CityofCyn

I'm not sure what exactly I am supposed to write, I assume maybe my most memorable moment?? I'm just gonna list a few moments that stand out in my mind.

-The moment I laid eyes on my nephew. I was with my sister as she had her C-section and was the first person besides the doctors to lay eyes on him. I also captured his very first pictures.

-4 days after I was married my ex donated his kidney to his cousin. I will never forget that moment in the waiting room when the call came from the OR that the ex was just fine in recovery and even though the surgery wasn't yet complete the kidney was functioning in his cousin. I truly saw the miracle of medicine and the hand of God upon the doctors. That is a day I will never forget.

-The day my grandfather died. I had just left his side after staying there all night and as soon as he had a few moments alone, he slipped away. He was under hospice care and so we called all the family before calling the funeral home and it basically all day before his body was picked up. I helped my aunt remove the pillow that had propped up his body and I kissed and touched him. I had never been that close to a dead body and I remember being so sad yet so happy he was no longer in pain. I am forever grateful for the time to process his death and be with him.

-Graduating. I graduated HS early and didn't opt to wait a year to walk across the stage. While my college graduations are now ruined by who I shared those moments with, I still take great pride in those moments. I wasn't a traditional student and I went to great distances to finally get my AA and then my BA. Hearing my name and crossing that stage is an indescribable feeling.

-This is going to sound extremely cliche- but EVERY.SINGLE.MOMENT with Superman. I have never known a love like this. Every single moment leaves me breathless and amazed that this gorgeous man of God loves me. Every moment feels like the first. Despite the ups and downs he makes sure I know that I am loved and though I know he struggles, I never doubt his love. Whether he is mine when all is said and done remains to be seen, but the moments we share in the here and now touch me to my heart and soul.

My BFF SL1 is pretty awesome. We met at junior college and after a little over week in Washington visiting our "boyfriends" we were inseparable and the rest is history. My BFF is pretty awesome. She's smart, silly, independent and totally gorgeous. Right after being my maid of honor she was deported to Canada. She had been here since elementary school but her parents had never gotten her citizenship. She had to apply again on her own at 18 and I guess they decided it was time for her to go. She and her younger sister had to move to Canada all by themselves for 5 years. They left all their family and friends for a virtually unknown place and distant relatives. Not surprisingly my BFF became stronger for her experience. She made the most of it, embarked on an amazing career and when she finally got approval to return, she came home. Now she is back here with me. Our relationship is different now but still one of my most cherished. She of course endured the journey of moving far away by herself and I endured infidelity and my divorce without her physical presence. What I love most about our relationship is that we are always honest and never judgmental. I tell her everything and we confide our deepest fears to each other. We don't have to talk every single day but when we need each other we are right there. She's my strength when I don't have any and she knows me even when I am hiding behind a smile. I am beyond blessed to have her.

My other BFF is my older sister. She's one of the few people who I let see me cry. I might not confide my hurts to her right away but I always end up telling her how I feel. She's a great big sister and though we've had some major fights we always end up friends again. I respect and admire her greatly; she never gives up. People think we look like twins and we are both cry babies. I think she genuinely sees past my superwoman facade and knows when I am hurting and tries her best to make sure that I know she loves me. She has one heck of a temper and I used to be scared to talk to her- but I've learned to just say it cause we always get past it.

My other BFF is SL2. Writing this blog is the first time I realized my 2 Indian BFF's have the same initials. LOL. SL2 is a sweetie. I swear she farts rainbows. She is my constant encourager and motivator and my biggest cheerleader. We met and clicked right away. She always has the time to listen to me and will call me 10 times a day just to check on me. She's a hopeless romantic like me and her mission in life is to help others.

Lastly my final BFF is my Superman. He is the first person I want to call whenever something good or bad happens to me. I love to hear the excitement in his voice when he's happy for me and his arms around me make me feel like I can get through the hardest times. I feel more comfortable talking to him than I have with any man ever. He's never judgmental and he's understanding. He listens and he can disagree with me without making me feel put down or stupid. We share a lot of our fears and hurts with one another and I feel like he truly gets me. I drive him crazy and he loves me anyway. He's a great guy and I am lucky to call him my friend.

