It's a shitty day in CynCity. Yesterday was kinda up and down and today has started off like crap. I'm trying to fight it off but I'm not sure if I have the energy. You see the roller coaster I'm riding? Just the other day I was all warm and fuzzy and content and today I could stay in bed. I woke up feeling pretty good but traffic pissed me off. I damn near had a melt down in the car. I had to go out of my way on the streets to avoid an accident on the freeway. The entire way folks were cruising like it was Sunday. Why is the speed limit 45 and we are all doing 30? Seriously, it's a work day and I don't know about you but I have somewhere to be.
I sat through 4 green lights at one congested intersection before I finally got to proceed. I'm in the car singing loudly to Goodbye Love on repeat and talking to God in my head. I finally get around the accident hop on the freeway and proceed to get cut off by Julio in his damn gardening truck. I speed along for about 1/2 a mile before I'm staring at red brake lights as traffic stops. I seriously wanted to cry. I had already honked and cussed at Julio like a damn crazy woman. It took everything in me not to turn the hell around and go back home. A nice glass of wine and a hot bath is calling my name. Even more than that- love is calling my name. I need to be curled up in some strong arms- one set of arms in particular.
It's Friday and I am looking forward to the respite from work for a bit (I have to work Sunday evening) I'm not looking forward to the alone time. I've RSVP's for a few events in the coming weeks but since I don't have anyone to go with I'll probably just not go. I'm lonely as hell but not willing to put myself out there and make new friends. How the hell does one do that at this age anyway? *sigh*
Today was an emotion filled one. I went to a memorial service for an amazing woman from my church who passed away at the age of 89. She and her husband where among the few white people who joined our predominately black Presbyterian church more than 40 years ago. They are among the most giving people I have ever known and I truly believe are color blind; the only thing they see is a person's heart. Mr. and Mrs. P worked so hard in our church and in the community and blessed me by paying me (and others) to be the nursery attendant at church and by helping support me in my first years of college. I learned today that even though they got married a little late in life for their era (she was 26, and he 30) they were blessed to share 63 years of marriage. That is simply amazing and gives me hope.
It felt so good to be back in my church. I've spent the majority of my life there and it felt like coming home. I missed it, but I'm not ready to go back there full time. I saw so many faces from the past and received so many genuine hugs and concern about how I am doing. I miss getting that love every week. It made me want to go back to my youth; being a child at church growing up among a huge extended Christian family before I knew what struggle and the ups and downs of life were. It was also kinda sad being back at church memorializing someone when the last funeral service I attended there was my Papa's. My heart was in my throat as we drove up the hill to the church as the memories of being there for Papa flooded back. I remember being grateful this morning that this was a memorial service and not a funeral with a big black hearse parked out front.
As I left and went back home, I just felt sad and lonely. I miss being able to call Superman and run to him. I miss climbing onto his bed and into his arms and forgetting all my stresses for a moment. Most days I'm ok but there are moments where it hits me hard that though he is there- he isn't. Knowing he loves me sometimes sustains me but there are days when I want and need more. I'm not waiting for him per se, but I am. I only want to be with him. I am hoping that he will straighten out his life and we will indeed get back together. He holds my heart. Even if I wanted to see someone else and Lord knows I can't even fathom that, the truth of the matter is that I love him and until that changes- here I am. I'm not ready to move on; I can't. It's almost like being a long distance relationship sometimes except of course he's no longer my boyfriend. He's always there via phone or email but I can't put my hands on him and today is a day I really would have liked to be able to hug him. Until my heart says otherwise though...here I wait. I know God will work this all out...I can clearly see him working in me and in Superman. Today is a day this totally sucks.
Chrisette Michele-All I Ever Think About Listen Here
My window is open and I am listening to the sound of the rain. I think I am finally learning to enjoy it a little bit, or maybe this storm isn't as as wild as the last few we've had. In any case, I am thrilled there is no thunder. As much as I look forward to the weekends as soon as they arrive I find myself bored and lonely. My baby sis who is usually hanging around during the week works closing shifts on the weekends so I generally find myself all alone. I had plans to go hiking with some friends this morning but oversleeping and rain (again) prevented that. Besides, I hate the idea of having to drive to LA to hang out all the time. I woulda woke up at the crack of down, drove an hour, hiked till I was exhausted and then drove home in the pouring rain. In retrospect, I'm glad I overslept. Even if I had made it, I woulda been home by noon and still had plenty of hours left in my day to be bored.
My apartment is far too quiet and I have too much time to think. After the constant email interaction with Superman and the office chatter with my co-workers during the week Saturday and Sunday can be a big let down. Today I rearranged my storage closet and got rid of a few more boxes that have been in my dining room. I abhor clutter so I felt some peace getting some stuff moved around. I've watched a movie or two, slept and surfed the net. I've begun a little work on my vision board and am looking forward to completing it. Tomorrow I need to hit the grocery store and get my food ready for the week. Other than that I have nothing exciting planned. I might pick up a few movies but since I am notorious for never returning them, that might not be a great idea.
I just really want one carefree day. One where I don't feel any stress, worry or sadness; where I am not overcome with way too much on my mind. Anxiety is going to be the death of me. I keep trying to get out more often but I honestly haven't had any great prospects. I have tons of associates but no one I really want to go out of my way to spend time with and yet I don't want to be home bored either.
Is it odd that loneliness has already set in? It's been barely a week since we've been together but I guess not knowing if we will be together again makes me miss him that much more. I reminisce upon times we have spent and think about times I want to spend. It's getting cold out and I want to be cuddled up and comfy. I want a kiss. I want to be held. **Sigh** I just don't want these things- I want them from one person in particular.
It is going to be one long winter. I have a bit of time off for the Holidays and I'll be spending them in bed with DVD's and wine but that certainly isn't my first option. I need the day to come where my heart doesn't think of him all the time.
