I have a million and one thoughts in my head; me, dieting, moving, giving up, cooking, working out, weight, my family, Superman, have I handled this situation correctly, will he stop loving me, loneliness, trying to fall outta love, going out more, school, work, volunteering, redecorating, finances, bills, 2nd job, did I say the wrong thing, my future, my past, my to do list, Bible study, church, trying to build my faith & spirituality, my life's purpose, where I"ll be in the next 5 years, if I am destined to be an old lady with 50 cats as her only companions..... As you can see there is a lot going on in this pretty little head of mine. I'm trying to work on a million things at one- but that's the multitasker in me. I wanna improve so many things and tackle so many tasks and there just aren't enough hours in the day and I don't have the powers to speed up the process. There is just enough to keep me on edge and not sleeping soundly but not enough for panic attacks and impulsive actions...yet!

I'm just focusing my energy on working out and volunteering for the moment otherwise I'll drive my self crazy. Reading the Purpose Driven Life keeps me thinking and every day I am trying to build my Faith and just be the best me but I'm not always sure what that is. Don't know if I need to just relax and be content or keep striving for the things I want. One could argue that love and security are needs and not wants but that's the just tip of the iceberg of what I want. I want to live AND love fulfilled. No matter how simple my life may be I want to be content and full in it. I don't want big things- just to have a good life loving what I do and the people in my life. No matter what, it will come together so I'm trying not to let it get me down. Of course as luck would have it- those who want to willingly throw love and security at me are the ones I don't want it from. I love to joke about giving up on love and marrying as a business deal- I could never do it though. I'm too much of a romantic for that! I'd take a poor man who believes I hung the moon than a rich man that I'm not passionate about ANY DAY!!

My sis-in-law invited me to my nephew's baby shower and I am so torn about going. I love my sis-in-law and her kids VERY much. They spent so much time at my house that they are practically my kids. Problem is the rest of her family hasn't been friendly and I have not seen the majority of them since before me and the ex split. It will be awkward for sure but my sis really wants me to come. Decisions, decisions......!