Being such a hopeless romantic I thought defining love would be easy but it's not. It's always been hard for me to explain why I love a person, I just know it's a feeling that words simply don't do justice. Love in my opinion, is the desire to endure life's ups, downs, happiness, sadness, fights, stresses, joys, tears, laughter, change and growth with a person who you can't imagine life without. That person could be your S/O, spouse, child, pet...whomever. There is a person I love that completely. It is far from easy and I know that it won't be all roses, butterflies and sunshine but there is no other person I'd rather ride the roller-coaster of life with. Even when I'm mad, I want to quickly fix it and I still want to be near him. That's a first for me cause I come from a long line of grudge holders. Whether I am happy or sad, I want to run to him. He makes my world ok. When his arms are around me- nothing else matters. And when he's sad or stressing the cape comes on and Superwoman kicks in. I would gladly live my entire life putting a smile on his face cause he does the same for me. Sadly, so far this love is not meant to be and I'm as ok with that as I can be. Maybe we will pull it together and live happily ever after but if not- the love that is truly destined to be will be even better and that's a love I cannot yet fathom.

I'm in the SeaTac airport awaiting my flight to home sweet home. Seattle was great. The weather was really nice and its a beautiful green city. Even when its kinda gray and overcast its still surprisingly warm. I definitely wouldn't mind coming back to really see the sights.

The last two days have been really nice. I met Dr. M for drinks and lunch as we watched the World Cup. After that I headed back to afternoon sessions and then we went to the wine bar for before dinner drinks. Working for a Christian institution means that drinking at company functions is forbidden so we had them beforehand. We then headed out to a french dinner at Maximillian. We were overlooking the water and dinner was delicious. I had the smoked salmon appetizer that was a lot more raw looking than I anticipated but it was still yummy. I had the lobster, mashed potatoes and broccoli rabe entree and it was by far the best lobster I've ever had. We hit the wine bar again after dinner. Dr. M has done a good job of keeping me tipsy this entire trip.

The next day I woke up to gray skies and snuggled deeper into the pillows and never got up. I finally ventured out and discovered that despite the clouds it was a very nice day. I strolled in the neighborhood surrounding my hotel and got hit on by 3 black men who wanted to engage me in a long conversation despite me continuing to walk away. I grabbed a salad at Ihop and hightailed it back to my room.

I was kinda quiet contemplative and shed tears a few times watching the First 48 and A Baby Story. I don't know why I was in such a emotional mood. Dr. M called and talked me into meeting his wife and another colleague for more wine so off I went. We met in their room for a glass of Chardonnay and off we went to the wine bar. Again. I had a silver Patron margarita and the grilled prawns in a garlic herb butter that was delish.

I had a great time once again and was glad I got up and out. I love the downtown seattle area. Its so nice to be able to hop in a cab and get out. I'd have so much more of a social life if I lived in an area like this. Dr. G read my palm and although I don't really believe in it, I was pleasantly surprised. She said I have a very strong career line and that I will be successful. She said I open up to people well but that I still need to trust people with my feelings more. She said I had one of the best marriage lines I've seen and that I'd have a long and happy marriage but that I wouldn't get married for a few years yet. The only bad thing was that there was a gap in my health line and that I would have a health problem, possibly major, but I'd get past it and have no problems after that. Ironically I believe something is wrong with me that no doctor can figure out. Our waiter turned out to have the exact same birthday as Superman. What she said about Aqaurians rang so true, at least in my narrow experience. We also talked about my weight and since she counsels patients about weight at clinic she promised to make me her pet project and help me reach my goal weight. I had the wonderful opportunity to get to know my colleagues and I'm glad I did. Being the youngest and the only admin on a trip full of pharmacists meant that I had tons of wine and yummy dinners and I was not allowed to pay for a thing!

