CityofCyn

It's the weekend. Again. As much as I look forward to them I hate them just as much. I try to do as much as I can so as to not be bored but I'm really not in the mood to do anything but read and watch movies. I'm gonna run errands with my mommy later and then we're bbq'ing at her house tomorrow. I'd rather stay in my bed but I'm gonna get up and enjoy myself.

I haven't had the opportunity to start my financial prosperity book but I have been thoroughly blessed by the other blogger's posts. I know where my financial difficulties and habits come from and I am really thinking about how I can change them. I've been come a long way already in how and when I pay my bills and I'm quite proud of myself.

Emotionally, I'm working on changing my thoughts. I gotta quit thinking of Superman all the time. I talk to myself all the time to redirect my thoughts. I probably look crazy walking around muttering to myself but all day but it helps. I'm anxiously awaiting the day I wake up and things are ok but I hate the idea that what I want is not going to be. That makes me sad. It's hell trying to cut back on communicating with him and I want to see him so badly. It won't always be like this though.

Things are looking up in CynCity. For the first time in a week I feel human again. I'm still sick but I feel better than I can remember in awhile. I'll be glad when I stop coughing though. It's Admin Professional's Day today and I received a Gerbera Daisy plant and a Star of Bethlehem plant, a starbucks card, a Lucille's BBQ gift card, and free breakfast. I must day it's been a pretty decent day.

I must say things are well. I need to go buy a few dresses this weekend cause my slacks no longer fit. They keep sliding off my azz and it feels like my entire butt is out when I sit down. I felt like such a bum walking around pulling them up all day. I don't physically see much difference but it's apparent in my clothes.

I sat and paid my bills today and there was enough money in my account! I'm being way better about doing what needs to be done although I could do a lot better. I need to plan my meals instead of these random trips to the grocery store where I buy a lot of stuff I probably don't need and probably won't even get around to using. I'd like to save but paying Uncle Sam comes first. Hopefully I can get that outta the way and really buckle down. I'd like at least 3 months of expenses in the bank and to really start paying off crap on my credit.

I've got some stuff to turn in at school and hopefully that situation will be all squared away by the end of the summer. I am keeping my fingers crossed. If it is- grad school here I come!!!

I got all the repairs in my apartment made and they even cleaned my carpet!! If all goes well I might have a new bed and couch before months end and I'll be so much more comfy....until the baby brother comes but that's a story for another day.

For the most part, things are getting better but my heart is still heavy. I have every reason to be happy and for the most part I am but.... I can't really find words. I'm unsettled and I'm not sure if it's a good thing or bad.

Superman has been heavy on my mind and heart. I think he's in for a revelation. In fact, I'm sure of it! I keep watching him grow and evolve too. I know God is working on me. And I can see and feel the growth...He's a part of me. Can't shake him. He makes me better. He has had such a positive impact on my life. I love him!!!!! So much....A small part of me is cautiously optimistic but for the most part I'm resigned to loving him from a distance. I can't change it- it just is.

I don't think I had a point in my mind for this post....Just getting my thoughts out.

So this flu has really kicked my ass. I went to work for about 2 hours to take care of a few pressing items and check in with my boss who sent me right back home. I went to the grocery store for more juice, soup and fruit and by the time I was back in bed, I felt like crap. Those few hours up and about set me back. I thought I was on my way to being better but I'm not so sure. I'm glad I have the weekend to recoup because I need to be at work on Monday. I have my awards ceremony in 2 weeks and I need to finalize all of the details and be sure everything is in place.



I got my Netflix streaming disk for the Wii and I love it. I've watched a bunch of stuff already and it makes me feel better about being in bed. Jesus Camp spooked me!! I'm not quite as bored as I could be. I also grabbed 2 books from Barnes and Nobles' sale section and a few note pads. I've got books, bible, bible study guide, laptop, notebooks, scissors, magazines, volunteer apps to process and my Wii remote and this is where I'll be posted up until I feel human again. I've been trying to guilt my mom into making me a pot of soup but she is recovering from a cold as well. My lil' sis JJ has been taking pretty good care of me though and I'm grateful for her.

As usual, I have lots on my mind but I'm sorting through it all and doing lots of writing and praying. Despite what I want- God's will will be done so I'm just working on me so that when my blessing arrives- I'll recognize it and be ready for it. I am still sad though....

This pretty little head of mine has been working overtime. I've been discovering so much about myself and growing closer to God in the process. I'm learning a lot about me; who I am and most importantly who I'm not. Learning about my limitations, strengths and what I am willing to put up with. I've been keeping my thoughts and feelings close to my heart. I've started a million posts and they are piling up in my drafts folder but I think I can put together a coherent post before the weekend ends. But it is safe to say, All is WELL in CynCity.

