CityofCyn

Being such a hopeless romantic I thought defining love would be easy but it's not. It's always been hard for me to explain why I love a person, I just know it's a feeling that words simply don't do justice. Love in my opinion, is the desire to endure life's ups, downs, happiness, sadness, fights, stresses, joys, tears, laughter, change and growth with a person who you can't imagine life without. That person could be your S/O, spouse, child, pet...whomever. There is a person I love that completely. It is far from easy and I know that it won't be all roses, butterflies and sunshine but there is no other person I'd rather ride the roller-coaster of life with. Even when I'm mad, I want to quickly fix it and I still want to be near him. That's a first for me cause I come from a long line of grudge holders. Whether I am happy or sad, I want to run to him. He makes my world ok. When his arms are around me- nothing else matters. And when he's sad or stressing the cape comes on and Superwoman kicks in. I would gladly live my entire life putting a smile on his face cause he does the same for me. Sadly, so far this love is not meant to be and I'm as ok with that as I can be. Maybe we will pull it together and live happily ever after but if not- the love that is truly destined to be will be even better and that's a love I cannot yet fathom.

I can't love him the way I want/need to be loved. I have to love him in the way that actually makes him feel loved and I don't think I have been doing that. Why is knowing that and doing it so damn hard?

I feel like I am in self sabotage mode cause that will push me to make a definitive decision and ease the uncertainty that I feel but in the long run that won't help. I have to endure this and get to the end, however that may come.

Today is a day that I wish I didn't love him as much as I do.

Love is so totally worth it but so totally terrifying at the same time.

I'm a lover, not a fighter.

Why can't I make "I love you enough not to hurt you" make sense in my mind?

I dream a lot. Full color vivid dreams and I wake up a mess. No matter how good the dream is I eventually end up sad because I have to go back to reality.

Sometimes Friday night/early Saturday morning I had this amazing dream. It was stunningly beautiful. I was at "home" surrounded by West Indian people. Don't know exactly where or why but I was meeting distant relatives for the first time and it was amazing. I was having so much fun; eating, talking and I felt so incredibly loved. I could feel the culture and breeze, hear the music, taste the food and I just felt like I was where I was always meant to be. My visit was going to end and I was already dreading leaving. There was a lull in the conversation and like I do in reality, whenever I have a quiet second to myself I think too much and get a bit sad. This woman in my dream recognized the sadness in my eyes and hugged me and we went for a walk in this gorgeous garden. We didn't talk much, she just held my hand and we walked. I woke up and realized that the woman in the dream was my Auntie Cecille. I woke up feeling so loved and cared for and so sad because I totally missed these people. I spent the weekend thinking about them from time to time and really wanting to go back. It was a beautiful dream; even now when I think about it the feelings all rush back. So bittersweet.

I walk around with more than enough emotions without carrying around emotions from my dreams as well; it drains me sometimes. It used to be that I'd dream and wake up and instantly forget or that I didn't dream every night and now it seems like even in my sleep my mind is working. Dreams about Superman really suck cause I wake up and he isn't there. At least with him, he does exist in real life.

My weekend was ok, kinda stressful. Superman was a bit stressed this weekend and as I talked to him the tears just fell. I was taken aback by how hurt I was by his stress. When he is down it definitely affects my mood and I always worry about him but this knocked the air out of me. I hate that I add to his load and that I wasn't there to comfort him. I had dozed off and shoulda just got up and went like I wanted too. I'm working through everything I feel and still trying to find what works best for me. Hopefully, peace will come soon.

I'm having a pretty relaxing evening! I LOVE this man!! So fully, so MUCH!!! It is such a struggle to be what he needs me to be right now. I cannot change my heart for anything and Lord knows I have tried. I love him, I LOVE him, I LoVe HiM!! And I'm gonna learn to love him from a distance.

Lord, you know my struggle. You know how completely I love Superman and I ask that you guide me. Allow my intentions to always be pure and with his best interest at heart. Father, I ask that you help me see where you would have me go, what you desire for me at this juncture. Keep walking with both Superman and I. I ask that you take away his pains and struggles, give him strength and courage to do those things he desires most. Amen.

I've got one more day to get ready for the week ahead. I woke up at 6:45 this morning from a vivid dream about Superman. I dream about him just about every night and sometimes a few times. My mind is so active I dream all night long. I don't wake up un-rested but I feel like my mind has been working. I'm pathetic. I'm in a pretty decent mode cause I chatted with my honey last night. I can be totally miserable and all it takes is one little chat with him and I'm ok again. That has got to change. Gotta learn to strike some balance soon or else I'm gonna end up in a padded room. Aunt Flo arrived this morning which might explain the strong emotions over the last few days.



I keep seeing commercials for Omarosa and Donald Trump's new show, Ultimate Merger. First of all, I am sick of these dating shows. Second, I could never do this. I've never been able to date more than one person at a time. I know you have to determine what you like and who you have chemistry with, but I just can't fathom If I like a person, but it just seems messy to have a munch of folks vying for your attention. How many are putting up fronts to impress you because they know they have a ton of competition. I want to get to know a man and spend time with him. If I meet a new person they either trump the other person or don't measure up and so I still end up dating one person. I have never been able to date someone for the sake of dating them. If I don't like them I won't go out much less spend time on the phone. I certainly can't see really liking and kissing a bunch of people thinking that when all is said and done I could pick who would be best for me. I'd be terrified that I'd pick the wrong person and knowing my luck- I definitely would. I'm a romantic at heart and I still believe that my fairy tale is coming. Hell, I've seen it and experienced it- we just work on pulling the ending together.