This morning I got up and soaked in the jacuzzi tub before packing and heading to the airport. I was able to pray and meditate before starting my day. It was really nice to have Superman always available to chat and it certainly kept me from being lonely. I have a direct flight and will be home in less than 3 hours and I'm anxious to get home. I had a great time and certainly needed the time away but there is no place like home. I founded myself more relaxed and carefree than I had anticipated and I've got lots on my mind and things to figure out but for the moment I'm not anxious about them.

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Seattle has turned out to be pretty nice. I got to my hotel, got checked in and looked around at a gorgeous room and just felt sad. The room is stunning. You walk in the door and to the right are the bathroom and closet. In front is a bar with sink, mini fridge and microwave. The furniture and huge mirrors are dark wood. As you walk around the large wall holding the bar you find the bedroom. There is a huge jacuzzi tub. It could easily hold 2 people nicely. There is a sliding door overlooking the street and on addition to a huge comfy bed with body pillows, there's a remote control fireplace. I climbed onto the bed, grabbed my Teddy bear and tried to relax until it was time to go to the opening reception. I would have loved to share this room and my first visit to this city with someone.

I checked my phone and discovered the sweetest voice note telling me to relax and not worry. We spoke on the phone for a bit as he calmed me and helped me to get comfy enough to just relax. That is just one of his special traits that make him so amazing and so appreciated by me.

I went down to the Opening Reception and met up with my dean to discover a major error on our poster. An error I should have caught. I can't and won't place blame on anyone but myself but with the abundance of family drama, stomach issues and deaths in addition to me navigating my life's changes...my mind has been preoccupied. Even still I should have caught it. We rolled with it anyway and I am quite proud of myself and my colleagues.

The reception was nice. Connected with colleagues and then networked and met a bunch of new people. Though I couldn't have any wine or beer the food more than made up for it. There were a bunch of tables covered in appetizers and deserts. My favorites were the smoked salmon, dungeness crab ceviche and the proscioutto with garlic aioli. I was in heaven. I haven't had smoked salmon in some time and I am already craving more. A few hours later we dined at Bizarro's Italian restaurant as seen on Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives. They had a limited menu and not very much caught my eye but I had the juciest most tender Chicken Picatta and shared the Chocolate Vessuvius for desert. I saw a few of the sites as we headed back to my hotel.

As soon as I walked in I kicked off my clothes, filled the tub and turned on the fireplace. I adore baths. I soak multiple times a week and let me tell you, this jacuzzi tub is to die for. I soaked and relaxed and chatted with Superman. After my bath I got into my PJ's and slid between the sheets to continue chatting. I feel asleep with a smile on my face feeling loved!

Hi guys!! I am still here. I have been so exhausted!!! I had a busy weekend and I am still trying to recover.

The LAKERS won yet again. I gave myself a migraine being so stressed and on pins and needles about the final game. Who knew I would be more than an occasional sports fan. I've always watched games if someone else was watching but now I actually turn them on when I am all alone and sit and yell at my TV. I'm ready for football season to start.

My co-worker that I mentioned had her double mastectomy. Believe it or not her hospital stay was only 24 hours and being that she was all alone I took her home with me. There was just no way I was sending her home alone with drains and wounds to tend to as well as a variety of meds around the clock. I couldn't believe that they would kick you out of the hospital that quickly after major surgery knowing you are all by yourself, the mental/emotional affects of that surgery alone should afford you another day or two in the hospital alone. My co-worker pretty slept except for eating and watching a bit of TV. I slept on the floor in my living room and got up every 4 hours to tend to her meds. I don't know how parents do (though I'm almost ready to find out) because I am still worn out. I got to sleep but having it broken up in chunks leaves you groggy and I am too old and beat up to be sleeping on the floor, my poor body can't take it. I took her home Monday, went to therapy and then went straight home and climbed into bed.

