CityofCyn

It's a shitty day in CynCity. Yesterday was kinda up and down and today has started off like crap. I'm trying to fight it off but I'm not sure if I have the energy. You see the roller coaster I'm riding? Just the other day I was all warm and fuzzy and content and today I could stay in bed. I woke up feeling pretty good but traffic pissed me off. I damn near had a melt down in the car. I had to go out of my way on the streets to avoid an accident on the freeway. The entire way folks were cruising like it was Sunday. Why is the speed limit 45 and we are all doing 30? Seriously, it's a work day and I don't know about you but I have somewhere to be.

I sat through 4 green lights at one congested intersection before I finally got to proceed. I'm in the car singing loudly to Goodbye Love on repeat and talking to God in my head. I finally get around the accident hop on the freeway and proceed to get cut off by Julio in his damn gardening truck. I speed along for about 1/2 a mile before I'm staring at red brake lights as traffic stops. I seriously wanted to cry. I had already honked and cussed at Julio like a damn crazy woman. It took everything in me not to turn the hell around and go back home. A nice glass of wine and a hot bath is calling my name. Even more than that- love is calling my name. I need to be curled up in some strong arms- one set of arms in particular.

It's Friday and I am looking forward to the respite from work for a bit (I have to work Sunday evening) I'm not looking forward to the alone time. I've RSVP's for a few events in the coming weeks but since I don't have anyone to go with I'll probably just not go. I'm lonely as hell but not willing to put myself out there and make new friends. How the hell does one do that at this age anyway? *sigh*

Mondays come around so quickly. I am smiling this morning and my day is off to a good start so for that I am grateful. First thing I did this AM was get up and pray. Didn't even get out of bed without thanking the Lord and asking for his grace.

My mother's day was actually very nice. I picked up granny and we headed to mom's for BBQ. I made my mom cry with the letter I wrote and that warmed my heart. I love that woman even though she drives me crazy. The rest of the fam arrived and we had a blast laughing and eating. I'm glad I made the effort to get out and enjoy myself.

Emotionally I'm dealing. Trying to take a step back and focus on me; gotta let go. Some moments are easier than others!

Goals for the Week: Catch up on the financial prosperity book, 3 workouts, laundry, journal everyday and get these tax forms sent.

It's Monday. While I am quite thankful for the blessings of another day and a job to get up and go to I'm feeling kinda yucky today. I've got a lot on my mind and a few things to work through and I feel consumed by them today. I'm sad and I'm lonely too!

My weekend was pretty good! Hung out with my family a lot which I enjoyed and spent some time with my granny. That always makes me sad. I've got another looming financial issue which pisses me off but I'll figure it out somehow. I'm supposed to start my financial fast today but my book doesn't arrive until day and I need to grocery shop and prepare. This fast should be easy cause it looks like I won't have any money to spend anyway. I'm just tired. Seriously weary and bone and soul tired on some days. Today is one of those days.

I'm kinda in purge mode; putting away pictures and mementos, deleting emails, and changing passwords that are reminders. I have to get in a different place mentally. Can't keep continuing as is... Hurts too much.

I'm glad my work day is an easy one, I'm budgeting, catching up on volunteer work, meal planning and talking to God today.

THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY!! I am tired but feeling good. My Honors and Awards ceremony was a huge beautiful success and I can rest for now. Over $110,000 in scholarships and awards and $1200 in raffle prizes. I worked an 11 hour day but it was well worth it! I loved seeing our students, professors and preceptors surprised and genuinely thankful for their awards. I absolutely love the folks I work with and love event planning. I had pizza and beer with 2 of my favorite pharm sci professors and a hospital pharmacists and really enjoyed myself and I am bone tired today but thoroughly satisfied. I got a gorgeous bouquet of flowers and a $50 Best Buy card from my boss. Nothing feels quite as good as being proud of yourself and your hard!!

Superman is in Vegas with the boys this week and I miss him. I wouldn't have seem him anyway and he's all of 4 hours away but knowing he's away makes me miss him that much more. I am glad he's getting away though and I hope he parties hard. He needs a few days of being carefree and thinking of absolutely nothing of importance!! Me still loves him even though I am trying not to.

I think I'm gonna just relax tonight and tomorrow I hope to go get a tattoo on Saturday and my baby cousin is home from college for the weekend so the cousins are getting together. I'm hoping my busy weekend will keep my mind off of him. I'm also knee deep in a few volunteer projects and still working to make myself happy! I'm confident this weekend will be a happy weekend!!

My window is open and I am listening to the sound of the rain. I think I am finally learning to enjoy it a little bit, or maybe this storm isn't as as wild as the last few we've had. In any case, I am thrilled there is no thunder. As much as I look forward to the weekends as soon as they arrive I find myself bored and lonely. My baby sis who is usually hanging around during the week works closing shifts on the weekends so I generally find myself all alone. I had plans to go hiking with some friends this morning but oversleeping and rain (again) prevented that. Besides, I hate the idea of having to drive to LA to hang out all the time. I woulda woke up at the crack of down, drove an hour, hiked till I was exhausted and then drove home in the pouring rain. In retrospect, I'm glad I overslept. Even if I had made it, I woulda been home by noon and still had plenty of hours left in my day to be bored.

