CityofCyn

I had good intentions for coming home today. Clean the fridge, put away laundry, clean the bathroom, put up bookshelves, and the list goes on and on. I turned on the TV and climbed into bed. I dozed off and on but I got up at 8 something and started doing some of the things I wanted to get done this weekend. I put up the bookshelves and cleared up the junk that had been piling up on the corner of my bed. I got bold and went ahead and glued down my vision board. I don't know why I've been so scared to finalize it but I finally did. I have a great life and I'm working towards making it that much greater but I fear that one part will be missing. Gotta get past this fear. My vision board is now hanging in my room where I can stare it on a daily basis. Instead of staring at the walls when I'm tossing and turning I can stare at what I want my life to be. Write it down. Visualize it. Make it happen!!!

I'm gonna put pictures up tomorrow and finish organizing which is funny since I may be moving in 3 months. Oh well, better late than never. As long as I can be more comfortable and feel at peace that's all that matters. If things work out the way I am hoping I'll have more space when I move and I'll even save a tiny bit. Lord willing it will happen, if not I'll just continue to settle in here and make the best of it. I'm gonna finish my budget tomorrow and I have an appointment with my retirement fund next week. Even if I only put $10 a pay period in there I need to put something. My employer contributes every month and they even match contributions so I need to do my part. First though is getting an emergency fund established.

I'm still on a bit of an emotional roller coaster today so I'm just kinda laying low. Haven't really talked to anyone other than my mommy today and I won't call Superman until I am in a better mood. Days like this are when the arguments come and I am not trying to spark one. I just need some quiet time to work through it. I sat here tonight looking through old photos of us- I miss those days so much. It's really late....I need to go to bed.

I started my vision board this weekend and I am excited about it. I've done a few digital ones but this weekend I sat and cut up my magazines. Not surprisingly, the recurrent them was love. Not just romantic love but self love and love for humanity. I'm a giver. I only had fitness magazines and a few Ebony magazines so I'm still in need of more pictures. I'm excited to see what the final product will be and I can't wait to hang it in my room. I feel inspired by it in the midst of the chaos that I feel.



I was kinda hard on myself this weekend. I came to the not so startling revelation that in the last 4 months my heart hasn't changed. I get mad, unhappy, dissatisfied, sad, and lonely but those feelings are not the dominant ones; I still feel a great deal of love. In fact, I am still discovering new reasons why I love him. My feelings remain virtually unchanged and that drives me crazy. I don't feel like that is serving me well but I've been helpless to do anything about it. I've prayed long and hard and yet no change and I don't know what to think about that. There are still far too many moments where I just want things to be the way they used to be. Moments where I'm moved to tears by everything I feel. As much as I'd love to not care I don't want to not care. I'm trying not to stress it though, what will be- will be!