Sunday we had my nephews 1st birthday celebration as well as his baby blessing. It was very nice to have all of the family together and my lil brother was so overjoyed to have us all gather for Father's Day, his first with his 1 year old son. While I am sad that he and the mother of his child are not together, I can see his commitment to being a good father and I am proud of the man he is growing to be. Since I got to focus on my brother I didn't have much time to dwell on my lack of a father. My mind was on Superman though and how he was coping.

Therapy was good this week. It was tough and I went in feeling good but left in tears. They weren't necessarily bad tears though. I'm just tired and frustrated and sad. I'm making progress and keeping up with the mini goals I set for myself each time my therapist and I meet which is a good thing. I just have to keep doing what I need for myself and the rest will fall into place. That I know for sure, I just gotta quit being so anxious about it all. Superman is on the verge of setting his counseling appointment and that makes me very happy. Going through it all myself it can be a bit embarrassing and scary but I'm so glad I made the decision to go talk to someone cause it definitely helps.

Emotionally things are...things. Nothing really new to report. The last week or so seemed really tense but I think we both had so much going we weren't trying to burden each other. I was just trying to let him but I honestly don't know how not to communicate with him cause it doesn't come naturally at all. I know he needs space to work through things but we talk so much not doing so feels weird to us both. I think we've kinda fallen back into our comfortable little groove and that's fine by me. I feel a little more content and I just get this feeling that things will be ok eventually. Time will tell.

I made my dentist, dermatology and eye doctor appointments. So far I've seen the dentist and I see he derm on Monday. I was so not pleased with my dental appointment and for the first time in my life I have cavities. I'll be getting them filled in July, I hate the dentist so I pray it doesn't hurt. I gotta step up my flossing game and cut back on the Coke. The dentist shoved this magnifying mirror in my face to show me my teeth and seeing my face that up close and personal made me sad. I know it was greatly magnified but every pimple, scar and hair stood out and I hated it. All I could think was that this is what Superman sees when he's curled up next to me, he must be blind. I guess I should just be happy that he' still hanging around. I'm even more excited for my derm appointment cause I want to find something that works on this acne of mine.

All in all it's been a good week. I'm off tomorrow so I can mourn Michael Jackson and watch his videos all day. I'm pretty sure I'll see Superman this weekend and I am hoping it all goes well.

I dream a lot. Full color vivid dreams and I wake up a mess. No matter how good the dream is I eventually end up sad because I have to go back to reality.

Sometimes Friday night/early Saturday morning I had this amazing dream. It was stunningly beautiful. I was at "home" surrounded by West Indian people. Don't know exactly where or why but I was meeting distant relatives for the first time and it was amazing. I was having so much fun; eating, talking and I felt so incredibly loved. I could feel the culture and breeze, hear the music, taste the food and I just felt like I was where I was always meant to be. My visit was going to end and I was already dreading leaving. There was a lull in the conversation and like I do in reality, whenever I have a quiet second to myself I think too much and get a bit sad. This woman in my dream recognized the sadness in my eyes and hugged me and we went for a walk in this gorgeous garden. We didn't talk much, she just held my hand and we walked. I woke up and realized that the woman in the dream was my Auntie Cecille. I woke up feeling so loved and cared for and so sad because I totally missed these people. I spent the weekend thinking about them from time to time and really wanting to go back. It was a beautiful dream; even now when I think about it the feelings all rush back. So bittersweet.

I walk around with more than enough emotions without carrying around emotions from my dreams as well; it drains me sometimes. It used to be that I'd dream and wake up and instantly forget or that I didn't dream every night and now it seems like even in my sleep my mind is working. Dreams about Superman really suck cause I wake up and he isn't there. At least with him, he does exist in real life.

My weekend was ok, kinda stressful. Superman was a bit stressed this weekend and as I talked to him the tears just fell. I was taken aback by how hurt I was by his stress. When he is down it definitely affects my mood and I always worry about him but this knocked the air out of me. I hate that I add to his load and that I wasn't there to comfort him. I had dozed off and shoulda just got up and went like I wanted too. I'm working through everything I feel and still trying to find what works best for me. Hopefully, peace will come soon.