My apartment is far too quiet and I have too much time to think. After the constant email interaction with Superman and the office chatter with my co-workers during the week Saturday and Sunday can be a big let down. Today I rearranged my storage closet and got rid of a few more boxes that have been in my dining room. I abhor clutter so I felt some peace getting some stuff moved around. I've watched a movie or two, slept and surfed the net. I've begun a little work on my vision board and am looking forward to completing it. Tomorrow I need to hit the grocery store and get my food ready for the week. Other than that I have nothing exciting planned. I might pick up a few movies but since I am notorious for never returning them, that might not be a great idea.

I just really want one carefree day. One where I don't feel any stress, worry or sadness; where I am not overcome with way too much on my mind. Anxiety is going to be the death of me. I keep trying to get out more often but I honestly haven't had any great prospects. I have tons of associates but no one I really want to go out of my way to spend time with and yet I don't want to be home bored either.

I had a pretty awesome weekend. Nothing special but pretty damn good; really damn good.

Friday, Superman dropped by for a few hours. We laughed and chatted a bit though he was obviously quiet and a bit sad. I loved the opportunity to have him lay on me while I rubbed his head. I love and cherish not just every moment we get to spend together but even more so the opportunity to provide him with a few stress free moments. I wish that every single day I could spend a few moments rubbing the stress from him and just providing him with some calm and the ability to relax undisturbed. I can't help but imagine him coming home to me cooking dinner while he plays video games or watches TV as he unwinds from his day. No stress, no pressure just a comfy home life. But those are just my dreams...dreams I need to quit dreaming. I climbed into bed and prayed for him as always.

Saturday was a lazy day. I slept off and on all and began preparations for a charity event I am participating in on Tuesday evening. I will be speaking before a large audience at a Fashion Show & Benefit to support Haiti on behalf of the Haitian relief organization I work with. A portion of the nights proceeds will go directly to my organization and I am thrilled to be part of such a large event in Los Angeles. No matter how many times I speak in front of an audience I get nervous, but I LOVE the adrenalin rush. Since the organization is headquartered in Atlanta, I have to work hard to get organized and prepared to accept and process a number of donations here on the West Coast. Thank the Lord for 24 hour Kinko's cause I need banners, postcards, and donation forms! Our LA board member is on the ground in Haiti and so the tasks falls to me and not only do I love the work I do- I thrive on working under pressure. I am so in my element right now!

Sunday I woke up and cried through a few re-runs of Extreme Home Makeover and then went to hang with my mommy. She made me gumbo and we played on the Wii. A little later my sisters and the kidlets came by and we had a blast having Wii Family night. Mom is hinting that she wants a Wii for her birthday so I guess we'll have to come together and get her one. We had an absolute blast and I was glad I made the effort to get up and get out of the house. My mom actually wii''d a bit and thoroughly enjoyed watching us Wii. It felt really good to listen to my mom laugh till tears flowed. It was really good wholesome family fun and something we should do more often. I also played with my new EA Active again and I am excited about getting started on the 6-week challenge.

It is way past my bedtime but my mind is running as usual, I've got big plans for this week, I need to read my Purpose Driven Life chapter for today and I have to say my prayers. This week I choose to be happy, content, committed and productive!!

My weekend was pretty nice. I didn't do anything special except stay curled up with my heating pad as Aunt Flo wreaked havoc on my uterus. I watched a lot of TV, read, slept, thought and prayed. I prayed a LOT!! As always my thoughts went through a lot of topics, Superman included, but it wasn't the anxious stomach hurting thinking I usually do. It was calm and a lot more logical than my brain is accustomed to. Of course, I came to no real clear conclusions because I can only control my actions and feelings but for the time being I am fine. The hopeless romantic in me still lives!!!



I did decide that I am going to be diligent in my budgeting and try to move when my lease is up to somewhere that is more comfortable and way more safe. I'll admit that I moved here for a variety of reasons, including hoping it would be a haven for Superman. It was not first on my list of places to live but it was one of the most affordable. I'm not sure if I can afford a nicer place but I'm gonna explore all of my options and see what happens. I wish I had a good reliable friend that I could share rent with but I don't believe I know anyone. Maybe my little sis will come home from SC ready to be a responsible adult A roommate would be extremely helpful, especially since there is so much I need to save for. If it turns out that I am stuck here than I will do what I can to make this place as much of a home as I can.

I also have to figure out this school thing. My job will reimburse me for 2 courses but I have to pay for them and get passing grades, which leaves me back at square one. I am praying that God will reveal a plan to me.

I have to finish these course evaluation reports at work that I absolutely hate but I am determined to have an amazing week. I wake up without fail between 4 and 4:30 AM and I am planning to just go ahead and get up and get my day started. Maybe then I won't snooze until I am running late and I can eat breakfast and be sure my lunch is packed and I work out, even if only for 15 minutes, every morning. We'll see how it goes.