Today has been full of deep thought, journaling, prayer, meditation and even a few tears. I can't say that my mind isn't still spinning but I feel a bit more calm. In this moment, my heart is settled.

Psalms 23
The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul:
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name' sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: For thou art with me;
Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies;
Thou annointest my head with oil; My cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever.

Cute as A Bunny Challenge
So I only lost 1.1 lbs last week and I'm trying not to be sad about it. I know my endurance is increasing and overall I feel better but I wanna see the scale dropping. As far as I can tell I might be up a pound or 2 this week and I am really not pleased about that. My official weigh in day is Sunday so we'll see how that goes. I know I haven't had breakfast every day this week and I haven't been quite as active but I've stuck pretty close to my diet.



Weekend
My weekend was a bit emotional but pretty chill. I attended a baby shower for my nephew-in-law against my better judgment after my sis reassured me that it was ok and that she really wanted me there. I battled rain, car issues and traffic to get there. She and my nephew were genuinely happy to see me and I was just as happy to see them. As I began to help decorate and setup my sis told me that my ex was on his way and he was not at all thrilled that I was there; some of the rest of the family wasn't either. I'm sure he was probably bringing his girl and I can understand his displeasure to an extent but a part of me thought it was silly. In any case, I neglected to stay and left before he arrived. I never got to see my nieces or mommy-in-law and I was quite sad about that. My sis almost cried when I told her I was leaving and she just kept saying "this isn't fair, it's not supposed to be like this." Lesson learned. My large dysfunctional family consists of plenty of current wives/girls/mother of children and the all of the ex's as well. I grew up and never once saw my mom fight with any of my dad's wives. Family is family to me. I'll just make time for my sis-in-law and her kids when the entire family isn't involved.

After the baby shower I went to my cousin's art show. Just about the entire family showed up which was really nice. I love being around my family. I spent plenty of time with my baby cousin Sloan curled up on my chest. We hung out at the cafe for about 3 hours or so and then I went for dinner and drinks with my uncle, cousin and brother. Watching the men in my family scope out women was quite hilarious and I had a great time. Despite all I had to do Saturday, Sunday was quiet and I felt kinda lonely.

Stuff...
As always my mind is working overtime. I have so much to think about and figure out and I don't know where to start. My mind is constantly going. I think I am sleeping. I know I fall asleep and I wake up off and on but I think I sleep but then I wake up so unrested. I fight with my alarm EVERY single morning. I'm sad off and on and of course I feel bad for being so hard on Superman. I replay over and over in my head all the great times, stress over the bad ones (esp. my part in them) and just generally think and care about his well being and what's going on his life. There are just so many things that are not ideal and I keep trying hard to fix them but nothing seems to be working. I'm trying hard to be patient and just let go but I'm not doing good job at it. I hate not being in control. I just wanna be happier far more often than I'm sad. I am blessed to be loved though and I hope to never lose sight of that again.

Today was a slightly strange day. Besides my mind being overloaded I felt kinda sad. I woke up with 3 pimples and a wide range of emotions so I assume my body is preparing for Aunt Flo's return. I wanted to be told I was loved, even though I was just told yesterday and I wanted to be called baby or dollface. That thought gave way to the realization that the pet names have pretty come much to a stop and that made me feel worse. I'm still amazed at how much things have changed and sometimes I'm shocked at how much I can still be affected by it. Little by little though I am getting over it. Since I didn't know exactly what I was feeling or why, I just kept it to myself. I knew it would eventually pass.

All the way home I tried to sort out what I was feeling but I just really wanted to get home and run. I needed to clear my mind and feel my heart beat hard in my chest. I got home, cleaned the bathroom, waited on the baby sis to get home and we went for our run. I ran hard! I ran further and for a MUCH longer period of time than ever before. I was thrilled. I took out my frustrations on the pavement and just pushed myself. If I didn't get a cramp in my side I woulda kept going. It felt so good. My body is craving exercise now and I can feel the changes in my ability and endurance and it makes me want to keep it up. I had an amazing dinner that included 4 servings of veggies and now I am getting comfy.

There is still a lot on my mind and a lot of feelings to digest but I feel a lot more calm. I'm not nearly as overwhelmed but I am itching to get out there and run again. It's supposed to rain tomorrow but I hope the rain holds out until I get my run in. I am so grateful that I've found something that serves not only as a way to get healthy and lose weight but as an out outlet for my emotions.