Friday was super duper emotional for me. I woke up very happy and in a good mood. Thursday night I had a good chat with Superman, we prayed and I feel asleep at peace and in love. I curled up with my teddy bear and Superman in my heart. It's funny- it's never been the gifts or nice dinners, I love him best when he is simply being him. When he's happy, calm and his adorable self my heart swells. I love him so deeply and a part of me always will. I walked into work ready to face the day.

As I got to my desk my co-worker walked in teary eyed. As I hugged her I could hear her sniffling and I told her to just cry if she needed to. She told me it was the one year anniversary of her mother's death and she wailed. Loud anguished sobs from deep down inside her broken heart. Sobs that echoed through the halls in our building and I just held her as tears welled up in my own eyes. Not only was she trying to deal with mourning her mom, in less than a week she would be in the hospital facing a double mastectomy. I felt so sad for all that she was going through. Suddenly, I needed Superman, I wanted to be held and I wanted to hold him. I couldn't help but that think that twice in his life he had felt that gut wrenching deep to the soul pain of losing a parent. I wanted to kiss him and erase every pain he had ever felt. I was overwhelmed. My problems and hurts seems so insignificant and for a second I felt badly for even being sad lately. I ended up feeling a torent of emotions. I was amazed at how God works. I was so grateful for the opportunity to be there to comfort her and to be a blessing in her time of need. It ministered to my heart. I'm usually a quiet praiser, the kinda person that sits in church and just lets the tears fall, but I wad feeling a lot and if I was home or somewhere alone I probably would have shouted.

After work my co-worker and I grabbed lunch and we just talked. Before I knew it we had been talking for more than 3 hours. She confided a lot of her hurts in me and I just listened. For some reason she has let me into her life and I had the knowledge and resources to help her through this journey. She told me she buried her mother all ALONE. She literally stood at the graveside all by herself with no one around but a mortuary worker as her mother was committed to the earth. I knew her mother was sick, I knew she passed but I never for a moment thought she was going through it all alone. It made me wonder what my co-workers go through daily that I have no idea about. I promised to go visit my co-worker in the hospital and take her to follow up appointments and since she is so private and used to being alone I volunteered to coordinate the other co-workers who might want to drop off gifts and food.

I don't know what God's plan is but this is the 2nd time I've walked a breast cancer journey with someone who for the most part was alone. My homegirl had plenty of friends and family but she lived in California while they all lived in the south. In between her visits from her mom and granny she had to battle by herself and I did what I could. I know my gift is that I am a nurturer and a caregiver but I get the distinct feeling that I am being led in a specific direction; maybe this is why I was led to the breast cancer foundation in the first place. Time will tell. I certainly enjoy helping and I'm grateful for the opportunity but it can be draining and fulfilling all at the same time.

I selfishly told Superman that I wanted to spend time with him even though we just spent a lot of time together last week. I shoulda left it alone after he said he wasn't sure but that he was thinking of relaxing at home. I usually try to adjust to what he needs but hell, if I don't ask I won't know. I know it stressed him cause he feels bad about not giving me what I want. That wasn't my intent though, my intent is never to stress him but it keeps happening. It wasn't so much that he wanted to relax at home but that he was gonna come buy and pick up something and not stay. I don't like seeing him and not getting to really enjoy his company. This is where living in limbo gets hard- there are days where I just need him and I can't really explain why. My day was emotional and I just needed his comfort and as much as he'd give it if I asked and really said I needed it, he doesn't have to and I end up feeling guilty for even asking. Since I love him so much, I never not to want to see him. I just have to learn to cope better on my own.