I am feeling extremely optimistic and ambitious right now about so many things!!! I am getting so much out of the Purpose Driven Life this time around. I'm gonna ride this wave as long as I can!!

Motivation to me, is them telling me what I could not be, oh well
Im so ambitious, I might hit two sisters,
Hey im on a mission, no matter what the conditions
Fuck the personal issues, when u go what I been thru,
hey, if you believe it, then you can conceive it

I am overwhelmed today and can't really figure out what I want to say. My weekend was great.

Friday after work Mom and I went to get pedicures and our eyebrows done. Whew, I looked like I had caterpillars growing on my face. Waxing was beyond overdue. I then grocery shopped and headed on home to await Superman. He arrived, we had dinner, chatted and relaxed.

Saturday was much of the same. Relaxing and talking until I went to go meet my baby nephew for the first time and take some family pictures. My nephew is by far the sweetest most good natured baby ever. And boy is he hefty which is good cause I don't trust skinny babies. Babies are supposed to be chunky with thigh rolls. I adore him already! I left Superman at home since the Cowboys were playing and made it back a few hours later to celebrate the win with him. We were supposed to go to Dave and Busters but communication got mixed up with the rest of my fam so we stayed in.

Sunday we finally got up, had breakfast and took off to see the Cirque Du Soleil show Kooza. It was nothing short of breathtaking. We enjoyed the show and had dinner before he headed back to his neck of the woods to get ready for the week. The weekend like most we spend together was great. I always enjoy his company and just feel so comfortable when he's around. We didn't talk about anything too serious and it felt really good to just be. I cried for a quick moment when he left. My apartment felt so empty. Of course I couldn't help but a feel a little bit of sadness cause things still aren't what I want them to be but I pushed that to the back of my mind.



My little brother and nephew were supposed to come spend the night but his car wouldn't start and so I spent my first night in a while all alone since my little sister is in South Carolina visiting her parents. I don't think I've ever spent more than 2 or 3 consecutive nights alone since I've lived "alone" so 30 days is gonna be a little daunting. Last night wasn't too bad though the news of the Central Cali quake had me more than a little rattled. I tossed a turned, had a lot on my mind and had a few nightmares last night but woke up and made it to work on time.

My thoughts are many this morning. Of course I miss Superman, I still struggle with our relationship though a bit less, and he had a bad evening after getting home and I hate that I can't do anything about it. In any case, my Dean just brightened my day by walking in after treating us to Cirque Du Soleil yesterday and handing me a bonus check I was not expecting. I'm just trying to be appreciative of a great weekend and not think too much today!

I had an amazing weekend. It was relaxing and basically carefree. I am home alone now, waiting for my brother, the mother of his child and my nephew to get here. I am excited to have them all to myself for the evening.

Superman is back home and I am already worrying about him a mile a minute. I think is by far one of the hardest parts of loving him, being unable to help.

Needless to say, I hope to fall asleep with a smile on my face despite my worry. I am loved!!

If I had a penny for my thoughts. I've been pretty good at redirecting my thoughts and not letting my imagination get the best of me but there are some times where I just can't control it and I have to let my mind wander where it may.

If I had to give a few words to my weekend I'd pick quiet, lonely and sad. Quiet because I was alone lke 90% of the time. Lonely goes without saying. It's hard to go back to spending time doing nothing and being all alone. I didn't even receive very many phone calls or anything. Sad because being quiet and lonely made me well...sad. Sad also because things with Superman and I were weird all weekend. Sad because it bothered me but it didn't make me as anxious as it usually would. I kinda had this feeling like if he had checked out on me there wouldn't be shit I could do about it anyway. Feeling slightly indifferent scared me. By Sunday things were kinda back to "normal" but I'm still not convinced.

When I know Superman is stressing it makes me feel helpless cause I can't help and I also feel bad because he won't ask me for help. I want to take care of him but he just won't let me. I just wish he would let go sometimes and go with the flow. I know where I stand and I don't expect anything more but I just feel like if he would let go and just LIVE, he'd find happiness. I sometimes think that he wants the very things that I want, he just won't go after them. But I can't convince him to do anything different so I'll take what I can get. I've stopped hoping that things will change and I just keep praying that His will be done. I hope that Superman will know that I am here for him and no matter what he can lean on me. I just want the Superman that I know and love back, I want to talk and laugh and not feel weird. I'll take it for what it is and not read too much into it, as long as I don't lose him.

I'm dying for some quiet cuddle time and I really miss just laying around talking. I miss that feeling of being loved and cherished and though I know it hasn't changed, not knowing when I'll experience it again makes me miss it that much more. It would be easy to find someone to give me that feeling, but honestly no one will ever come close. I can't even imagine anyone else as part of my life. I have a week off work and sadly, I know it will only serve to remind me that I'm all alone. I want to put some pictures up in my house and finish my vision board. Hopefully, I'll do more than sit around sad. I know God has a plan though and I'm just going to be patient.