I think I'm gonna paint my toenails today and take it easy because when the alarm goes off in the morning I'm gonna wish I could stay in bed. My goals for the week are 2 workouts and vitamins every day. With Aunt Flo in town I'm gonna be exhausted and curled up with cramps so I doubt I'll accomplish much else.

I should be thrilled to have a 3 day weekend but as with all my weekends lately, I dread it. It hasn't been horrible but at the back of my mind is always sadness and thoughts of Superman. My sis and I took my mom for drinks to celebrate her new house. It is all official and I am so proud of my mommy. We then went and hung out at my aunt's house. My other aunt, granny, cousins, and baby cousin Sloan were all there.



My cousins asked me to be godmother to Sloan and of course I said yes. I am thrilled. I LOVE Sloan. She is such a gorgeous and sweet baby. We could hear moving around on her baby monitor and I go to get her and she is sitting right up in bed, wide-eyed. She reached her little arms out to me to be picked up and when I did she clung to me so tightly, cuddled with me and rested her head in my neck. It was such a good feeling. She makes my ovaries twinge!! In addition to my hilariously cute nieces and nephews, I had my precious baby cousin to share my love with.


Superman's cell phone is broken and it has been hard not to be able to text and chat with him all day. I am sure it was a much needed break for us both. I chilled in bed ALL day except for running out to get some food. I didn't have the energy or desire to do anything, I just wanted to be with him. I can't be happy knowing things aren't right and yet I can't feel secure in walking away either. It just doesn't feel right. As much as I try to detach I haven't been able to. I haven't been able to stop loving him or even distract myself. By now I should be bored, fed up, trying to replace him, or at least be ready to say f*ck it and move on but I'm not. I'm just hopelessly in love. This man is everything; my friend, my love, my support, my laughs....more than I ever dreamed and more than enough for me. Until that changes, here I am. Luckily my counselor doesn't think I have to make a definitive decision just yet and she agrees that he is wonderful too, but she's right I have to be content with whatever I choose to do. I think I am choosing to stay and kinda live in limbo indefinitely but I have to be way more comfortable with that decision than I am. It's not that I doubt his love- I wonder if he will ever feel comfortable and happy enough to commit to being mine again. Even typing that takes my breath away. I don't want to love him in vain and I definitely don't want to keep loving him and watching him hurt. I want things to get better. It hurts and scares me that he doesn't see what I see, that he doesn't want what I want, that I can't fix this. I just want to heal his hurts and be enough to inspire him to live and love life, and to keep loving me.

Superman is worth it, I know that without a shadow of a doubt! I'm willing to hang in there....if that doesn't work then I'll have to just let it all go.

I woke up this morning with the absolute most handsome loving man next to me. My heart swelled as I opened my eyes and there he was. I snuggled in closer and dozed back off, fully content in that moment and savoring every second that it would last; not caring that it would eventually end. After a few sweet kisses he was on his way and I slept just a bit longer. I didn't want to get up and start my day....I wanted to just relax in the bed he had just been in and revel in the time we had together.

I made it to work and poured out my feelings in a letter, saved it and proceeded to get to work. Days like this are the best, I'm content and happy. My sadness and anxiety will most likely rise with the sun in the morning but it's worth it to get just a few moments of paradise and reprieve. Besides, whether I see him or not I miss him and love him all the same.

Last night Superman and I had a great convo. It was one where we touched on some deep subjects but it wasn't the highly emotionally charged argumentative discussions that we've had far too many of lately. It was just nice to talk and listen. When we just get to be, with no stress or worries, I am reminded that I love him and he loves me. Like love him so much I'd walk away from him and never look back if I knew he would be happy. Like loves me so much no matter how much I try to deny it- I can't. Even with that, I can't think about that too much. I walk around telling myself all day that he doesn't want to be with me and to move on cause if I focus on the love that I know is there I'll never let go. I can't let the what if's dominate my thoughts or wonder too long about how things would be perfect if he quit waiting for this perfect timing. I'll never give him the room to decide what he truly wants if I can't take a step back. It sucks but it's the truth. Despite the bond I know we share if he can't make decisions for himself I can't expect him to make them for us. Believe me- in the game of patience he'd win so I have to look out for me. I'm starting to dream of happily after ever far less often.

In these moments where we are cool and I am reminded of his love for me I am so content. I wish this feeling would last longer. I wish we could get it together...

A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man must seek Him in order to find her.

So, I'm getting lost. Working on me. Trying to be better. Striving to be ready. Hoping with an expectant heart!

I hate that I feel so guilty.
I hate that I can't stop thinking about him.
I hate that I can't predict the future.
I hate that I get so frustrated.
I hate that I'm so hesitant.
I hate that I drive him crazy.
I hate that I miss him so much.
I hate that I can't not talk to him.
I hate that I procrastinate.
I hate that I can't just go with the flow.
I hate not knowing how to let a man be a man.
I hate that we just can't be.
I hate that we are even "here."
I hate not seeing him.
I hate owing the IRS.
I hate not making more money.
I hate not having a career.
I hate that I want to be so much more but can't quite figure out how.
I hate.....




I love him!! And the more I ask God to take my love for him away if he isn't the man God has in store for me- the deeper I fall it seems.