I've laid low today and kinda kept to myself. Every time I try not to cause conflict it seems like that's exactly what I do and my honey is too sweet to tell me that I am driving him crazy. I think he needs his space and I'm gonna try and give it to him. Dealing just seems to get harder and harder. We go for periods of time with no conflict and then it seems like back to back conflicts. I KNOW he loves me and I know in another time and place things would be perfect but they aren't and it hurts. Sometimes I want reassurance but he doesn't owe that to me. *sigh*

So is it bad that I want to cuddle Superman again? I miss him! This week has been stressful for the both of us and we seem to be riding roller coasters at different times. When he's up, I'm down and vice versa. It makes me sad when he is sad and I want to switch into Superwoman mode. That man is my heart, I just want things to be ok!

I've been thinking long and hard about Superman I. Thinking about some things that were brought to my attention and I again find myself thinking I can live in limbo for this guy. What we share is so special no matter what we call it. He is SO worth it and I see him trying his best to get it together. The one thing I know is that I wanna be there to support him no matter what. My mind is always in circles over it and my tummy stays in knots. I think I've done well this week in not beating him over the head with things and just letting things be, I hope that helps some.

My devotional the other night was Myth: If I Pray About my Problem it Will Go Away. I am so guilty of thinking that because I prayed (and prayed and prayed) my problem should be wiped away. I hate to think that God's answer is NO or WAIT, especially when I want something so badly. I think my answer right now is WAIT but I'm not 100% sure. It could also be NO and that would break me. The blessing is that even with no and wait as answers God turns everything around for our good. That I know for sure.

I suck at this!!! Working through an issue should give me some peace but it instead seems to leave my mind working overtime. I found myself up way past midnight last night and I tossed and turned. I'm trying to be better and I'm trying to be the strong independent Cyn I know myself to be but... I know what I need to do and what I want to do; it just does not seem to come easy nowadays. I gave in and whined to Superman today even though I didn't want to. I hate myself for doing it. I want to be strong enough to handle it on my own and not dump my emotions in his lap. I spoke to someone whose opinion I value tremendously and I think I received some sage advice. I gotta get far more REAL men on my team, cause his help was invaluable. Nothing I don't think I really didn't know, but sometimes hearing it from someone else helps. I still struggle with putting it into practice though. Everyday I get up and I try my hardest though. One day the princess shall reign victorious. Until that day....*sigh*

I'm working on my budget again and staring at these numbers is driving me crazy. Makes me want to scream. I have some ideas on how I can move ahead careerwise but of course these things take time and I of course have to get people on board with my ideas; I'm optimistic though. I also believe my volunteer jobs are leading me to a place I have always wanted to be. I would need to take a few classes and invest in a new computer and software but it's my passion and it would be well worth it. I'm trying to remember that it's never too late to step out on Faith and follow your dreams. I've written down and I've thought about it numerous times- maybe I just need to go for it. I'm anxiously awaiting some info from school as well, so that has my tummy nervous.

I'm working on my relationship review today. I answered these questions last week but I went over them again and added to them. I got these over at Think, Pretty, Smart.

RELATIONSHIP REVIEW
1. What did you do RIGHT?
2. What did you do WRONG?
3. How did you handle things differently based on what you learned from previous relationships?
4. Do you remember the moment you felt things were going downhill? How did you handle it? If you feel that way again in your next relationship, how will you handle it next time?
5. Are their any traits in the recent ex that other ex's share? Is there a reason why you keep choosing men with that/those characteristics? Did that/those trait play a part in the relationship not working?
6. What things did you/them compromise on? Did this compromise help or hurt?
7. Was there an equal distribution? (i.e. he spent most of the money, you spent most of the effort, etc.)
8. Would you go back? Why? Why not? (Remember this one)
9. Did it end because of problems between the two of you or other reasons? If you take those other reasons out, would you still be together?
10. Can you be friends? If not, why? If so, how will this begin?
11. How can I avoid this in the future?
12. Would I have wanted this to continue?
13. Am I damaged? Is there something wrong with me?
14. What's my lesson?

My what I did wrong is longer than what I did right! But hell, lesson learned.