My mind is on overload this week. Not really in a stressful way, but at any given time I have a million and one thoughts in my head; me, dieting, moving, giving up, cooking, working out, weight, my family, Superman, have I handled this situation correctly, will he stop loving me, loneliness, trying to fall outta love, going out more, school, work, volunteering, redecorating, finances, bills, 2nd job, did I say the wrong thing, my future, my past, my to do list, Bible study, church, trying to build my faith & spirituality, my life's purpose, where I"ll be in the next 5 years, if I am destined to be an old lady with 50 cats as her only companions..... As you can see there is a lot going on in this pretty little head of mine. I'm trying to work on a million things at one- but that's the multitasker in me. I wanna improve so many things and tackle so many tasks and there just aren't enough hours in the day and I don't have the powers to speed up the process. There is just enough to keep me on edge and not sleeping soundly but not enough for panic attacks and impulsive actions...yet!

I'm just focusing my energy on working out and volunteering for the moment otherwise I'll drive my self crazy. Reading the Purpose Driven Life keeps me thinking and every day I am trying to build my Faith and just be the best me but I'm not always sure what that is. Don't know if I need to just relax and be content or keep striving for the things I want. One could argue that love and security are needs and not wants but that's the just tip of the iceberg of what I want. I want to live AND love fulfilled. No matter how simple my life may be I want to be content and full in it. I don't want big things- just to have a good life loving what I do and the people in my life. No matter what, it will come together so I'm trying not to let it get me down. Of course as luck would have it- those who want to willingly throw love and security at me are the ones I don't want it from. I love to joke about giving up on love and marrying as a business deal- I could never do it though. I'm too much of a romantic for that! I'd take a poor man who believes I hung the moon than a rich man that I'm not passionate about ANY DAY!!

My sis-in-law invited me to my nephew's baby shower and I am so torn about going. I love my sis-in-law and her kids VERY much. They spent so much time at my house that they are practically my kids. Problem is the rest of her family hasn't been friendly and I have not seen the majority of them since before me and the ex split. It will be awkward for sure but my sis really wants me to come. Decisions, decisions......!

My weekend was pretty nice. I didn't do anything special except stay curled up with my heating pad as Aunt Flo wreaked havoc on my uterus. I watched a lot of TV, read, slept, thought and prayed. I prayed a LOT!! As always my thoughts went through a lot of topics, Superman included, but it wasn't the anxious stomach hurting thinking I usually do. It was calm and a lot more logical than my brain is accustomed to. Of course, I came to no real clear conclusions because I can only control my actions and feelings but for the time being I am fine. The hopeless romantic in me still lives!!!



I did decide that I am going to be diligent in my budgeting and try to move when my lease is up to somewhere that is more comfortable and way more safe. I'll admit that I moved here for a variety of reasons, including hoping it would be a haven for Superman. It was not first on my list of places to live but it was one of the most affordable. I'm not sure if I can afford a nicer place but I'm gonna explore all of my options and see what happens. I wish I had a good reliable friend that I could share rent with but I don't believe I know anyone. Maybe my little sis will come home from SC ready to be a responsible adult A roommate would be extremely helpful, especially since there is so much I need to save for. If it turns out that I am stuck here than I will do what I can to make this place as much of a home as I can.

I also have to figure out this school thing. My job will reimburse me for 2 courses but I have to pay for them and get passing grades, which leaves me back at square one. I am praying that God will reveal a plan to me.

I have to finish these course evaluation reports at work that I absolutely hate but I am determined to have an amazing week. I wake up without fail between 4 and 4:30 AM and I am planning to just go ahead and get up and get my day started. Maybe then I won't snooze until I am running late and I can eat breakfast and be sure my lunch is packed and I work out, even if only for 15 minutes, every morning. We'll see how it goes.

I am feeling extremely optimistic and ambitious right now about so many things!!! I am getting so much out of the Purpose Driven Life this time around. I'm gonna ride this wave as long as I can!!

Motivation to me, is them telling me what I could not be, oh well
Im so ambitious, I might hit two sisters,
Hey im on a mission, no matter what the conditions
Fuck the personal issues, when u go what I been thru,
hey, if you believe it, then you can conceive it

90% of the guys I've dated have all come back at some point in time apologizing for the way they treated me, today was one of those days. I've heard, "I didn't appreciate what I had when I had you", "you've always looked out for me and been an amazing friend" and "I knew you were a great woman I just wasn't ready to stop playing games." Whenever they get screwed over and tired of the drama they come looking for the woman who had their back from the very beginning, the woman who weathered every storm with them. I've always given 200% in relationships and I've rarely gotten that in return. It never fails that somewhere along the way I get a phone call or email telling me what a good woman I am. I know I am a good woman but I am so tired of being the right woman at the wrong time. I know God has his own timing but I feel like mine might not ever come, that I might have screwed up my one chance or that I'll always be the good woman who never seems to be good enough.